SomaCow

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Casey’s of Downtown Orlando – Join Mickey, J, Elross, and thousands of potential partiers as they celebrate the aging of listeners, the completion of 300 episodes, the taste of popcorn, the sweetness of booze, and the gnarled temper of Jeff Howell’s beer soaked guitar. It’ll be huge, I know it, and I may drive by and throw out a free iPhone or something.

In this hour, we discussed fanatics, cartoons in general, and Mail Order scammery from yesteryear.

I spent a good portion of this hour railing against Matt and Trey of South Park for their confusion of humor with sub-humanity. We all celebrate schadenfrueden, silliness, celebrity spoofery, and a good kick to the nuts, but I had a really hard time getting past an episode they did last year featuring Cartman and Butters engaging in oral sexual abuse. Simply put, I don’t think joking about sex abuse is hysterically funny, and I, for the first time in my life, was genuinely offended by something I watched. Not enough to write a letter to the President, just mad enough to bitch about it on an internet radio show, and then later, in a blog describing that show.

So Wednesday I turned on the TV, figuring Mickey was right (he rarely isn’t), and I should see what the guys at South Park are up to.

5th grade girls giving blow jobs in TGIF’s parking lot. 5th grade (and younger) girls demanding they be allowed to perform oral sex on the Judas Brothers.

Yeah. Funny.
Oh, Geoff! They were making a point about Disney’s sexualization of American youth!

Yeah. Valiant.

Oh, Geoff! They were satirizing to bring attention to the plaque of underage sex.

Yeah. Promethian.

Face it. Trey and Matt are dicks. Anyone greenlighting that show is a dick. You, if you watched it, thought it was fine, and are staring at these words thinking, “Prissy fat chump whiner”, are an excellent judge of my character, but you also like dicks.

The 70 foot fire breathing Mickey Mouse wasn’t even able to save this show. South Park = Over. Life’s too short to bring that shit into your house.

If you get a chance, check out the live show this week! We’ll be celebrating our 300th episode, and most probably talking about food. I don’t know why, it just happens.

Thanks for your time!

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SomaCow Media, Inc. in proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Text-Link Ads… If you have a blog worth a damn, you should be using them.

Ah, Florida – In this hour, we discuss what is wrong with our home state skillet, and why the rest of you people no longer want to grace her shelly beaches with your overwhite fat flesh. It looks like the streams of “New Family” arrivals into our fair state have dwindled to lows not seen since the great Sadness of ‘77 (see also, Dumb Gov., Gas Shortages, and Stupid Hair). Whereas we had once been content to sit back and wait for the multitudes to settle down in our suburbs, lapping up the over-chlorinated groundwater, settling into their stucco empires and demanding the immediate erection of god knows how many Wal-Marts, Walgreens, and Walled Communities, it is now apparent that we can no longer count on John and Jane Q. Pennsylvania to swell our ranks.

So, what is a suddenly single stategal like Florida to do to make ends meet? We used to simply pay tribute to The Mouse, as The Mouse would attract dollars to its various theme parks and overpriced resorts, allowing us the occasional mealy morsel in the form of a Bed Tax. With a tanking economy, the idea of waiting for millions of vacationers to show up with a fistful of financial stability doesn’t seem to be in the cards.

Some people scream, “Let’s get some GAMBLIN’ already!” – I ask those people to look at New Jersey, or those god-awful southern states along The Hurricane Brim. Poor bastards live hand to mouth, and most people with sense can see that gambling makes Casinos and Land Developers rich, not citizens. Plus, they attract crime, and as we are rapidly advancing on the Murder Capital of the Country prize here in Orlando, I doubt we can afford to plug in a giant neon bandit brigade right now.

And so, we at SomaCow have a simple solution – Boobs.

I know, we ALWAYS say boobs, but, seriously, boobs.

Open the finest strip clubs in the country. Kick out the sleaze, the ne’erdowells, the coke dealers and the just plain creepies. Build strip clubs on every corner, and stock them with clean kids with business degrees and fresh immigrant poon. STATE OPERATED STRIP CLUBS is what I am driving at. Every girl that does enough sit-ups to be able to hold her own weight up sideways on a brass pole gets a tax break. We have the sun for tanning, it’s certainly hot enough to make most girls want to get undressed, all we need is the legislation to allow a friendly neighborhood boobecue on every corner. Get rid of the stupid purple buildings, and the creepy smoked glass, and the lame ass gold chained fur chested fauxmafia types, and make a strip club into the kind of place a man would proudly bring his kids to live beside. I gotta get some more facts here, so consider this one in the works. Mickey announced his intention to open the first prototype!

We’re still recovering as a city from Nipple-Shock. It seems that the WWE had to modify their promotional materials here in Orlando so that MALE wrestlers nips were not showing. When I first heard about it from Xander on The Lunar Room, I realized that I do not currently have a large enough font to display my wtf-acity.

Speaking of wtf-acity…

I mean, why would anyone want this taken down? It’s the truth, right? Or is it? Should you raise your children with religion? religions? If you do will they turn out like J and sue the church?

Mickey actually quotes Bill Clinton in his Life Coaching this week at the :40 so check it out!

J doesn’t get aroused in strip clubs. I am just saying.

We’re never taking down the following great bands:

• Richard Cheese – Girls, Girls, Girls
• The Vandals – Fucked Up Girl
• They Might Be Giants – The Mesopotamians

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