SomaCow

Geoff and Mickey are always teasing me about being “old man on the show”. I secretly suspect that this is merely because I was born a long time before they were. But now I guess I can’t complain, because I have finally committed the ultimate old-person act:

“*GASP*”, you gasp, “You have purchased white Sans-a-Belt slacks?!?!”

No, don’t be ridiculous.

I have registered to vote.

Registration, and the whole voting process, conjures up images in my mind of my grandfathers who, after watching fat, old, white men in black suits on the evening news for two hours, causing me to miss the crucial opening minutes of “Sanford and Son” where the whole premise of the episode is established, would grumble and cuss and kick their pale, veiny, spindly grandfather legs at the TV, and swear that they were going to vote against that sonofabitch whom they just voted INTO office during the previous election.

See? Old people actually CARE about what the valueless, ineffectual politicians say and do. Kids, like me, see the world with the clarity of youth and realize that it is far more important to eat Fruity Pebbles, watch Scooby-Doo and put baseball cards in the spokes of your bicycle because it makes a cool noise that sounds exactly unlike a motorcycle.

What’s more, I can PROVE that no elected official in history has had the slightest impact on this nation, or on me, or on you, or on our families as Americans. Ask the Republicans where the problems of today came from, and they will say “From the Clinton administration”. They realize that George Washington Bush has done NOTHING during his eight years in office that impacts us in any way. Next, ask the Democrats where the problems of the Clinton administration came from, and they will say…(ummm…hang on a second while I look up who the President was before Clinton…OH!..OK.) They will say that George Harvey Washington Bush (no relation) was the source of all the misery, completely negating anything that Clinton may have pretended to do while in office. And so it goes, back and back and back through Presidents Ronald Reagan and John Fitzpatrick Kennedy and Benjamin Franklin. None of them, if you ask their party, did anything wrong and none of them, if you ask the opposing party, did anything right.

Net effect: zero.

So, for years I just ignored Washington (the city, not the actual d00d, because I believe that he may be deceased) hoping that it would lobby and spend and impeach itself out of existence, and we citizens could all get back to the REAL American business of hating foreigners and manufacturing sub-standard cars.

But, I finally realized that participating in the election process gives me the ultimate power as an American: the power to vote AGAINST more fat, old, white men in black suits on the evening news for two hours, causing me to miss the crucial opening minutes of “The Office” where the whole premise of the episode is established.

Tags: boobs, Fruity Pebbles, George W Bush, presidents, register, rock the vote, Sanford and Son, Scooby, teens, The Office, vote, voting

Somacow Media is proud ter present SomaCow, broot ter yer on dis gran’, bonny day by Finnegan Seamus, McMeck o’Malleys Sheep Shaggerin’ ‘all an’ Bail Bonds Service. Fer al’ yisser four legged legal endeavors, call Finnegan! we spent a gran’ porshun av dis ‘our discussin’ al’ things Oirish, includin’ de nade ter draink, me desire ter join de military, chinese grub, an’ tattoos.

Jaysus! No wonder that country never built roads ’til the English came and gave ‘em what for.

History is replete with fine examples of Irishmen that have really made the world a better place, and SomaCow salutes them today:

(The Sweetest Pieces of Irish Lass)

Excellent Irishmen, all of them.We’ll be out toasting your health this Monday at Wall Street, enjoying some drinks and watching Enter the Haggis beat down the stage. We never really got into it during the show, but… Who invented that gay “pinch if you aren’t wearing green” schtick? Was that just a Woolworth’s invention to sell off massive reserves of shitty green clothing, or is there some real reason we do it? I never seem to get pinched by hot women, just weird dudes that look all happy about doing it. I have no idea why people generate so much pleasure from touching me. Psychos.

Don’t forget to check out J’s Newsbomb at the :40!

We also chatted about McCain, who apparently forgot to buy something at the Green Zone market last time he was in Iraq and has returned once more this week to bust down on some Baghdad Bargains. Best of luck to you, sir. Please try not to create an international incident during your visit.

And Obama, who had to work hard to distance himself from yet another foaming at the mouth lunatic, this time in the form of his Reverend. I am not sure I disagree with Goodman Wright’s statements, because, behind all the “fohty acres an’ a mool” rhetoric, there is some real truth is what he is saying. Consider these quotes:

“We have supported state terrorism against the Palestinians and black South Africans, and now we are indignant because the stuff we have done overseas is now brought right back to our own front yards. America’s chickens are coming home to roost.”

Well…. We did, regardless of how I feel Israel has a right to exist, we are pissing on the Palestinians when we support Israel. You cannot take a side without opposing another.

What we have allowed to happen, both with arms trade and resource rape, in Africa and other places, is simply unconscionable. The fact is, militant and psychotic Islamic fundies would not be able to win the hearts of these people if we would start showing them the good that America can do.

Another Wrightism:

“Barack knows what it means to be a black man to be living in a country and a culture that is controlled by rich white people…” “Hillary can never know that. Hillary ain’t never been called a n*****.” (censoring mine)

That is a fact. White rich people DO run this country. Well, rich white people and Saudi Royalty. AND! Hillary has never been called the n-word. She has, quite reasonably, lived a life of hate from the right, but nothing along the lines of what many blacks experience, even today.

These are opinions, given by a black man speaking to a congregation. They do not indicate Obama’s mind, no less than the fact that George Bush attended a school run by a religion known for having sex with pigs indicates that George Bush enjoys sticking his junk in a squealing oinker. ALL religion is dumb. As long as you people in this country insist on having a President that goes to church, you will continue to experience stupid preachers that say outlandish shit, and retarded terms like “Chief Spiritual Advisor”. What is this, Tenochtitlan circa 4oo BC? Ooonga the motherfuck Boonga, people.

One opinion that is fact is that we played fabulous music this week:

• Flogging Molly – Requiem for a Dying Dream
• Dirt Poor Robins – Eleanor Rigby
• Presidents of the United States of America – Mixed Up S.O.B.

Tags: advisor, african, alternative, america, baghdad, black, boonga, chief, chinese food, comedy, day, dirt, enter, flogging, goodman, green, haggis, hillary, independant, independent, internet, iraq, ireland, irish, israel, mccain, military, molly, obama, ooonga, orlando, palestine, patricks, patties, pattys, Podcast, poor, presidents, radio, reverend, robins, saint, south, spiritual, st, states, tatoos, tenochtitlan, united, wright, zone