SomaCow

SomaCow Media Network is proud to present Somacow, brought to you today by Semoran Skateway. If you’re ever in the Orlando area, it’s the only place left, really, for you to throw down and trip the lights on a fat four wheeled skate session.

In this hour, we talked about Mickey’s 35th birthday party, which The Chick That He Is Dating was kind enough to throw. It was… surreal, and J and I came to the terrifying realization that Mickey was born to skate. He just looks right, twirling around, gossamer threads of diet mountain dew sweat arcing from his magnificent suddenly seven foot tall hair. The dude needs to be retro-installed into every ABBA video.

We also discussed Bill Gates leaving office, as tipped by one of our chat room listeners. If you ever want to listen live, its pretty easy – just swing by the ustream and you can watch anonymously, or create a log-in and take part in our discussion. Just one of the many gifts that Bill Gates and his OS of shame have yet to take away from us. Maybe next build, yeah?

We rounded out the hour talking about pie. Specifically, $60.00 if you eat it, you get it for free pie. I have yet to hear from the guys this week, as I know they are cowardly and afraid of my skills in the fields on munch, I cannot say that I am surprised. But I promise you this – the competition will happen, there will be video, and I will not fail. What’s 29 inches, multiplied by 3.14? Lunch, that’s what.

Happy 4th of July to all our listeners. Try not to blow off any of your appendages, and send pictures of your firecracker boobs to Mickey@somacow.com. I will, apparently, be spending much of today getting to know our new toilet seat. I wish we had gone with the $700 dollar model.

And listen to these fine tunes with us:

• Richard Cheese – Welcome to the Jungle
• Richard Cheese – Hey Ya!
• Richard Cheese – Material Girl

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SomaCow Media, Inc. in proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Text-Link Ads… If you have a blog worth a damn, you should be using them.

Ah, Florida – In this hour, we discuss what is wrong with our home state skillet, and why the rest of you people no longer want to grace her shelly beaches with your overwhite fat flesh. It looks like the streams of “New Family” arrivals into our fair state have dwindled to lows not seen since the great Sadness of ‘77 (see also, Dumb Gov., Gas Shortages, and Stupid Hair). Whereas we had once been content to sit back and wait for the multitudes to settle down in our suburbs, lapping up the over-chlorinated groundwater, settling into their stucco empires and demanding the immediate erection of god knows how many Wal-Marts, Walgreens, and Walled Communities, it is now apparent that we can no longer count on John and Jane Q. Pennsylvania to swell our ranks.

So, what is a suddenly single stategal like Florida to do to make ends meet? We used to simply pay tribute to The Mouse, as The Mouse would attract dollars to its various theme parks and overpriced resorts, allowing us the occasional mealy morsel in the form of a Bed Tax. With a tanking economy, the idea of waiting for millions of vacationers to show up with a fistful of financial stability doesn’t seem to be in the cards.

Some people scream, “Let’s get some GAMBLIN’ already!” – I ask those people to look at New Jersey, or those god-awful southern states along The Hurricane Brim. Poor bastards live hand to mouth, and most people with sense can see that gambling makes Casinos and Land Developers rich, not citizens. Plus, they attract crime, and as we are rapidly advancing on the Murder Capital of the Country prize here in Orlando, I doubt we can afford to plug in a giant neon bandit brigade right now.

And so, we at SomaCow have a simple solution – Boobs.

I know, we ALWAYS say boobs, but, seriously, boobs.

Open the finest strip clubs in the country. Kick out the sleaze, the ne’erdowells, the coke dealers and the just plain creepies. Build strip clubs on every corner, and stock them with clean kids with business degrees and fresh immigrant poon. STATE OPERATED STRIP CLUBS is what I am driving at. Every girl that does enough sit-ups to be able to hold her own weight up sideways on a brass pole gets a tax break. We have the sun for tanning, it’s certainly hot enough to make most girls want to get undressed, all we need is the legislation to allow a friendly neighborhood boobecue on every corner. Get rid of the stupid purple buildings, and the creepy smoked glass, and the lame ass gold chained fur chested fauxmafia types, and make a strip club into the kind of place a man would proudly bring his kids to live beside. I gotta get some more facts here, so consider this one in the works. Mickey announced his intention to open the first prototype!

We’re still recovering as a city from Nipple-Shock. It seems that the WWE had to modify their promotional materials here in Orlando so that MALE wrestlers nips were not showing. When I first heard about it from Xander on The Lunar Room, I realized that I do not currently have a large enough font to display my wtf-acity.

Speaking of wtf-acity…

I mean, why would anyone want this taken down? It’s the truth, right? Or is it? Should you raise your children with religion? religions? If you do will they turn out like J and sue the church?

Mickey actually quotes Bill Clinton in his Life Coaching this week at the :40 so check it out!

J doesn’t get aroused in strip clubs. I am just saying.

We’re never taking down the following great bands:

• Richard Cheese – Girls, Girls, Girls
• The Vandals – Fucked Up Girl
• They Might Be Giants – The Mesopotamians

Tags: ads, arousal, aroused, be, bed, bill, billboard, blog, boobs, brass, capital, casino, cheese, clinton, clubs, comedy, dancer, disney, fleetwod, forida, gambling, gas, giants, governor, independant, independent, internet, link, lunar, mac, male, mickey mouse, might, murder, music, nipple, orlando, Podcast, pole, radio, religion, richard, room, somacow, strip, sun, talk, tax, text, the mouse, they, tmbg, vandals, wal-mart, wrestler, wtf, wwe, xander

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by The Lunar Room. Check out Xander and Lauren and all their guests each week on Saturdays at 5pm Eastern.

SomaCow had a run-in with the fine folks at Texas de Brazil tonight. Sometimes you eats the beefs:

And sometimes, the beefs eat you.

We are all going to die of full.

/from intern who didn’t get to go to dinner/

So the guys talked about truckers. I do not understand why Geoff, Mickey, and J have such a respect for truckers. There truckers.

Then they talked about the Adirondack dog sled race. I don’t see what the issue is here. I mean, there just stupid dogs.

And they talked about beef. (It is singular. If you are going to be on the radio you should at lest learn good English.) They went out to eat and left me at the studio to write the blog. Real fun, considering I can’t read anything Jen wrote. You figured they would train me to take over when Jen has her baby, but aparently they went to dinner with a guy that is supposed to take over for her when she has her baby after she has her baby.

How unfair is that?

Seriously. I have worked my ass off.

Oh, and another thing. Bagging on teh French, how clishay. George W. Bush jokes are real cutting edge.

I will agree with Geoff, Mickey, and J, Penelope Cruise and Selma Heyick are hot.

/end intern who didn’t get to go to dinner/

Please, if you can read this, play the following great songs during our mass funeral:

• Me First and the Gimme Gimmes – Eastbound and Down
• Emery – The Movie Song
• Naome Bradshaw – Walking Wounded

This is Naome Bradshaw:

Tags: alternative, brazil, comedy, de, eat, emery, first, free, gimme, independant, independent, internet, itouch, lunar, me, meat, orlando, Podcast, portuguese, radio, room, somacow, texas