SomaCow

You might think that because I am a “comedy writer” and a co-host of “The Greatest Internet Radio Show,  EVER!” that my gift of gab would extend into the bedroom.

Well, don’t YOU look foolish now.

For some reason, I could never quite get the hang of talking dirty during sex. While some guys can be quite comfortable ordering their sexual partners to “Take it like a dirty whore! I’m gonna rip you to shreds!”, the nastiest thing I have ever managed to say to the Mrs. was “I hope this is equally unpleasant for YOU!”.

Once, when she was out of town on business, we decided to try having cyber-sex chat on our computers. I sucked at it, because of my tendency to always crack jokes at exactly the wrong moments:

[SomaCowJ]: Oh, baby…yes, baby…do it just like that…a Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar…
[MrsSomaCowJ]: gah

So, I turned to my good, good friends Geoff and Mickey for some guidance on this topic, and asked them for their best dirty-talk lines.

(You know how, in cheesy horror movies, everybody in the WORLD except for the stupid person on-screen knows that it would be a terrible idea to open that closet door, because there will undoubtedly be an axe-weilding homicidal maniac inside? I was like that stupid person.)

Geoff, having control issues, is very demanding in his budoir babble: “You dirty girl, I’m going to f…why is there no coffee ready?! I’m risking a heart attack to give you mediocre sex, and you can’t even have a pot of WaWa brewing for afterward? Put a dollar in the jar! UHHNNNGH! Whew! Ok, I’m done. That was GREAT!”

Mickey was little help, since the only time he talks to people is while we’re recording the show: “Oh, baby, you are like a cascading style sheet that functions perfectly across multiple websites without debugging”. Yeah, I wish I could help him.

On a related note, I was recently researching my family tree, and was quite surprised to discover that several of my great-great grandparents had been porn stars in the late 1800s and early 1900s. I was able to track down some of the “dialog” from these early attempts at silent moving-pictures which CLEARLY demonstrate that my dirty-talk deficiency is genetic. Keep in mind that the language in these films was considered a vile and filthy obscenity in its day:

Yeah. That explains THAT.

If you have any ideas to help me improve my pillow talk, please let me know.

Until then I’ll be boning up on my Priest and Rabbi jokes, as it were.

Tags: boobs, cyber, dirty talk, pillow talk, porn, Rabbi, silent movie, teen

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow brought to you by La Leche League. Feed your babies untainted milk!

In this episode the guys talk about beefs, small packages, and porn!

You know, having a baby sure does change your life. And I’m not talking about the physical act of birthing the baby, I mean just having one around. You might say “duh” but let me tell you… For the last 9 years, until 4 months ago, Geoff was a night owl. He would be up until 1 am easily watching TV, playing on the computer… I can’t count the number of times I fell asleep sitting up just trying to keep up with him. But that baby…you suddenly have all of these new worries, or, if they are the same worries, they are 10 times more worrisome now… Is the baby eating enough? Too much? How will I pay for her college? Is she happy? Will I lose my job? Who will watch her? Will she take the bottle???

And while I worry about them, Geoff works 60 hour weeks, puts on a great show, and spends as much time as he can with Rowan, all along worrying about the above and 100 other things. I’m glad he worries, I’m glad to know I’m not alone, and it’s good he thinks about these things and doesn’t just shrug things off until the worst happens.The worrying never goes away, though, does it?

So anyway, yeah, I’m using this blog space to type this (what else will I do with the notes I have ha! *wink*) as Geoff has passed out next to me at 9 PM and has to be up again early tomorrow morning. I’ll be sure to also throw his bedtime clothes on.

So in this episode, where Geoff, Mickey, J, and the live chatroom were definitely not sleeping, McDonalds was blamed for the meatpocalypse. Then Mickey talked about his small package and gave us all an update. Thanks Mickey!

After that they went into porn and the Chinese Milk drama. I can not wait to go back and listen to THAT segue!

