SomaCow

SomaCow Media, Inc. in proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Text-Link Ads… If you have a blog worth a damn, you should be using them.

Ah, Florida – In this hour, we discuss what is wrong with our home state skillet, and why the rest of you people no longer want to grace her shelly beaches with your overwhite fat flesh. It looks like the streams of “New Family” arrivals into our fair state have dwindled to lows not seen since the great Sadness of ‘77 (see also, Dumb Gov., Gas Shortages, and Stupid Hair). Whereas we had once been content to sit back and wait for the multitudes to settle down in our suburbs, lapping up the over-chlorinated groundwater, settling into their stucco empires and demanding the immediate erection of god knows how many Wal-Marts, Walgreens, and Walled Communities, it is now apparent that we can no longer count on John and Jane Q. Pennsylvania to swell our ranks.

So, what is a suddenly single stategal like Florida to do to make ends meet? We used to simply pay tribute to The Mouse, as The Mouse would attract dollars to its various theme parks and overpriced resorts, allowing us the occasional mealy morsel in the form of a Bed Tax. With a tanking economy, the idea of waiting for millions of vacationers to show up with a fistful of financial stability doesn’t seem to be in the cards.

Some people scream, “Let’s get some GAMBLIN’ already!” – I ask those people to look at New Jersey, or those god-awful southern states along The Hurricane Brim. Poor bastards live hand to mouth, and most people with sense can see that gambling makes Casinos and Land Developers rich, not citizens. Plus, they attract crime, and as we are rapidly advancing on the Murder Capital of the Country prize here in Orlando, I doubt we can afford to plug in a giant neon bandit brigade right now.

And so, we at SomaCow have a simple solution – Boobs.

I know, we ALWAYS say boobs, but, seriously, boobs.

Open the finest strip clubs in the country. Kick out the sleaze, the ne’erdowells, the coke dealers and the just plain creepies. Build strip clubs on every corner, and stock them with clean kids with business degrees and fresh immigrant poon. STATE OPERATED STRIP CLUBS is what I am driving at. Every girl that does enough sit-ups to be able to hold her own weight up sideways on a brass pole gets a tax break. We have the sun for tanning, it’s certainly hot enough to make most girls want to get undressed, all we need is the legislation to allow a friendly neighborhood boobecue on every corner. Get rid of the stupid purple buildings, and the creepy smoked glass, and the lame ass gold chained fur chested fauxmafia types, and make a strip club into the kind of place a man would proudly bring his kids to live beside. I gotta get some more facts here, so consider this one in the works. Mickey announced his intention to open the first prototype!

We’re still recovering as a city from Nipple-Shock. It seems that the WWE had to modify their promotional materials here in Orlando so that MALE wrestlers nips were not showing. When I first heard about it from Xander on The Lunar Room, I realized that I do not currently have a large enough font to display my wtf-acity.

Speaking of wtf-acity…

I mean, why would anyone want this taken down? It’s the truth, right? Or is it? Should you raise your children with religion? religions? If you do will they turn out like J and sue the church?

Mickey actually quotes Bill Clinton in his Life Coaching this week at the :40 so check it out!

J doesn’t get aroused in strip clubs. I am just saying.

We’re never taking down the following great bands:

• Richard Cheese – Girls, Girls, Girls
• The Vandals – Fucked Up Girl
• They Might Be Giants – The Mesopotamians

Tags: ads, arousal, aroused, be, bed, bill, billboard, blog, boobs, brass, capital, casino, cheese, clinton, clubs, comedy, dancer, disney, fleetwod, forida, gambling, gas, giants, governor, independant, independent, internet, link, lunar, mac, male, mickey mouse, might, murder, music, nipple, orlando, Podcast, pole, radio, religion, richard, room, somacow, strip, sun, talk, tax, text, the mouse, they, tmbg, vandals, wal-mart, wrestler, wtf, wwe, xander

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this week by Specialty Pizza Express. It’s damned fine pie. Seriously. I recommend the Super Cheese, cause it doesn’t plate off the cheese into a gooey death mess on your neck on the first bite. Just mouthful after mouthful of steamy hot wet moo. I guess there is a reason I do not write ad copy for a living…

So, this is the final episode of audio weirdness. You may have noticed the last three episodes suffered a certain tinny warblyness, and I am happy to report that that issue is resolved, and we here at SomaCow Media, Inc. are ready to screw up in all new ways!

In this hour, we discussed my toe, which is looking better now, thank you for asking. I still have no nail, and I am terrified of its tendency to turn ghostly white, but the pain is gone and the swelling is reduced. It’s a lot like lovemaking that way. If you ever need a podiatrist, I highly recommend Dr. Pearl. His bedside manner is second only to his hot nurse assistance. Just make sure you exfoliate your heels before you go, as no one wants to hit on a cute girl when she is holding a scabrous hoof.

