SomaCow

Originally covered like a Jimmy Hat at SomaCow.com

In this hour, the guys wrapped themselves around penis voices, man dates, and condoms. They also did the man segment. I’m just going to leave that there.

So condoms, do them?

Before I had sex for the first time, I had a great knowledge of sex. I learned at the age of 5 what sex was (and that you had it when you got married). But I never really learned much about condoms. I had health class, the coach squeemishly told us about sex and condoms and babies and maybe some STDs but at the time I was waiting until I got married so whatever.

Then, in college, I decided to screw that idea. Literally? We had a nurse from the UF infirmary come into our class and give us a lecture on safe sex. It was funny, informational, and I listened. For that first time I had condoms, foam, and probably some other thing. I grew but I always insisted on condoms. The first time I had sex without a condom was with my husband, Geoff. He has a way with getting his way. I told him “no sex without a condom” and he said “I don’t have any but I’m clean” and I said, “OK”.

Point being, I still think condoms are important. I still think you should wear them unless you are trying to get pregnant or KNOW that your partner is safe. Geoff may not agree. What will we tell Rowan? What’s worse an STD or an unwanted pregnancy?

So yeah, it may sound from the topic list that this was a very con episode but believe me, it was quite enjoyable. I’m sure you will agree.

Tags: comedy, condom, drakmaglinoth, internet, jimmy hat, man date, orlando, penis, Podcast, pregnancy, radio, sex, somacow, std, talk

Originally posted at SomaCow.com

In this hour, brought to you by HealingRoni Pizza Delivery, I came to a startling realization.

I had just kicked a key member of my show off, and it wasn’t J!

I was struck with the situation, namely, I had just sent Ross packing, he was already out the door, and I knew I had made a mistake. One of my greatest failings (there are many, stick around and try to make a list sometime) is that I rarely consider motive when I am upset. I am great at looking at the world through detached eyes, calmly surmising people and their actions and determining why they do the things they do. Or at least, that is what the tests I took on Spark told me in the nineties.

But when I am angry, miffed, peeved, slighted, insulted, chagrined, embarrassed, threatened, irritated, or pissy, all I see is red. I acted in haste, seeing Ross as out of line, and now what the hell was I going to do? For the first time in SomaCow history, a new show did not start at the top of the hour. I went out of the studio, and found Jen.

She was shocked, confused as to why things had gotten so serious, and she said Ross was already gone. I walked outside, with Mickey and J close behind (it was an opportunity for them to have an unscheduled smoke break, maybe?). I looked down the U of my street, left and right… No Ross. No car. Did he walk? How the hell had he vanished so quickly?

I knew I needed to call him. If I let it go to tomorrow, the bones would set that way, and there would be no repairing the damage done. I whipped out the iPhone, and immediately scanned Twitter.

“it just got real. ON Somacow. – ELROSS”

Well what the hell did THAT mean?

I called Ross.

“Hey, Ross?”

“Hey”

“Where are you?”

“Driving”

I was rapidly losing ground. I knew that if this call ended all jilted and stilted, I’d have to side with my ego, and began the laborious process of walling myself off from Ross. I played back the last year plus of our friendship. Ross and Gary, Ross and Halloween Horror Nights, Ross in a suit atop a bar in downtown Orlando, Ross at my garage sale, buying comics for the kid, and really just assuaging my wife with her pregnancy fears. Ross at dinner, Ross talking to me about impending fatherhood, Ross giving advice on Birthing Centers, Ross giving advice on B4D, Ross shoving us to a tweetup, where we met great peeps. Hours of Ross, handling production, getting guests in and TFO of the studio, calling shows pimping SomaCow, bringing over snacks, bitting with J, giving me shit about smoking because he doesn’t think I should die, Ross at Target, Ross and his many and varied Beard Competitions, Ross Ross Ross.

I couldn’t let him go. So I hatched a plan:

“You can’t leave. There’s Pizza coming.”

I know he saw through it. Mickey, J, Ross and I had a moment, there in that driveway. Why do I sound like Carrie Bradshaw all the sudden?
In this hour, we discussed the Tweetup at Eden at the Enzian, chatted with Etanowitz of the Orlando Sentinel, talked about gay bars, and patched hearts.

Tags: argument, beard, birth center, carrie bradshaw, comedy, eden, elross, enzian, etanowitz, fight, gay bar, halloween horror night, internet, orlando, orlando sentinel, pasta, pizza, Podcast, pregnancy, radio, somacow, spark, talk, tweetup, twitter

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this week by MucheDumbre.com. Social misfitication is a horrible affliction, and I have it bad. Seriously.

Before I retired from the Professional Drinker’s League, I used alcohol as a way to hide the fact that I was a complete social square peg in a round hole world. Heavy drinking led to me getting mugged. But that is a story for another time.

Geoff uses his drinking to be the entertainment pillar of his office parties. And there is no office party like a Christmas office party. Even worse than getting drunk at the office party, Geoff got Wine Drunk.

Which reminds… Red Wine… Don’t Do It! (I can’t type out the details, so listen to the show to find out why.)

So… ok… wow. This is uncomfortable. I’m not sure how to eloquently bring this to an end. This is typical. I do the same thing with phone conversations. I just don’t know how to cut the chord. I feel that if I try to hang up, I will somehow hurt the other person’s feeling. But I don’t want to hang on the line and make them feel awkward.

I think it is a deep seated psychological issue that I have. When I was young, I used to love the telephone, but that was because it was a rare thing for me to actually get a phone call. Although it could be a problem that I usually get phone calls when I am in the middle of doing things and I can’t mutli-task very well. I can multi-task, just not when the phone is involved. I wasn’t trained properly. Like I said, I didn’t get that many calls when I was younger. And… I was always too shy to pick up the phone and call someone.

God, I think back and imagine how much… uh… interaction I could have gotten in high school if I wasn’t so shy, if I would have called the girls in my class, or if I was a little more forward at times.

I’m not trying to look back on life with regret. I have a good “The Chick That I Am Dating“, great actually. We have a lot of … uh… interaction. I’m just describing how I got to where I am with how I handle a phone call. I suck at phone conversations. I’m down right awful. I can’t ever seem to close out the conversation and disconnect.

It’s stupid. I should just be able to call someone and let them know what I have to say. I just feel like, I’m going to hang up and think of something important I needed to tell the person. And that leads to me feeling really dumb for having to call them right back. I hate when I have to call someone right back when I just had them on the phone. The people I often call are mature enough to handle a second call if it is …

You know what, I have to go. Ok, I love you, Goodbye.

Hillbilly Hellcats – Drinkin’ Buddies
Mad Caddies – Drinking For 11
4th Wall Broken – Let Me Ride
London After Midnight – The Kids Are All Wrong

Tags: alternative, birth, bomb, butthole, buzz, carlin, cheese, common, dan, dolphins, eggs, hardcore, history, independant, independent, infertile, intelligent, internet, jesus, mxpx, news, orlando, Podcast, pregnancy, radio, richard, ryan, sanjaya, sense, sperm, sports, suck, surfers, surrogate