I learned today that Diabetes is way more complicated than it first seemed. It’s not just “eat no sugar, eat no grain”. It’s multiple layers of difficult choices; it’s incessant label-reading, and fact-checking, and net-verifying. It requires sage, patient examination.

So, I will continue to learn what that means, but for now, I am trying to stick to what I know is right. A small amount of protein, a large amount of vegetable, and some very coarse grain, like a wheaty english muffin or some oats.

But how the hell do you eat a barley? Or a rye? I am pretty sure i cannot go get a loaf of rye bread and gnosh down. I have got to figure that out. Hopefully the classes I am taking will better explain glycemic indices and what not.

Got a bunch of chicken, lean pork cutlets, shrimp, a few lbs of whole tilapia (with heads!), and some decent frozen veg at Sams Club today. Also threw in some weiners, in case I get the screaming hungries, I can at least fend off the need with a brace of protein. I know, fucking hotdogs? Maybe that was a bad choice.

As you can see, I broke out most of the meat into large dinner bags, so I can cook for us without cooking 36 lbs of meat. Now all we need to buy during the week is light salad fixings when needed. Plenty of leafy green, if you know what I mean. When I find a good local fish market (there is supposed to be one north of us up in Sanford) I will be in heaven. If you know any Smelt recipes, let me know.

I also nabbed a crock pot cookbook for diabetes. I am leery of it already, because it seems to allow straight up flour, but it is endorsed by the American Diabetes Association. Are they, like, Susan G. Komen? An alleged scam? Or am I just misunderstanding diabetes, yet again? I really dislike contradictory information.

Crabocalypse was amazing, and my blood sugar was a 167 AFTER dinner this evening. Very happy to see I am finding balance with this thing. I used to pee 20-30 times a day, and now it’s more like 4-5. I used to drink constantly, and I’ve had a glass of unsweetened tea sitting here for an hour that I had one sip off of thus far.

Love it!

In this episode of SomaCow, we discuss snake people, shakes of people’s hands, and steaks of non-people meat.

There aren’t a lot of notes in this episode, Ross busted his butt to drive straight through from his vacation to get back here in time for the show and the coffee hadn’t hit yet, but it was great to have Mickey back and the guys had a great start to their three-hour-tour which you can join live every Friday!

One thing they did talk about was our Run for the Cure. We have a date confirmed and a place so close to confirmed, I can almost tell you, but it is happening! Thank you to those who have already donated through pay pal (somacow@gmail.com),  you will be awarded points as will anyone else who donates!

You don’t have to donate money. Believe me, we realize what times are like, but I sure can use your help getting this together! You can contact me through moo@somacow.com and just let me know that you want to help and how you might. If you are local to Central Florida you can help me with local promotion or day of the event things. If you are not in this area you can help me promote this globally! I thank you in advance for any help you can give.

If you haven’t yet, join our forum! We talk about the show, have events, and talk about anything under the sun! And when you join, say hello, tell us about yourself!

In this hour, we discussed shopping with another man, Technicolor, and some guy who lives in Orlando and wears a panda suit. I don’t know, just go with it. Can’t be any worse than our standard third hour fare, right?

I was shocked to learn that Mickey thinks I over-order at the butcher. Maybe I do, but that is only because I shop when I am hungry. Here, for your pleasure, are my High Dollar Food Grocery Chain seeking tips, courtesy of the ‘Cow:

1. Never Shop Hungry. As soon as you arrive at your local high end grocery store, head straight for the olive bar. You can theoretically eat 48 of these in a few seconds, and the layer of olives, oil, and salt in your stomach will help you to make smarter choices in your cuts. Ignore the stares of other patrons and employees… Their coats are not shiny.

2. Buy in Bulk. If London Broil, or Delmonicoes, or even a good beef stew meat is on sale, it doesn’t matter how many people are being served, how much meat you can safely ingest in a months time, or even the contents of your meager checking account. BUY IT ALL. I have NEVER looked across the table and thought, “gee, I purchased reasonably! I am thrilled to not have leftovers!” You can never have too much meat. If you ever find yourself in such a ridiculous predicament, come see me.

