SomaCow

 

 SomaCow 539: Lemonade For Nine [1:12:07m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Originally contracted at http://somacow.com

Oil Spill “Cleanup”
Bieber Hair
Miley Cyrus
Mickey’s Cheating Contract
Boob Jobs
Google Info Theft
A Prayer for Horsegirl’s Sister
Sweet, Sweet Lemonade. $9/Gallon
Kim Jong Il, Animal Lover
Pig Shit Highway
SNL

 

 SomaCow 437: In The Christmas Spirits [59:55m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Originally emptied at SomaCow.com

Garth Brooks

Miley Cyrus

God vs Satan

Run to Cuba

Scarfacebook

Geoff in Jail

Nerf Wife

“Too Drunk to Take Notes at this point….I reckon”

Editor’s note: yes, we all got in the Christmas spirit(s) during our live Friday (Christmas day) show. So while you listen, just remember this was the 3rd hour of drinks and celebration abounding. Happy Holidays!

WTF?!

I repeat:

WTF?! (This will become a recurring theme in this post)

I got mail this week from freakin’ AARP (formerly the American Association of Retired Persons).

WTF?!

AARP is for old people. People like Senator John McCain and my Mom. And Ted Danson. It says, right in their mission statement, that AARP is “delivering value to people age 50 and over through information, advocacy and service.”

WTF?! I’m nowhere NEAR 50!

I’m in my thirties. Ok, I’m in my extreeeemely late thirties, like, thirty-twelve, or something. Still, they have totally jumped the gun on this. I don’t need to know about retirement communities in my area. I have no need for colonoscopy coupons. I couldn’t care less which restaurants serve dinner at 3pm. I have no idea what a “truss” is.

WTF?!

I can clearly demonstrate that I am still too young and cool to be contacted by AARP, for the following reasons:

• I am down with the hippity-hop music.
• On the dance floor, I can still bust out a mean “Cabbage Patch”.
• I know who Milly Cyrus is.

Although, to be fair, I can also think of some reasons why I might SEEM old enough for AARP membership:

• I have received four traffic tickets for driving 10mph, or more, below the posted speed minimum.
• I used to be able to drink a 12-pack of beer before having to pee. Then, a few years later, I could only make it through a 6-pack before “breaking the seal”. Nowadays, it seems like I have to go after each mouthful, and I have, on two occasions, actually consumed beer while standing at the urinal.
• I also have to stand closer and closer to the urinal each year. Shut up.

So, a big SomaCow EFF YEW! to AARP, and to anyone else who thinks I’m old.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to slip into some support hose and enjoy an evening with a good, vintage bottle of Phillips Milk of Magnesia.

WTF?!