144: Palpable Palpatine [55:05m]:
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SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this week by Specialty Pizza Express. It’s damned fine pie. Seriously. I recommend the Super Cheese, cause it doesn’t plate off the cheese into a gooey death mess on your neck on the first bite. Just mouthful after mouthful of steamy hot wet moo. I guess there is a reason I do not write ad copy for a living…
So, this is the final episode of audio weirdness. You may have noticed the last three episodes suffered a certain tinny warblyness, and I am happy to report that that issue is resolved, and we here at SomaCow Media, Inc. are ready to screw up in all new ways!
In this hour, we discussed my toe, which is looking better now, thank you for asking. I still have no nail, and I am terrified of its tendency to turn ghostly white, but the pain is gone and the swelling is reduced. It’s a lot like lovemaking that way. If you ever need a podiatrist, I highly recommend Dr. Pearl. His bedside manner is second only to his hot nurse assistance. Just make sure you exfoliate your heels before you go, as no one wants to hit on a cute girl when she is holding a scabrous hoof.
For us, it begged the question, why would ANYBODY be a podiatrist, or a proctologist, or an otolaryngologist? I mean, you sat through god knows how many science and math courses, you staved off sleep through internships galore, and now, you stand, your shingle in hand, ready to get hippocritical on some mo’ fo’s, and you choose leaky swollen nasty bits? Weird. Sound off if you know why, Heard.
The Pope has been quite active lately, making assorted commentary on the Iraq war, the middle east in general, and how Muslims should act. I can only attribute it to the fact that his man-boylust is peaking, and I hope somebody can get him some kidtouchbane or wormwood or whatever normally makes him go back to his dark lair.
I would like to take a moment to address our younger listeners, specifically, our Catholic younger listeners. We at SomaCow know that the Pope is deadly serious in his desire to ram some youth butt, and so we offer these handy tips to stave off potential papal/priestly buggery:
1. Smoke heavily. Nothing turns off a horny holy man faster than proffering the wafer of Christ only to see a furry green and yellow tongue staring back at him. At the very least, eat lots of sour apple candy, and try to get braces. Make your mouth into a threatening sewer of steel and sticky rotten putrid bits of nasty, and Father O’Faggy may just read scripture instead of undressing you with his rheumy eyes.
2. Bean up, boy! Every Saturday night, carb load like a dervish, and ask for seconds. The more gas you expel, the more you will stink, especially “in your rectory”, as it were, so load up on Kidney Beans, Lentils, Mushrooms, Pinto Beans, Cheese, Refried Beans, Pad Thai (extra hot!), Broccoli and whatever else is good for your heart. The more you eat ‘em, the less you have to worry about some creepy old guy slipping his hand up your frock.
3. Worship Satan! Yes, its a well known fact that the Devil wants to eat your soul, and destroy all that is good in the world, but he is also a hermaphrodite, and thus suffers from what your Dad calls “ED“. Just make sure you get back on the good foot after you grow facial hair (Think Goatee-Gotta Go!) and you will be right as rain. Priests don’t want to fuck adults, if they did, they would have gotten a real job, and a car, and maybe a really sweet jacket. Only perverts spend that much time on their knees.
Hopefully those will help you out in your efforts to “get thee from behind me”, kids. Now quit listening to our show and go outside. Your parents would kill us if they knew you were here. Well, probably not. I mean, they take you to church, so they obviously hate you.
Yeah…
Anyway, we played some great music in this episode, featuring these angelic bands:
- Frenzel Rhomb – I Went Out With a Hippy & Now I Love Everyone Except For Her
And I reviewed Apollo 13, which I loved, as will you. It got us to talking about space exploration in general, and that always puts me in a better mood. We have so little time left, people. Time to get serious about Science and start exploring and colonizing. We are one lonely miserable anthill floating all alone in the “highly unfashionable western spiral arm” of Nowheresville. Momma Earth is a good egg, but we will need to hatch one day soon, and the more we understand about off-terrestrial living, the more equipped we will be to handle the sudden poach.
See you on Sunday in the Ustream! Happy Easter!
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