3. Stick to the Meats and Vegetables. It’s a known fact that all higher end grocers line their counters with great priced local produce and fresh, tasty food. So why is everyone in this store so fat? It’s the Pastry, stupid. Covered in butter, swollen with sugary goodness, these evil entrepreneurs have left eclairs and napoleans aplenty lurking behind each and every corner. You have to be strong, and slap aside such sweettraps. Eye on the prize, never look back just keep…. Oh… It’s got key lime filling? Okay, just… Just give me 18 of them. Thanks! Oh! Hey, is that sea salt and habenero popcorn over there? That goes good with Kona, right?

4. Carry a Basket. This is the only real tip on the list. You should not be eating more than you can carry (unless it is cheap beef, see tip #2). If you get a cart, you can load and load and load, and the next thing you know, you have a $456.82 bill and you are wondering just how the hell does one cook butternut squash, anyway? Avoid this scenario, and just get the li’l basket. Ignore the fact that your friend keeps insulting your sexuality and asking if you are going to see your grandmother. 1 in 5 adults have Herpes, and he is looking 20, if you know what I mean.

5. Get Your Wife to Do It. I cannot stress this enough: The easiest way to get a chore done quickly and with a minimum of effort is to have someone else do it. Life is so much easier when you have other people buy your food, cook your meals, tie your shoes, write your blogs. If you do it, and it sucks, or does not go well, or in any way fails, you have to scramble for someone to blame. Only by sitting back, and forcing others to do your bidding can you truly find fault, and yet not exert effort.

Best of luck, Shoppers!

In brief, I’ll attempt to explain. We at SomaCow worry about people that play the World of Warcraft. Hundreds upon thousands of hours are dumped each year into a glorified, shiny, and incredibly neat sounding game of “fetch”. Proponents of WoW can argue until they are Night-Elf-faced in the face, but that really IS all that their pastime is based on. Go here, collect this, bring it there. It’s pizza delivery-level interaction, and we demand more.

More high-resolution, lifelike graphics? More ethereal, soul stirring music? Not so much.

Kingdom of Loathing takes everything that is good about the mmorpg universe, and churns out a dizzying level of depth, humor, and high adventure, all for the low monthly price of free. Seriously. Free. You pay nothing. I mean, sure, if you donate ten bucks, you get a Mr. Accessory, but that’s really just a neat side benefit, and not anything integral to the plot and advancement of the game.

You log in once a day, or every other day, or whatever. When you do, your turns will be waiting for you. You spend turns doing stuff, be it fetch, or cooking, or exploring, or fighting other players, and you can extend the base turn limit each day by eating and swilling sweet, sweet booze. Seriously, this game has more cocktails than a Mexican’s backyard. What? They chickenfight, take it up with them!

By the time you are addicted, your turns are spent, and there is very little left for you to do than go shower, and cook for your family, and read, and get some sun, and hold down a job, and all those other awesome things that you neglected wasting so much time playing WoW. Kingdom of Loathing goes deeper, holds tighter, and takes WAY less of your precious time and resources in return. It’s better than sex! Well, no. But it’s better than flossing, hands down!

We’re all on there, hanging out in clan SomaCow, which you are welcome to join. Sign up, have some fun, and meet new people… It’s what the internet should always be about.

A little backstory, here – In Kingdom of Loathing, the currency is known as “meat“. While I was typing this, user kmueller93, a complete stranger, noticed I was low on meat. So, she sent me meat. A crap ton. Like, significant digits of meats.

I am now rich with meat, and will be touring the mall looking for some better pants to wear. Life is good!

We sat around pantless til now to the great music of:

The Slackers

Okay. Shocker episode this time around, because we talked about food, and drinking, and rude. We were champing at the bit to get down to Texas de Brazil, and so we raced around. In a valiant effort to get the goddamned subject off of eating for once, we discussed the finer points of shaving. I seriously need to, and ingrown hairs are just plain nasty. What a horrific flaw in the design of man that is, and proof positive that shaving is an unnatural and weird act.

I find it humorous that people consider shaving to be a sign of culture and etiquette, considering the irrational ideas behind such behavior. You pluck hair from a horse, and make lather from alkaline death, and sharpen steel and place it by your jugular… How barbaric.

