SomaCow

I love women, don’t get me wrong.

But they…it’s just…they can’t…they always have to…

WHY CAN’T THEY MAKE UP THEIR FREAKIN’ MINDS?!

So, you buy a house. By which I mean you visit every one of the 1,800 model homes in your area, pretending to be interested when the woman says “I love the vaulted dormer soffits” or “this would make a perfect breakfast nook!”. Look, I’m a man, I have no idea what a “breakfast nook” is. It sounds like a kind of English Muffin.

Then, you move all your furniture and crap in, which is a seven-week process, during which you nearly lose a finger in the footrest of the recliner and, even if you never set foot in the attic, you somehow always wind up with fiberglass insulation in your hair. The point is that you haul your years of accumulated “treasures” into your brand new house. Then, exhausted and most likely bleeding, you collapse onto the chaise lounge (for which the cushions have not yet arrived) and you think to yourself “Finally this is over!”.

Ha! You are a foolish little man.

Why? Because, what is the very next thing the woman in your life wants to do?

“Christen” the house by having sex in each and every room, including the closets, pantry, attic, garage and various crawlspaces in the ceiling?

No.

She wants to redecorate and remodel!

You can plan on spending every Sunday for the rest of your life moving furniture in a circular pattern around each room, until it finally winds up back where it was to begin with. The tons of furniture that you moved in by hand will, of course, immediately need to be replaced with more expensive furniture because your college beanbag chair “looks ratty next to the elegant armoire”. Hey! When we loaded up the trucks, there WAS no armoire. Suddenly, one has appeared, complete with knick-knacks (which she will now complain about having to dust). Men don’t have knick-knacks! We have old copies of Playboy! I have never dusted mine once and they are just fine!

Now that you’re $24,000 in debt with “The Home Furnishing Decor Salon Parlor and Bistro”, you can finally relax and enjoy your new home, right?

Seriously? You’re going to fall for that again?

No, now you have to open an account at “The House-Fixing Depot” because the “perfect love nest” that SHE chose has inexplicably become a “fixer-upper”. Dammit, woman! The house is only eleven hours old!

I just don’t know how to cope with the standard female trait of never, ever being satisfied with anything they have.

You want to know what I would do? You want to see my idea of “redecorating”? Do ya?!

This is a diagram outlining the most convoluted redecorating plan I could POSSIBLY ever concoct, even after twelve beers (click the pic for full-sized image):

Tags: boobs, decor, english muffin, Home Depot, home improvement, men, Playboy, recliner, redecorating, teen, women

Face it guys, we’ve all done it.

Each of us, in our misspent youth, has tried to use a terrible pickup line to get a woman’s attention.

Normally, we simply fail. Occasionally, we fail AND get kicked in the nads. And, at least once in our lives, we have used a pickup line that was SO bad that we required immediate paramedic assistance and an oxygen tent.

What, that never happened to you?

Why do we do this to ourselves? The answer is simple: we are stupid and horny.

Keep in mind that WE are the gender who thinks that fake vomit is hilarious. We are the ones whose idea of “formal wear” means actually wearing socks to the wedding. It is we who can wear a beer hat to a football game with no shame. Well, unless it’s a Miami Dolphins game. Then we just pretend that we are rooting for the visitors.

In my never-ending efforts to save you, my foolhardy brothers, from making the same mistakes I have, I’ve compiled a list of pickup lines that you should never, under any circumstances, not even if a panicked, scantily-clad Playboy Playmate shows up at your front door because her pet poodle “Cokie” has suddenly burst into flames and you have just perfected the world’s first successful Dog Extinguisher, even ATTEMPT to use on a woman, unless your HMO does not require authorization in order to see a specialist.

Keep in mind that all of these lines have actually been used in my presence by actual men hitting on actual women with actual vaginas.

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“Hey, could I bum a smoke? And a lighter? And an orgasm?”

“Well, YOU don’t look like you’ll spend all of my money on clothes.”

“You may not believe this, but I know Mickey from SomaCow…”

“You know, I’m a sensitive guy. I would only put the first nine inches in.”

“Do you like NASCAR? No? Greasy fried chicken? No? Hmmm…I guess we’ll just have to be f*ck-buddies, then.”

“Do you put out on the first date? Oh, not until the fifth? That’s ok, I’ll be back four more times in the next half hour. Have your purse ready.”

“Excuse me, is this your big, fat wallet full of cash? Well, it could be, if you play your cards right, baby.”

“You know, anatomically, we were made for each other.”

“I’m not a neat-freak or anything, but I’m going to have to insist that you don’t get lipstick on my zipper.”

“You may not believe this, but I know J from SomaC…HEY! Where are you going?!”

Tags: beer hat, Dog Extinguisher, fake vomit, fried chicken, HMO, horny, lipstick, Miami Dolphins, nads, orgasm, oxygen, paramedic, pickup, Playboy, Playmate, poodle, socks, stupid, wedding, woman