Originally stunned at SomaCow.com
In this hour, the guys and girl talked about:
Christmas Movies
3D in movies
Santa = Terrorist
Libraries
Bums
Working Kids
Light Rail Fail
Stun Gun Quit Smoking Method
Fail Big
Posts Tagged “Santa”Originally shopped at SomaCow.com
It’s Black Friday so let’s talk shopping! We can, and did also discuss: Flickchart.com who will be joining us next Sunday. If you have questions you would like us to ask them, drop us a comment here or email us at moo@somacow.com Nook is out of stock What’s the craze for kids this year? Did you get the crazes when you were young? Did you hear about Santa? Do you/will you tell your kids about Santa? How much would you pay for Mike Jack’s glove? What would you pay 350k for? What book would you spend thousands on? Is Disney a must see or is it just a money pit? Tags: black friday, comedy, disney, glove, internet, michael jackson, nook, orlando, out of stock, Podcast, radio, Santa, shopping, somacow, talkNote: Due to a recent email from a prominent local civic authority, I will be disguising the name of the town in which the events below took place. There, is that good enough for your oppressive, bureacratic, clenched sphincter? Politicians, man… The Christmas season has officially arrived! Needing a break from my arduous task of busting on rednecks, white trash and inbreeders, I loaded up the family recently, drove “across the tracks” to a seedy town near ours, and attempted to lose myself in the festive spirit of the traditional City of Sandfurd Christmas Parade. I wove my way through pungent clumps of citizens who were bedecked in every imaginable variety of festive holiday wife-beaters and flip-flops. Another note: throughout this narrative, whenever I use the word “festive”, which will be a million times, it will be in the sense of “not the slightest bit festive at all, really”. I parked my ample backside on a bench in the front row, using my SomaCow press credentials to elbow my way past children who were too short to see the parade anyway. What? They can see Santa at the mall all month, sheesh. Nothing puts me more in the yuletide mood than a dozen fire and rescue vehicles with their sirens (or, as we say in Tennessee “sigh-reens”) blaring. Every baby within 100 yards of me, whether held on Daddy’s shoulders, or clutched to Mommy’s bosom, pooped simultaneously as the sirens passed, lending the proceedings the festive aroma of warm apple cider with poop in it. Since “open containers” were allowed in the streets, I can’t actually remember much about the order in which the floats passed by me, so I will just point out those which caught my attention most. The first float that I can remember seeing was a camouflage-green airboat, being pulled on a trailer. It was not decorated, except to have the word “Sherrif” painted festively on the side of it, nor was anyone riding in it. It was pulled slowly past us as if to say “You’d better make goddamn sure those fishing licenses are up to date, Christmas or not! Ho ho ho!” The local hospital charities were represented by a float from which the celebrants tossed free condoms into the crowd. They were closely followed by members of the Some Souls Catholic Church, whose members went around taking back all the free condoms. Lots of other churches participated, many having floats portraying the nativity scene. At one point, a guy near me held up his one-year-old son and announced loudly “This here’s your baby Jesus right here! Whoo-hoo! Baby Jesus!”. His baby-momma blushed to the very roots of her professional-wrestler-white-bleached hair. Local small business owners, the backbone of our economy, were out in force as well. The extremely festive Sceptic Tank Pumping Vehicle gave me a moment of patriotic pride when it passed, causing me to reflect on the blessings of indoor plumbing, which I often take for granted. There were school marching bands, of course, but since I couldn’t identify any of the songs they were playing I am merely going to comment that it takes YEARS to master the concept of stepping forward on the same foot as the person next to you. YEARS. Many private groups were represented as well. The Shriners, The Lions Club, The Royal Order of some animal whose banner had gotten twisted so I couldn’t read it, and one guy, walking alone, wearing a fez, carrying his own banner which read simply “Carl”. Santa and Mrs. Claus closed out the parade, much to the delight of the dirty-faced children and probably also the bench that I was sitting on. A woman behind The Clauses with a megaphone gave us repeated Season’s Greetings of “Thanks for coming to our Parade! Rock on! Are you guys ok up there? Rock on! Can we pick up the pace a little bit? Rock on! No, Mommy can’t pick you up right now, darlin’. Rock on!” All in all, it was a fine effort to kick off the Christmas Season. I would however, like to suggest that if nobody throws me any candy again NEXT year, I am very likely to use the town’s REAL name and publish its address and home phone number. Rock on! |
|
|
Entries (RSS)