SomaCow

Originally covered like a Jimmy Hat at SomaCow.com

In this hour, the guys wrapped themselves around penis voices, man dates, and condoms. They also did the man segment. I’m just going to leave that there.

So condoms, do them?

Before I had sex for the first time, I had a great knowledge of sex. I learned at the age of 5 what sex was (and that you had it when you got married). But I never really learned much about condoms. I had health class, the coach squeemishly told us about sex and condoms and babies and maybe some STDs but at the time I was waiting until I got married so whatever.

Then, in college, I decided to screw that idea. Literally? We had a nurse from the UF infirmary come into our class and give us a lecture on safe sex. It was funny, informational, and I listened. For that first time I had condoms, foam, and probably some other thing. I grew but I always insisted on condoms. The first time I had sex without a condom was with my husband, Geoff. He has a way with getting his way. I told him “no sex without a condom” and he said “I don’t have any but I’m clean” and I said, “OK”.

Point being, I still think condoms are important. I still think you should wear them unless you are trying to get pregnant or KNOW that your partner is safe. Geoff may not agree. What will we tell Rowan? What’s worse an STD or an unwanted pregnancy?

So yeah, it may sound from the topic list that this was a very con episode but believe me, it was quite enjoyable. I’m sure you will agree.

Tags: comedy, condom, drakmaglinoth, internet, jimmy hat, man date, orlando, penis, Podcast, pregnancy, radio, sex, somacow, std, talk

I’m fully aware that I am about as healthy as drinking a jar of mayonnaise through a straw.

I eat too much junk food.
I drink too much.
I smoke too much.
I have too much sex. What? Shut up.

I get winded making the bed.
I have to take frequent rest breaks while riding an escalator.
When using a ladder to hang Christmas decorations, I have to establish a “base camp” on the second rung.

What I’m saying is: it came as no surprise to me that I almost died from the killer “Captain Micks” flu virus that Mickey gave to us all.

What DID surprise me was how quickly, and completely, the disease disabled me, and how long it lasted.

I’m recovered now, and I really appreciated all of your “Get Well Soon”, “We miss you”, “OMG it turns out that you really ARE the source of the SomaCow funny, get your ass back there!” emails, but I thought I would give you a private glimpse into my two weeks of suffering, in hopes that it might at least garner me some sympathy b00bie pics.

A Day on my Deathbed

11:00am – Wake up. Open left eye. Rest briefly. Open right eye.
11:15am – Ask someone to please wring out my pillowcase and replace it with one that is neither dripping nor off-green.
12:00pm – Wish that I could remember what food tastes like.
12:30pm – Take the ninth and tenth Nyquil ComaCaps of the day.
2:00pm – Wake up lying on the cold bathroom tile, wondering whether I was headed there to pee, barf or re-apply my hair gel.
3:00pm – Wish that I could remember what cigarettes taste like,
4:30pm – Insert a ShamWow into each nostril. Try to sleep on my back.
6:00pm – Enjoy a hearty dinner of Afrin Nasal Spray and Cherry Hall’s.
7:00pm – Watch “Friends”. Hey, I’m not DEAD.
7:30pm – Wish that I could remember what sex tastes like.
8:00pm – Collapse into a restless slumber for the night, with fevered dreams of Jennifer Aniston rubbing Vick’s Vap-o-Rub on my pompadour, which causes sparks to shoot out and collect into a rectangle that begins to burn my head.
8:15 – Wake up long enough to realize that what is actually happening is that the heating pad has ignited my hair gel.
8:16 – Decide that putting out the fire can wait until tomorrow.
zzz…ZZZ…zzz…ZZZ…

I wouldn’t wish this miserable virus on anyone. Please, please, please, dear listeners, get your flu shots.

And never, never, never purchase butane hairstyling products.

Tags: Afrin, bacon, boobs, flu, hair gel, Jennifer Aniston, mayonnaise, sex, teens

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow brought to you by Redboy Podcast.

Hi everyone! It’s me, Jen. I’m filling in for Geoff while he nurses the baby, er, I mean, sleeps…

Do you miss me? You know, you can always come chat with me while I listen to SomaCow on Ustream, and also of course for Say… Anything. I know I miss my notetaking! I am going to do my best to let you know about this hour using Ross’s cryptic notes.

From the first three lines I can surmise that John Edwards had sex, Bernie Mac died, and the boys have a death wish on another comedian??

Then it says Budweiser is greater than divided by 3. Now I love math, but this formula has had me scratching my head so much the dogs are bringing me the Advantage! This led into “beer talk”. I do remember this from the live show…Kostritzer is teh yummy…

The next line says either WW IIII or WW VII but I think those are both wrong? No clue.

But opposite of war is peace, like the Olympics! The opener was supposed to be grand, and the guys want Bob Costas to get ‘STUF’fed? Do they think he’s too skinny?

Mickey peed in the Navy. OK, I really don’t understand how this is noteworthy! Unless he literally peed IN the Navy…but what does that even mean?

And the last note on the page is that Mickey was stranded at Burger King without paper. I guess Mickey likes taking notes, too?

Well, I know that reading these notes and trying to give them back to you, dear Heard, does not do the hour justice because when listening live from 1-2 PM Eastern last Saturday, it flew by and was quite entertaining. So take a listen, and maybe you can help me decipher these notes. We’ll call it a SomaCow mystery.

What wasn’t a mystery was the music this week!

• They Might Be Giants – Istanbul, not Constantinople

Tags: beer, bernie mac, bob costas, bud, Budweiser, burger king, comedy, dead, dies, internet, john edwards, kingdomofloathing, kol, kostritzer, navy, notes, olympics, orlando, pee, piss, Podcast, radio, redboy, richard belzer, say anything, sex, somacow, talk, they might be giants, tmbg, ustream