Taken directly from Ross’s notepad… The Show Notes:

Whale Killer
Call from Jen Cook (twitter.com/cfnews13)
Funny Hats on Animals
Sponsor a Donkey Trip
RIF, yo
Shoulda Been a Teacher
Winter Olympics
Bob Costas Sux
Tradenarked- Olympic Snowball Fight
Free Bird
Worst City Ever? Detroit, Obviously.

From Ross’s Show Notes:

Olympics
Geoff’s New Exercise Show
PVC Exercise
Vancouver
Spring and Fall Olympics- Tradenarked!
Who Buys PlayGirl?
Olympic Mascots Suck
No. More. Googly Eyes.
Hemispheres and How They Affect Weather
Fat Man Olympics
Toasted?
Geoff Has a Starbucks Hissy-Fit
Upscale Coffee vs Gas Station Coffee
Mickey Has a Favorite Convenience Store
Rules of Poop Club
Review Us on iTunes, yo.

Hi everyone! It’s me, Jen. I’m filling in for Geoff while he nurses the baby, er, I mean, sleeps…

Do you miss me? You know, you can always come chat with me while I listen to SomaCow on Ustream, and also of course for Say… Anything. I know I miss my notetaking! I am going to do my best to let you know about this hour using Ross’s cryptic notes.

From the first three lines I can surmise that John Edwards had sex, Bernie Mac died, and the boys have a death wish on another comedian??

Then it says Budweiser is greater than divided by 3. Now I love math, but this formula has had me scratching my head so much the dogs are bringing me the Advantage! This led into “beer talk”. I do remember this from the live show…Kostritzer is teh yummy…

The next line says either WW IIII or WW VII but I think those are both wrong? No clue.

But opposite of war is peace, like the Olympics! The opener was supposed to be grand, and the guys want Bob Costas to get ‘STUF’fed? Do they think he’s too skinny?

Mickey peed in the Navy. OK, I really don’t understand how this is noteworthy! Unless he literally peed IN the Navy…but what does that even mean?

And the last note on the page is that Mickey was stranded at Burger King without paper. I guess Mickey likes taking notes, too?

Well, I know that reading these notes and trying to give them back to you, dear Heard, does not do the hour justice because when listening live from 1-2 PM Eastern last Saturday, it flew by and was quite entertaining. So take a listen, and maybe you can help me decipher these notes. We’ll call it a SomaCow mystery.

What wasn’t a mystery was the music this week!

• They Might Be Giants – Istanbul, not Constantinople

In this, our finest hour, we discussed Saving Gasoline in your life, The Girlfight on You Tube, and The Tibet vs. China Olympic Issue.

First off – In an effort to help you, our loyal listeners, make it through the coming summer months with your sanity and bank accounts intact, I will simply expound upon what we discussed with a few tips on how to save gasoline in your day to day driving.

1. Cut the AC.

Screw whatever you have read about “wind drag” – the majority of you are driving at speeds under 45 miles per hour, sitting in traffic, and have probably pegged your setting at Max A/C Full. It’s summer. You can enjoy a little wind, and tan that sickly pale arm of yours a little bit. Enjoy some fumes, and the sound of the vehicle next to you’s pounding salsa rhythms!

2. Get Off the Leadfoot, and Get On the Good Foot!

There is no need to jackrabbit race out of every green light, stop sign, and left turn you make. A slow, gradual crushing of the gas pedal, spanning a period of ten seconds, will accelerate you nearly as fast, and not cause you the initial waste of injected but unused fuel.

3. Tell Her to Stop Eating Cheeseburgers

In addition to the obvious added weight load to the vehicle a “tubby” woman can provide, there is a frequently unconsidered cost, the extra travel time brought about as you take back roads, byways, and dirt paths in an effort to make sure none of your friends see you “transporting bison”. Take the past of least resistance by stocking the girls of least gravity in your vehicle, whenever possible!