Most importantly, birthdays were talked about. Who doesn’t love a birthday?? Well, Ross is hitting a big one (not the rolled up or water or gravity style, his age silly) and we hear he is having some kind of get together. Rumor has it maybe some trivia involved? We are so there!

So Ross, Happy Birthday. Despite what the song says, you are special!

And Geoff’s birthday is coming up and we are planning some mega-eating for that one. Check in, we’ll keep you posted on where and when but for now, pencil in Saturday, October 25th for some eating!

And in this week’s Weekly Constitutional (which he really does have to do in the bathroom, when else would he have time?) Geoff laments the fact that his Borders was going out of business. The only good thing? The number of books he got for next to nothing! But it is sad…all the little independent stores are practically gone and now the big ones, too?

What isn’t gone is our great music played this episode:

• Dirty Wormz – Top of the Food Chain
• No More Kings – God Breathed

Related articles by Zemanta

• PETA pitches breast milk ice cream
• Edwina Froehlich, 93, La Leche League Pioneer, Is Dead

Tags: baby, beef, birthday, borders, breastfeeding, chat, comedy, dirty wormz, formula, geoff, Happy Birthday to You, Holidays and Special Days, internet, Kids and Teens, kingdom of loathing, kol, la leche league, La Leche League International, mcdonalds, meatpocalypse, milk, orlando, Podcast, porn, radio, sleep, small package, somacow, stress, talk, television, trivia, ustream

Central Florida, as I’m sure you know, is home to the most popular tourist attraction in the world.

No, not Walt Disney World.

No, not Universal Studios Islands of Motion Sickness and Vomit.

I’m talking about: Flea World

Flea World, or, as the locals call it, “The Mall”, claims to be America’s largest permanent flea market. I have no reason to doubt this claim, as I have visited it off and on for 17 years now and I have seen only about one tenth of it. Granted, the one tenth that I have visited was the only part that was contained in air-conditioned, prefab buildings, but I can’t help that. That’s where all the discount Armenian and Slovak porn is sold.

The atmosphere at Flea World is much like that of a country fair, except not in this country. The chiaroscuro (the interplay or contrast of dissimilar qualities) of aromas exceeds my meager language skills to convey to you. The closest I can come is: one part hot car engine parts, one part funnel cakes, one part 1970s head shop, and forty eight parts unwashed foreigner.

In order to project a family-friendly image, Flea World provides beer-stained baby stroller rental for the day. The beer itself can be also purchased on the grounds. For a southern, redneck/mexican marketplace, the selection of beers is astounding, consisting of BOTH Budweiser AND Bud Light.

One of my favorite types of dealer booth is the incense vendor. Here you can purchase oils, sticks and cones that will make your home, and your hair, for the next three days, smell like such diverse scents as “Climax”, “Bitch” and “Wet Leather”.

The most amazing part, to me, is the degree of variety in the products offered for sale by any one vendor. It is not in the least uncommon for a single booth to sell both chinese throwing stars AND Beanie Babies, or fake designer sunglasses AND fake designer power tools, or lingerie AND auto upholstery protectant. Ok, that last pair actually makes a creepy kind of sense.

It’s not just the products that keep the tourists coming back for more. It’s also the services offered. Where else in the WORLD can you get a gruesome tattoo, a haircut (choose from “mullet” or “buzz”), prepare your income tax return, have a root canal, ride bumper cars, and file divorce/inheritance paperwork, all in the same hour?!

If you ever have a chance to visit Flea World yourself, by all means do. You may even see me there, drinking a Bud Light in the Armenian porn booth. Be sure to stop and say “Hi”.

I’ll be the guy whose hair smells like “Climax”.

Tags: Beanie Babies, bitch, Bud Light, Budweiser, chiaroscuro, climax, designer sunglasses, disney, flea market, Flea World, florida, funnel cakes, head shop, leather, mullet, porn, tattoo, throwing stars, tourist, Universal Studios