SomaCow

 

 SomaCow 350: Cakes and Wine [1:03:07m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Originally broke off at SomaCow.com

In this hour, we extend our welcome to Ryan of The Channel Project for a round table discussion on topics as diverse as gated communities, what not to do on a first date, and holding the door.

Some of you people apparently never took etiquette as an elective in finishing school, or maybe manners just don’t matter no more, but to help you, I have compiled a list of 5 things that still get you served the douche platter, regardless of what you think.

5. Answering the phone like you are Kreskin. I don’t care that it is 2009 (2009), when I call you, I expect to hear, “hello”. You do not know that my phone is actually IN my hand, with me on the other line. It could be my wife, or the thief that just stole my car, or the kidnapper offering demands for my safe return. You certainly are going to botch all that up by saying, “Hey, did I leave my watch in your ass last night?” The order of operations is as follows: “Hello” “Hi, it’s Slartbeast” “Hey there, Slart, you old duvet-pounder! Howsaboy!”

4. Talking in the bathroom. Regardless of if you are on a cell phone, or just feel chatty with me, I need you to hush. I have a tiny penis, and I hate the smell of bathrooms. The more you talk, the tinier it gets and the more I get angry. A fart, a cough, a snort, the soft sound of you sobbing from the stall, those are all music to my ears. I really do not need articulation at this time.

3. Not listening to the five minute voice mail I just left you. Look. YOU decided to not answer, let it go to voice mail, leave your phone in your other pants wedged behind the pig piano on the fourth floor of your three story house, whatever. I was hurt. Crestfallen. But I mustered the courage to leave you an excellent, well-crafted message on your phone. I spent a decent amount of effort imparting to you what time we are meeting, when the movie starts, what movie we are seeing, the fact that we already got you a ticket, what color cinnabun I will be wearing, etc. etc. etc. The last thing I need is to see you calling me 2 minutes later saying “Hey, wanna see a movie?”

2. Flush. Seriously. Flush the fucking thing. Yes, it’s amazing. No, no one has before this day crafted a turd quite like that one, or had urine quite that shade of goldenrod. Still. Flush it. Photograph it if you must, hell; you can fish it out and make a turducken-for-two plaster mold of the damned thing, I don’t care. Just don’t let me hit that room with :06 seconds to spare and see some sad, crusted trooper leftover from your personal water loo.

1. Hode de do’. We go off on this at great length in this episode. Enjoy!