SomaCow

Well, we’re all excited that the SomaCalf has finally arrived!! You can tell I’m excited about her because I keep using TWO exclamation points, and because I typed “two” in all caps!!

Being well-versed in the ways of child-rearing (which is the creepiest parenting term ever invented) as a result of raising the twenty-eight kids in my house (including the eight Vietnamese kids), it is only natural that Geoff would come to me for advice for the new Dad. What is not natural, is that he now calls me every three hours, including 1, 4, and 7 am. I don’t mind the 1am and 7am so much, because I’m up at those hours anyway, watching “Matlock”.

Don’t get me wrong. Geoff will make a fine father. It just takes a little bit of breaking in, at first.

One of the most

*brrrrring*

Oh, hang on. Geoff is calling me right now.

Me: Yello?
Geoff: Hey, J.
Me: What’s up, d00d?
Geoff: Oh, nothing. I’m just wondering…I’ve tried several different farming implements, and she can’t seem to operate any of them.
Me: Maybe a rattle or stuffed toy would be more appropriate for, say, the first six months?
Geoff: Ok, thanks. *click*

You’ve got to give him credit. He tries so hard.

But I was going to say that one of the most important things about

*brrrrring*

Hang on…

Me: Yo.
Geoff: Hey, J.
Me: What’s going on?
Geoff: Chunky peanut butter, or smooth?
Me: No peanut butter, Geoff. No peanut butter at all.
Geoff: Ok, thanks. *click*

Ha! He’ll get the hang of it, don’t worry.

And along the way, he will learn that one of the most important things about being a father is to always

*brrrrring*

BRB…

Me: What up?
Geoff: Hey, J.
Me: Whatcha got, man?
Geoff: Well, is there any situation in which sparks should be shooting out of the baby’s rect*click*

I gotta go.

 

 SomaCow 179: Cheap Gas Here, Now [1:02:50m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by The Big Oil Companies who have agreed to bring the price of gas back down to a dollar a gallon by March of 2009.

WARNING… what you are about to read is speculation and rumor.

In the coming year, WaWa will spread across the country and battle 7-11 for dominance in feeding the late night people. They will start in Florida. On 434, right where there is an empty Mobile Station so I can fill up on my way to work without having to go out of my way. Passing under I-4, making a left turn across 30 lanes of traffic just to get tot he only gas station in 30 miles. Sheesh.

In the coming year, the RIAA will disband. Dr Dre will be fined for being a pirate. Lars will go to jail for stealing a Nutter Butter. And Lou Pearlman will take it in the button hole.

Blackberry will sign on as a sponsor for SomaCow and provide me with a never ending upgrade of their awesome product. Kawasaki will do the same and upgrade me to a 1400. Dickies will also sign up as a sponsor and start a new clothing line called Mickey’s Dickies. It will be AWESOME.

Corona will unleash the Corona Extra J and well as the Joey Corona. The Joey Corona will be kind of like an Aussie-Mex mix. Joey, Australian for cerveza.

Ah, rumors, how do rumors get started. Started by the jealous people. They get mad about something they had and now somebody else is holding.

But seriously, tell everyone that gas will be back to one dollar a gallon by March 2009. Imagine, paying one dollar a gallon, again! HooRay for Gas companies… and beer companies… and work clothing makers… and motorcycle makers… and Blackberry makers.