Originally swung at SomaCow.com
Geoff Quits
Pharmacy Woes
Store Cards & Card Stores
Haggling
Lifecoaching- Balance
Dress Codes
Hottest Guy (really? yeah)
War in Afghanistan
Religion Fail
Sex Church
Posts Tagged “religion”SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow brought to you by the fine folks at Amazon.com where Mickey and ‘The Chick-en‘ are… registered? Yes, Mickey shared some great news with us in this hour. For those of you non-engaged type folks out there, how much money would you need to make to get married? 10 grand? 40 grand? PSHAW! If you click here you can help our dear pale patriot’s dream become a reality. On a lighter note…well, not really, but can you say “On a heavier note”?… Some Mormons (technically, they were not Mormons, but they seem Mormony) allegedly screwed the wrong chickens, or chicks, and a 16-year-old called in for help and help done came. This time there were no tanks or flaming deaths as officials raided a compound and rescued 200 women and children. Just what kind of line do you use to get that many women to come and live as your sex slave? “No babe may enter the kingdom of heaven but through a threeway with me.” doesn’t seem to cut it, sadly. All this religious talk leads us to believe we should start a religion. All we need is a name. I think that church might make you feel more connected to people. I remember when we first moved into my house, a neighbor told us how our house was always known for being the place to stop and pick oranges after Mass for the local Catholic church. First thing I did after that was erect a six foot privacy fence with a latchless gate.
Keep your child touching hands off my citrus, freaks! (I think they may be sneaking in around the base. The pious are known diggers!) Mickey’s wisdom-filled Life Coaching segment at the :40 expounds upon the belief that life is just not fair. Inspirational, truly! Ending on a bit of a downer, we discuss the death of the shuttle program, the possible massive layoffs that may entail for Brevard county, and the frustrating lack of new science projects. What the hell are we wasting all our money on in this country? Some Sand-War? PLEASE. If I were shot into space tomorrow, all I would ask for would be a mix tape containing these bands!
SomaCow Media, Inc. in proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Text-Link Ads… If you have a blog worth a damn, you should be using them. Ah, Florida – In this hour, we discuss what is wrong with our home state skillet, and why the rest of you people no longer want to grace her shelly beaches with your overwhite fat flesh. It looks like the streams of “New Family” arrivals into our fair state have dwindled to lows not seen since the great Sadness of ‘77 (see also, Dumb Gov., Gas Shortages, and Stupid Hair). Whereas we had once been content to sit back and wait for the multitudes to settle down in our suburbs, lapping up the over-chlorinated groundwater, settling into their stucco empires and demanding the immediate erection of god knows how many Wal-Marts, Walgreens, and Walled Communities, it is now apparent that we can no longer count on John and Jane Q. Pennsylvania to swell our ranks. So, what is a suddenly single stategal like Florida to do to make ends meet? We used to simply pay tribute to The Mouse, as The Mouse would attract dollars to its various theme parks and overpriced resorts, allowing us the occasional mealy morsel in the form of a Bed Tax. With a tanking economy, the idea of waiting for millions of vacationers to show up with a fistful of financial stability doesn’t seem to be in the cards. Some people scream, “Let’s get some GAMBLIN’ already!” – I ask those people to look at New Jersey, or those god-awful southern states along The Hurricane Brim. Poor bastards live hand to mouth, and most people with sense can see that gambling makes Casinos and Land Developers rich, not citizens. Plus, they attract crime, and as we are rapidly advancing on the Murder Capital of the Country prize here in Orlando, I doubt we can afford to plug in a giant neon bandit brigade right now. And so, we at SomaCow have a simple solution – Boobs. I know, we ALWAYS say boobs, but, seriously, boobs. Open the finest strip clubs in the country. Kick out the sleaze, the ne’erdowells, the coke dealers and the just plain creepies. Build strip clubs on every corner, and stock them with clean kids with business degrees and fresh immigrant poon. STATE OPERATED STRIP CLUBS is what I am driving at. Every girl that does enough sit-ups to be able to hold her own weight up sideways on a brass pole gets a tax break. We have the sun for tanning, it’s certainly hot enough to make most girls want to get undressed, all we need is the legislation to allow a friendly neighborhood boobecue on every corner. Get rid of the stupid purple buildings, and the creepy smoked glass, and the lame ass gold chained fur chested fauxmafia types, and make a strip club into the kind of place a man would proudly bring his kids to live beside. I gotta get some more facts here, so consider this one in the works. Mickey announced his intention to open the first prototype! We’re still recovering as a city from Nipple-Shock. It seems that the WWE had to modify their promotional materials here in Orlando so that MALE wrestlers nips were not showing. When I first heard about it from Xander on The Lunar Room, I realized that I do not currently have a large enough font to display my wtf-acity. Speaking of wtf-acity…
I mean, why would anyone want this taken down? It’s the truth, right? Or is it? Should you raise your children with religion? religions? If you do will they turn out like J and sue the church? Mickey actually quotes Bill Clinton in his Life Coaching this week at the :40 so check it out! J doesn’t get aroused in strip clubs. I am just saying. We’re never taking down the following great bands:
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