Look… I will shave. I really will. I just have to spread out the time between shaves, with the average being about two to three months. We discuss in this episode what happens if you do more.

We also talked about drunken behavior, and cell phone behavior, and why it is incredibly difficult to not walk over to the counter at seven eleven and pick up the happy yellow coffeepot and smash it over the guy next to you in line’s head repeatedly, until he collapses into a heap of bloodied skin, broken bone, and smashed bluetooth. I’m not violent, but I am willing to learn, you know?

Weekly Constitutional focused on Henry Rollins’ The First Five, a collection of his earlier narratives and verse from the 80s. Gripping stuff, and I highly recommend it if you are intelligent and somewhat mad. Then again, you listen to this show, so you are obviously intelligent, and quite mad. Buy the book, support the show, free your mind, eat at Joe’s, and all that razzamatazz.

This hour also features the oddest, and most frightening thing I have ever been asked by a listener. I don’t even want to go into it. It’s just… odd. I want to believe the person asking was a woman, and joking, but I am pretty sure that neither was the case. Just go listen. The Horror.

You know what would be good to listen to on a Free iTouch, courtesy of SomaCow? The following great artists, THAT’s what. Chicken Butt.

• Straight Outta Junior High – Meatheads, Douchebags, and Me
• Dirty Wormz – Top of the Food Chain

Oh, and apologies to Mickey for the Dane Cook reference. I just can’t control myself. My. SELF.

SomaCow had a run-in with the fine folks at Texas de Brazil tonight. Sometimes you eats the beefs:

And sometimes, the beefs eat you.

We are all going to die of full.

/from intern who didn’t get to go to dinner/

So the guys talked about truckers. I do not understand why Geoff, Mickey, and J have such a respect for truckers. There truckers.

Then they talked about the Adirondack dog sled race. I don’t see what the issue is here. I mean, there just stupid dogs.

And they talked about beef. (It is singular. If you are going to be on the radio you should at lest learn good English.) They went out to eat and left me at the studio to write the blog. Real fun, considering I can’t read anything Jen wrote. You figured they would train me to take over when Jen has her baby, but aparently they went to dinner with a guy that is supposed to take over for her when she has her baby after she has her baby.

How unfair is that?

Seriously. I have worked my ass off.

Oh, and another thing. Bagging on teh French, how clishay. George W. Bush jokes are real cutting edge.

I will agree with Geoff, Mickey, and J, Penelope Cruise and Selma Heyick are hot.

/end intern who didn’t get to go to dinner/

Please, if you can read this, play the following great songs during our mass funeral:

• Me First and the Gimme Gimmes – Eastbound and Down
• Emery – The Movie Song
• Naome Bradshaw – Walking Wounded

This is Naome Bradshaw:

In this hour, we talk about a subject unheard of here on SomaCow – Meat! Specifically, the eating of copious quantities of beefs, at a very mafia-swank establishment tucked away off Howard and Armenia in Tampa, Fl. I highly recommend it for anyone looking for a very upscale steakhouse experience. Strangely, even with the 75 dollar plates, the ever present guy wearing flipflops and a hat was still present at this joint. Dress code violators notwithstanding, I highly recommend Bern’s for the eating of beefs. It even made me fall in love with my Mother-in-Law.

Hey! We are giving away a free iTouch media player here on SomaCow Media! It’s a nigh on $300.00 piece of technology neatiness, and you can win it simply by answering some questions. Little listening, and you are in the running. What could be simpler? Besides a woman?

We also discussed the service industry in general, and some experiences we have had recently, and we delved into the top ten things restaurants would really rather you did not notice. Maybe it would be better to just eat in tonight, yeah? It’s some good eatvice, which is just the sort of thing you can rely on SomaCow to provide you, our value-added listeners.

Don’t forget to come down and join us this Sunday, March 2nd, as we invade Texas de Brazil to hang out and consume a ridiculous amount of well seared animal. The menu from this place blows my mind, and I am really hoping it lives up to the hype. International Drive, Sunday night – see you there!

We comped the following great songs on your check for the evening:

• Straight Outta Junior High – The University of Shit Face
• The Dollyrots – Out of LA