For us, it begged the question, why would ANYBODY be a podiatrist, or a proctologist, or an otolaryngologist? I mean, you sat through god knows how many science and math courses, you staved off sleep through internships galore, and now, you stand, your shingle in hand, ready to get hippocritical on some mo’ fo’s, and you choose leaky swollen nasty bits? Weird. Sound off if you know why, Heard.

The Pope has been quite active lately, making assorted commentary on the Iraq war, the middle east in general, and how Muslims should act. I can only attribute it to the fact that his man-boylust is peaking, and I hope somebody can get him some kidtouchbane or wormwood or whatever normally makes him go back to his dark lair.

I would like to take a moment to address our younger listeners, specifically, our Catholic younger listeners. We at SomaCow know that the Pope is deadly serious in his desire to ram some youth butt, and so we offer these handy tips to stave off potential papal/priestly buggery:

1. Smoke heavily. Nothing turns off a horny holy man faster than proffering the wafer of Christ only to see a furry green and yellow tongue staring back at him. At the very least, eat lots of sour apple candy, and try to get braces. Make your mouth into a threatening sewer of steel and sticky rotten putrid bits of nasty, and Father O’Faggy may just read scripture instead of undressing you with his rheumy eyes.

2. Bean up, boy! Every Saturday night, carb load like a dervish, and ask for seconds. The more gas you expel, the more you will stink, especially “in your rectory”, as it were, so load up on Kidney Beans, Lentils, Mushrooms, Pinto Beans, Cheese, Refried Beans, Pad Thai (extra hot!), Broccoli and whatever else is good for your heart. The more you eat ‘em, the less you have to worry about some creepy old guy slipping his hand up your frock.

3. Worship Satan! Yes, its a well known fact that the Devil wants to eat your soul, and destroy all that is good in the world, but he is also a hermaphrodite, and thus suffers from what your Dad calls “ED“. Just make sure you get back on the good foot after you grow facial hair (Think Goatee-Gotta Go!) and you will be right as rain. Priests don’t want to fuck adults, if they did, they would have gotten a real job, and a car, and maybe a really sweet jacket. Only perverts spend that much time on their knees.

Hopefully those will help you out in your efforts to “get thee from behind me”, kids. Now quit listening to our show and go outside. Your parents would kill us if they knew you were here. Well, probably not. I mean, they take you to church, so they obviously hate you.

Yeah…

Anyway, we played some great music in this episode, featuring these angelic bands:

• Frenzel Rhomb – I Went Out With a Hippy & Now I Love Everyone Except For Her

And I reviewed Apollo 13, which I loved, as will you. It got us to talking about space exploration in general, and that always puts me in a better mood. We have so little time left, people. Time to get serious about Science and start exploring and colonizing. We are one lonely miserable anthill floating all alone in the “highly unfashionable western spiral arm” of Nowheresville. Momma Earth is a good egg, but we will need to hatch one day soon, and the more we understand about off-terrestrial living, the more equipped we will be to handle the sudden poach.

See you on Sunday in the Ustream! Happy Easter!

Tags: altamonte, apollo 13, bean, carb, catholic, cheese, comedy, dysfunction, easter, ED, erectile, explore, express, faggy, fart, frenzel, independant, independent, internet, music, muslims, nasa, orlando, otolaryngologist, pearl, pizza, Podcast, podiatrist, pope, problems, proctologist, radio, rhomb, richard, satan, somacow, sound, space, specialty, springs, super, talk, toe, toenail, touch, ustream, wormwood

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Say Anything Radio. They’re not gay, or retarded.

In this episode, we discuss the abuse of the words “Gay” and “Retarded” by common society to indicate that something sucks, or isn’t intelligent. We need to find new words, because, honestly, gay people do NOT suck, and retarded people are actually very smart.

Okay, nevermind then.

We also discussed that bastard teacher in Chicago that taped down a retard, which was gay, and sorta retarded.

It’s apparently time again for the Grammys, which seems kinda gay, and almost retarded, because there is no reason for an industry that is as broken as the music industry is to be handing itself out accolades. Best Song Targeted for a Car Commercial, anyone? Best Abuse of an Underaged Starlet and Subsequent Destruction of her Fragile Pubescent Personality? The Grammys are dead, the music industry is in a coma, and independent artists are all that matter.

Here are some we played in this hour!

• Richard Cheese – Hot For Teacher
• Big D and The Kids Table – Steady Riot

Mickey tried to sandbag J’s NewsBomb, the hottest segment on our show according to the listeners. Tell him what a mean thing that was to do, and support J in his new endeavor. Poor J. He is not gay or retarded. He is kinda fluffy, though.

Tags: abuse, alternative, anything, big, cheese, chicago, dean, gay, grammies, grammys, heath, independant, independent, internet, kids, ledger, newsbomb, orlando, Podcast, radio, retard, retarded, richard, say, schiavo, somacow, table, terry