Posts Tagged “phone”Originally broke off at SomaCow.com In this hour, we extend our welcome to Ryan of The Channel Project for a round table discussion on topics as diverse as gated communities, what not to do on a first date, and holding the door.
Some of you people apparently never took etiquette as an elective in finishing school, or maybe manners just don’t matter no more, but to help you, I have compiled a list of 5 things that still get you served the douche platter, regardless of what you think. 5. Answering the phone like you are Kreskin. I don’t care that it is 2009 (2009), when I call you, I expect to hear, “hello”. You do not know that my phone is actually IN my hand, with me on the other line. It could be my wife, or the thief that just stole my car, or the kidnapper offering demands for my safe return. You certainly are going to botch all that up by saying, “Hey, did I leave my watch in your ass last night?” The order of operations is as follows: “Hello” “Hi, it’s Slartbeast” “Hey there, Slart, you old duvet-pounder! Howsaboy!” 4. Talking in the bathroom. Regardless of if you are on a cell phone, or just feel chatty with me, I need you to hush. I have a tiny penis, and I hate the smell of bathrooms. The more you talk, the tinier it gets and the more I get angry. A fart, a cough, a snort, the soft sound of you sobbing from the stall, those are all music to my ears. I really do not need articulation at this time. 3. Not listening to the five minute voice mail I just left you. Look. YOU decided to not answer, let it go to voice mail, leave your phone in your other pants wedged behind the pig piano on the fourth floor of your three story house, whatever. I was hurt. Crestfallen. But I mustered the courage to leave you an excellent, well-crafted message on your phone. I spent a decent amount of effort imparting to you what time we are meeting, when the movie starts, what movie we are seeing, the fact that we already got you a ticket, what color cinnabun I will be wearing, etc. etc. etc. The last thing I need is to see you calling me 2 minutes later saying “Hey, wanna see a movie?” 2. Flush. Seriously. Flush the fucking thing. Yes, it’s amazing. No, no one has before this day crafted a turd quite like that one, or had urine quite that shade of goldenrod. Still. Flush it. Photograph it if you must, hell; you can fish it out and make a turducken-for-two plaster mold of the damned thing, I don’t care. Just don’t let me hit that room with :06 seconds to spare and see some sad, crusted trooper leftover from your personal water loo. 1. Hode de do’. We go off on this at great length in this episode. Enjoy! Tags: bathroom, comedy, etiquette, flush, internet, kreskin, manners, orlando, phone, Podcast, radio, slartbeast, somacow, talk, the channel project, voice mailSomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this week by Say… Anything. Listen to three chicks talk about life, love and sex… For free! We fired up some new intros, and the Hopper rejected them. After a quack recovery, Mickey informed us that this week has just been an all around bad time for him on the technological front. It seems he destroyed his laptop, mouse, desk, and much of the east bedroom at his house. Dude really is Powder… So nice and sweet, and then he gets into a rage and metal starts flying. We discuss my inherent need to be on the internet, possibly to now include the installation of a swivel arm mounted computer in my bathroom. It just kills me to know that I could be playing scrabulous or posting some snarky reply to a podcasting forum, if only I didn’t take such lengthy trips to the can. It’s a family tradition, it would seem, because I remember many a night I would sit in the living room and stare at the hallway to the bathroom, wondering when dad would emerge again from his epic shits. Dude had a TV, the hotline to the radio station, a telephone, a CB hookup, 2,000 playboys, and several transistor radios, all around an avocado throne. We bore down on a topic near and dear to my wallet, namely, the Long Distance Relationship. Mickey regales us with a tale from his youthful days, when he was a child and she was a child in a kingdom named Big P. Sad, truly. I told of my ill-fated relationship with a Polack in Mamaroneck (Sorry again about all that!), and J informed us that he was born married to his wife. What’s the biggest bill you ever ran up talking to the opposite sex? 900 numbers included, you dirty, dirty people. Hey, while we have a moment…. Did you know that SCM is giving away a free iTouch? S’true. Click the test at SomaCow.com and get into the running now! So, we at SomaCow frequently make it our goal to explore the mysterious of mankind, and better understand what it means to be a man. Today’s topic of interest – Goatees and Van Dykes. WTF is the deal with this ubiquitous facial fur? Bald guys, hairy guys, emo boys, punk rockers…. I cannot throw a rock without hitting six dudes that have a big satan beard all over their chin. Is this the pinnacle of our beardery? I hope not. I look to my good friend and trendsetter Elross for all my bearding advice. Is it okay for a guy to hug a guy? How do you hug?
We gay right the hell out of this episode with a brief history of the love that dares to squeeze the charmin. We beared up on the following great artists in this episode:
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