SomaCow

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Randolph’s Blog – Anybody that takes the time to say such nice (J: “And true!) things about our show gets a link. Thanks, Randolph.

In this hour, I whine a bunch about my mom, and my parenting, and Mickey and TCTHID went on a 200 mile drive. It was AWESOME!

Note: If this episode plays strangely in your mp3 listening device, simply squirt some breast milk into the unit and it should clear it right up.

Baby needs the computer… I’ll be back.

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Tags: breast milk, Counties, family, Home, Mothers, parenting, Randolph, United States

Well, we’re all excited that the SomaCalf has finally arrived!! You can tell I’m excited about her because I keep using TWO exclamation points, and because I typed “two” in all caps!!

Being well-versed in the ways of child-rearing (which is the creepiest parenting term ever invented) as a result of raising the twenty-eight kids in my house (including the eight Vietnamese kids), it is only natural that Geoff would come to me for advice for the new Dad. What is not natural, is that he now calls me every three hours, including 1, 4, and 7 am. I don’t mind the 1am and 7am so much, because I’m up at those hours anyway, watching “Matlock”.

Don’t get me wrong. Geoff will make a fine father. It just takes a little bit of breaking in, at first.

One of the most

*brrrrring*

Oh, hang on. Geoff is calling me right now.

Me: Yello?
Geoff: Hey, J.
Me: What’s up, d00d?
Geoff: Oh, nothing. I’m just wondering…I’ve tried several different farming implements, and she can’t seem to operate any of them.
Me: Maybe a rattle or stuffed toy would be more appropriate for, say, the first six months?
Geoff: Ok, thanks. *click*

You’ve got to give him credit. He tries so hard.

But I was going to say that one of the most important things about

*brrrrring*

Hang on…

Me: Yo.
Geoff: Hey, J.
Me: What’s going on?
Geoff: Chunky peanut butter, or smooth?
Me: No peanut butter, Geoff. No peanut butter at all.
Geoff: Ok, thanks. *click*

Ha! He’ll get the hang of it, don’t worry.

And along the way, he will learn that one of the most important things about being a father is to always

*brrrrring*

BRB…

Me: What up?
Geoff: Hey, J.
Me: Whatcha got, man?
Geoff: Well, is there any situation in which sparks should be shooting out of the baby’s rect*click*

I gotta go.

Tags: baby, boobs, dad, fatherhood, parenting, peanut butter, SomaCalf, sparks, teen, Vietnamese

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, strangely not brought to you in this hour by IKEA. It’s a known fact that skynet is a pansy, when compared to the SKU tracking system that must be in place at IKEA.

Okay, this whole episode hinges on how freaking big that store is. It’s big. It’s just retarded big (we’ll get into that next time.) When God said, “Let There Be Light” he had to ask IKEA to move. The Vehicle Assembly Building at NASA Headquarters suffers from structural envy when it gazes across at the IKEA store. Bags of Holding do not actually port to another dimension… They port to the cafeteria at IKEA. When Omega Supreme picked up Megatron and slammed him into the moon, he actually slammed him into an IKEA. The Borg actually drove around in a giant gray IKEA. Fun Fact: No one has ever seen an entire side of IKEA in one glance.

So, yeah. It’s a store. I went there. I talked about it. You should go see it, once. Bring food, not just for yourself, but for the thousands of dispirited vagabonds you will be tripping over that were not smart enough to bring their own provisions.

We also discussed the assembly of my daughter’s crib.

I am sure every little girl wants blood red walls, yellow shag carpeting, and a banker’s lamp! Seriously… I need parenting help. Mickey and J are no help, because they hate me. What do you do with a girl? Does she fish? Color? Should I just get her a Wii now?

Normally, I would spend some time here making light of our dear J, as he again committed social suicide this week by catering an imaginary wedding with fake meats for unmet clients in neverwhere. The dude does not have Peter Pan syndrome… He has Lo Pan syndrome. His soul swims in it. And by it, I mean pasty not-go-outsidedness. Seriously, folks. Friends do not let friends get so involved in an mmorpg that they are selecting imaginary wines to pair with the imaginary third course.

Imagine how sad it would be if he hadn’t gotten paid… I mean, he did get paid… Right? What?
I hate him so.

You know who I do NOT hate? These great bands!

• Sullivan – Goodbye, Miss Havisham
• The Flesh – In Paradise

• And a very special appearance by Jonathan Coulton with his song… Ikea . (You can buy the song for a buck)

And Mickey! Make sure you check out the fastest growing segment in internet introspection, it’s life coaching with Mickey at the :40!

Tags: advice, bags of holding, borg, comedy, crib, flesh, god, ikea, internet, Jonathan Coulton, let there be light, lo pan, meatballs, megatron, mmorpg, nasa, omega, orlando, parenting, peter pan, Podcast, radio, shag carpet, sku, somacow, sullivan, supreme, swedish, talk, vab, wii, world of warcraft, wow