4. Draft EVERYTHING

Everyone that has seen Days of Thunder knows that you can add 700 hp and conserve approximately 15 gallons per minute of fuel by riding the rear end of the vehicle in front of you. The modern civilized man has adopted this somewhat risky but always cool maneuver to the highway, slotting in a hair’s breadth behind tractor trailers and cement mixers and enjoying the lessened wind resistance, but a little known fact is that ALL vehicles can lessen that same wind power. Don’t be afraid to stay on the back tire of motorcyclists, bicyclists, pedestrians, folks in wheelchairs, and trotting horses. If these conveyances are moving too slow for your purposes, a gentle nudge to the offending tire, sneaker, or hoof will alert the front driver to your special needs, and help them giddy up. Hey, rubbing is racing.

5. Pee in a Bottle

Longtime secret of the modern trucker, a container (with lid, if possible) and some artistic seat sitting are all that is required to cut down on needless trips to nasty gas station bathrooms. Every time you slow down to exit for a bathroom break, you are sacrificing precious time and gas negotiating various cloverleaf ramps, parking lots, and additional left turns. By simply zipping, dipping, and dripping, you can get down the road in record time! I once traveled from Orlando to Alabama on an 18 oz Gatorade wide mouth bottle! Make sure you dispose of the receptacle appropriately, in conjunction with tip #4, by utilizing it a “lobbed encouragement” to people you might be drafting!

I hope this list helps you, and feel free to comment with your own Excellent and Thrifty Gas Saving Techniques!

We also discussed the famous Girlfight swirling across news desks and web browsers aplenty. Take a moment to review the footage, and see if it makes you laugh, burn with anger, cry, or yawn. Your reaction can be analyzed as follows:

Laughter – You are a sicko, and you are probably German. The word schadenfrued was invented specifically to describe you.

Anger or Vengeance – You know what it means to be downtrodden, and you seek justice in this world. You are Charles Bronson, and you have a death wish.

Crying or Sadness – You are a Jewel fan. People often give you things with bunnies and geese on them. You have cat(s).

Yawning or Boredom – You are Mickey. See you next week.

We wrapped up this hour with an Olympics request: Shut up about the torch and Tibet, already. Social justice is meted out by actions and the people, not by some asshole 6700 miles away grabbing a torch. The monks are now being arrested for organizing attacks against Chinese officials. This is strange, because, if you are an American who believes in Freedom, you could say they are “fighting for their independence”. If you are an American who believes in Freedom, you also could say that they are becoming a “terrorist faction”. I love a well blurred line, don’t you? No one should live under the yoke of another, and yet we ALL toil under a collective yoke, it would seem. What is the answer to the Chinese Puzzle Box? Should Tibet be free, and if so, should we extract ourselves from Cuba, Iraq, and all the other nations we have injected ourselves into in an effort to protect our interests? Sound off if you have a pair.

And this hour we featured a new artist from The Hopper:

Deaf Pedestrians – Hail to the Geek

In this episode, we tread through dangerous waters, so much so in fact that we got a letter from our lawyers and I think that will say it all! I’ve cut out all the scary lawyer names up top and included the body for you to enjoy:

Mr. Cow

As your representative, I must comment on your 2nd hour from your most recent live show last Sunday, and warn you of some potential legal issues you are treading upon.

First, “robo-crips” and “rollin’ on stubs”? These are not terms that will endear your show to Americans with Disabilities, nor are they defensible should a lawsuit originate from their continued use.

Secondly, self diagnosis. Should you wish to destroy your own kidneys, or more so, damage your health by continuing a regiment of ignoring doctors’ advice and eschewing wellness exams, so be it; please do not share your so-called medical wisdom on the air. Were the general public to adhere to your so-called advice, the results would be a pandemic of overweight, lisping tubbies with ED and halitosis. But Mickey does need that butt-exam. We don’t want his colon being resected…although that would make good radio…

Thirdly, cloning. Could you have picked a stickier topic? And then you talk about eating clones? Gross!

Please think about your topics and your audience. We don’t need all these fabulous new members of The Heard to go off and sue us or die or vomit all over their computer and ruin it.

Sincerely,

Mybiscuits Syrupon, P.A.

Dewey, Screwthemoverincourtandthenrapetheirdogsinfrontoftheirkids, and Howe,

Attorneys of Sorts.

We also talked about Organ Donating. I totally donated my organ to Jen the other night.We also swapped livers with the following bands:

• 16_Volt – You Run
• Swingin’ Utters – Five Lessons Learned
• In Stereo – Waking Up