SomaCow

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this week by the fine folks at Rational Riot. It’s sort of like that Candlebox song, but without all the emotive rocking.

Okay. Shocker episode this time around, because we talked about food, and drinking, and rude. We were champing at the bit to get down to Texas de Brazil, and so we raced around. In a valiant effort to get the goddamned subject off of eating for once, we discussed the finer points of shaving. I seriously need to, and ingrown hairs are just plain nasty. What a horrific flaw in the design of man that is, and proof positive that shaving is an unnatural and weird act.

I find it humorous that people consider shaving to be a sign of culture and etiquette, considering the irrational ideas behind such behavior. You pluck hair from a horse, and make lather from alkaline death, and sharpen steel and place it by your jugular… How barbaric.

Look… I will shave. I really will. I just have to spread out the time between shaves, with the average being about two to three months. We discuss in this episode what happens if you do more.

We also talked about drunken behavior, and cell phone behavior, and why it is incredibly difficult to not walk over to the counter at seven eleven and pick up the happy yellow coffeepot and smash it over the guy next to you in line’s head repeatedly, until he collapses into a heap of bloodied skin, broken bone, and smashed bluetooth. I’m not violent, but I am willing to learn, you know?

Weekly Constitutional focused on Henry Rollins’ The First Five, a collection of his earlier narratives and verse from the 80s. Gripping stuff, and I highly recommend it if you are intelligent and somewhat mad. Then again, you listen to this show, so you are obviously intelligent, and quite mad. Buy the book, support the show, free your mind, eat at Joe’s, and all that razzamatazz.

This hour also features the oddest, and most frightening thing I have ever been asked by a listener. I don’t even want to go into it. It’s just… odd. I want to believe the person asking was a woman, and joking, but I am pretty sure that neither was the case. Just go listen. The Horror.

You know what would be good to listen to on a Free iTouch, courtesy of SomaCow? The following great artists, THAT’s what. Chicken Butt.

• Straight Outta Junior High – Meatheads, Douchebags, and Me
• Dirty Wormz – Top of the Food Chain

Oh, and apologies to Mickey for the Dane Cook reference. I just can’t control myself. My. SELF.

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We congratulate you, as a person of taste, class, and sophistication. We hope you will put that all aside and enjoy the wonder of our new show, Somacow.

We began this venture under a different name, and with a different cast, in a different studio. Lots of adversity has befallen us, including one of our show members winning the lottery and going on to build custom choppers in the Caymans and not answering our phone calls. The changes we have undergone have forged us anew, and we stand now ready to provide you, our listeners, with a wealth of phenomenal internet radio the likes of which have never been heard.

Well, right after we get through this first episode. It was like losing our show virginity again, with Mickey and I stumbling over each other’s cues, flailing away at the following topics:

Mickey has anger issues that often lead to tantrum fits. I consoled him, but I think what I said just enraged him further. He is an angry, angry co-host, and I fear him. I am terrified that he will show me what “The Penis Thing” is, and I simply do not feel the show can survive such an incident.

Copyrighting, in general, is a good thing, but many organizations are abusing their trademarks, causing creativity to become stifled and capitalism to fail. We give a few specifics, and encourage you folks to check out all those Star Wars Parodies. Some of them, especially Troops, slay us.

One of the biggest problems we faced with the show rename was that it is impossible to develop a name these days, seeing as most every letter series is now owned by some upstart company in TwoHams, Idaho. Seriously… Copper Pig media? Steel Rabbits Amalgamated? SynCorn? MADNESS. We selected SomaCow Media, and trademarked the ass out of that. So, please, if you use the name, send us some cheddar. better to be a landowner than a squatter, or something.

We touched on the tragedy up north, but I am not entirely sure we got all the facts right. Lots of people were yelling at us in the chat room, stating that we were mixing up the facts and making a mockery of the situation. This was not our intention, and we welcome folks to set us straight on what went down that fateful night in Ohio.

Featured during the show this episode we had some great music! Check out these bands:

* Fabs – Surfing Safari
* Luck and Trouble – One Hit Blunder
* Cobra Starship – Bring It
* Hot One – Pistol Whip Me
* The Sleeping – Loud and Clear

We wrapped up with the Alec Baldwin Incident, and Mickey refreshed me on parenting. Poor Alec, so hated, and so misunderstood by the world. We know the level of anger a harpy-like ex and her Salacious Crumb Demon Pawn Offspring can drive a man to, and we… well, I, stand by you now in your time of pain. All divorces make men insane.

Please feed us back on what you thought of this episode. We’ll see you on Wednesday with Episode 2!

Tags: alec, baldwin, cobra, copyright, copywriting, cow, episode, fabs, first, hot, internet, little, luck, one, orlando, phat, phoenix, pig, Podcast, radio, rude, show, sleeping, soma, starship, the, the syndicate, trouble