SomaCow

 

 SomaCow 356: They Are Not Men They Are SomaCow [55:02m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Originally covered like a Jimmy Hat at SomaCow.com

In this hour, the guys wrapped themselves around penis voices, man dates, and condoms. They also did the man segment. I’m just going to leave that there.

So condoms, do them?

Before I had sex for the first time, I had a great knowledge of sex. I learned at the age of 5 what sex was (and that you had it when you got married). But I never really learned much about condoms. I had health class, the coach squeemishly told us about sex and condoms and babies and maybe some STDs but at the time I was waiting until I got married so whatever.

Then, in college, I decided to screw that idea. Literally? We had a nurse from the UF infirmary come into our class and give us a lecture on safe sex. It was funny, informational, and I listened. For that first time I had condoms, foam, and probably some other thing. I grew but I always insisted on condoms. The first time I had sex without a condom was with my husband, Geoff. He has a way with getting his way. I told him “no sex without a condom” and he said “I don’t have any but I’m clean” and I said, “OK”.

Point being, I still think condoms are important. I still think you should wear them unless you are trying to get pregnant or KNOW that your partner is safe. Geoff may not agree. What will we tell Rowan? What’s worse an STD or an unwanted pregnancy?

So yeah, it may sound from the topic list that this was a very con episode but believe me, it was quite enjoyable. I’m sure you will agree.

 

 SomaCow 344: Cheats and Codes [55:10m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Originally drizzled at SomaCow.com

In this episode, we covered the South Carolina governor’s cheating ways, our manly things, Canada Day, Independence Day, and porn on the iPhone.

I feel awful… Our listener Glenn Webber took over writing show notes for me, and I just now got them in my email inbox. They are lengthy and thorough, and the last two blogs really should reflect that. Good work, Glenn!

So, it seems pretty lockstep around the show that cheating is a no no. We’ll have to verify with Mickey when he gets back. I have never understood the concept of cheating, and why you would not just tell the person you are with that it is over before you start a new plough.

I am happy I sewed my royal oats, as it were, before I got married. I look around me and see 90% of the marriages of my friends ending in a bitter unfaithful divorce. A wise guy I know says if you ever want to think a thing through, write out all the pros and cons and determine the end sum reached.

- Itchy Dick -

Many are the men who thought their one stop pantsdrop would be a momentary lapse of penis, but the reality is that more than half the people you know got something funky going on down undah. Condoms can’t stop it all, people. What if the herpes is on the pubis? Not only do you get that sick feeling in your stomach of being forever afflicted with some nasty nads, but you will eventually give it to your current partner, maybe even any kids you have. Yech. Wham, Bam, OH MY GOD IT BURNS.

- Layin’ Low -

Seriously… What if the girl you pick to cheat with is a fat chick? Or that loud abrasive gal in sales, with the hook nose? What if she’s just needy, and stalks you, calling you at all hours of the night, leaving snotty notes on your car, showing up around your boys and asking for you. You don’t need this noise. Boiling a bunny is just where it starts, and most women know that a cheating guy wants to keep it on the dl. Once a chick knows what you do NOT want, she has a choke chain on you for the duration of your indiscretion. Never give another person your rope.

- Twice the Price -

Maybe money isn’t a problem for you. Maybe you have cold hard cash pouring out of your ears, pooling around you, causing you to engage in Scrooge McDuckin swimming sessions in an ocean of finance. For the rest of us, cash is scarce, especially now. Unless you like washing the sheets once a day, you probably cannot bring your mistress to your bed, and so you end up getting hotels, or driving to their place. Might as well take them to dinner. Oh, and it’s their birthday, gotta get them a bracelet or some other hunk of metal that says, “thanks for effing me!” Whoops… Your wife is now feeling like you never take HER out to dinner, better get her some baubles, too, and on and on and on. I hear a lot of dudes bitch about how expensive it is to divorce. It is far more expensive to juggle dames.

I could go on, but you won’t read it.

Now, here is what you get for cheating – To Stick It In A New Hole

Whoopty Shit.

The curious thing about holes is that once you have explored their depth, they are pretty much like every other hole out there. Do what I did… Get pretty good at spelunking, check out a bunch of shallow caverns, and then go find yourself a Carlsbad. Spend the rest of your life learning its intricities.

And for God’s Sake… bring a canary.