SomaCow

I have never been great with needles. We know this. It’s been established, here. I can demonstrate this with powerpoint, and with the use of handouts.

Humorous, then, that I have a condition requiring twice, thrice, maybe even fourice poking, stabbing, nailing, spiking, and sharpy-shanking myself with a needle.

Granted, it’s not that much of a needle. But man… I’ll try to explain.

When I was a kid, we went to the local water park, a blue and white pee and chlorine affair known as “Wet ‘N Wild”. Along with all the standard water park fare, your lazy rivers, your slippy slides, your tunnel of stuck fat German tourist, there was a ride called “The Der Stuka”, which roughly translates to “The The Fisting” in German.

The name made sense after you rode the ride, consisting of a near 90 degree drop down a washboard , gradually planing down into a vibratory thunkathunka head-pounding flume. Only then could you began the slow, eventual process of removing your bathing suit from your nether and supernal regions.

This ride was terrifying, and usually riders had to be “helped” into committing to the Plunge.

So the powers that be built a second “The Der Stuka”, equipped with a bomb bay. A cylindrical tube you stepped into, shut the door behind you, and stood in the dark… Waiting.

At some point, maybe now, or now… or now… or right NOW! A technician would hit the button, and the bottom of the cylinder would open, dropping you to your watery up the butt grave below. Great times!

If you are a masochist.

Each time I (or Nurse) aims the stabby needle at my finger, I am again in that dark tube, looking out that filthy plexiglass window, wondering when t-

OW!

…and then the greedy vampire glucose testing strip must be fed. At least it has the decency not to sparkle.

Suck it up, Geoffrey!

I know. I am.

And today is another day between the fences of 70 and 120 for my blood sugar. Little high, I will attribute it to a lack of exercise, since I worked late.

Have a great one, you guys. Those of you with suggestions, encouragement, or admonishment, I really appreciate the support. It means a lot!

Tags: blood, der, diabetes, glucose, nurse, ouch, poke, ride, stab, strip, stuka, sugar, TEST

SomaCow Media, Inc. in proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Text-Link Ads… If you have a blog worth a damn, you should be using them.

Ah, Florida – In this hour, we discuss what is wrong with our home state skillet, and why the rest of you people no longer want to grace her shelly beaches with your overwhite fat flesh. It looks like the streams of “New Family” arrivals into our fair state have dwindled to lows not seen since the great Sadness of ‘77 (see also, Dumb Gov., Gas Shortages, and Stupid Hair). Whereas we had once been content to sit back and wait for the multitudes to settle down in our suburbs, lapping up the over-chlorinated groundwater, settling into their stucco empires and demanding the immediate erection of god knows how many Wal-Marts, Walgreens, and Walled Communities, it is now apparent that we can no longer count on John and Jane Q. Pennsylvania to swell our ranks.

So, what is a suddenly single stategal like Florida to do to make ends meet? We used to simply pay tribute to The Mouse, as The Mouse would attract dollars to its various theme parks and overpriced resorts, allowing us the occasional mealy morsel in the form of a Bed Tax. With a tanking economy, the idea of waiting for millions of vacationers to show up with a fistful of financial stability doesn’t seem to be in the cards.

Some people scream, “Let’s get some GAMBLIN’ already!” – I ask those people to look at New Jersey, or those god-awful southern states along The Hurricane Brim. Poor bastards live hand to mouth, and most people with sense can see that gambling makes Casinos and Land Developers rich, not citizens. Plus, they attract crime, and as we are rapidly advancing on the Murder Capital of the Country prize here in Orlando, I doubt we can afford to plug in a giant neon bandit brigade right now.

And so, we at SomaCow have a simple solution – Boobs.

I know, we ALWAYS say boobs, but, seriously, boobs.

Open the finest strip clubs in the country. Kick out the sleaze, the ne’erdowells, the coke dealers and the just plain creepies. Build strip clubs on every corner, and stock them with clean kids with business degrees and fresh immigrant poon. STATE OPERATED STRIP CLUBS is what I am driving at. Every girl that does enough sit-ups to be able to hold her own weight up sideways on a brass pole gets a tax break. We have the sun for tanning, it’s certainly hot enough to make most girls want to get undressed, all we need is the legislation to allow a friendly neighborhood boobecue on every corner. Get rid of the stupid purple buildings, and the creepy smoked glass, and the lame ass gold chained fur chested fauxmafia types, and make a strip club into the kind of place a man would proudly bring his kids to live beside. I gotta get some more facts here, so consider this one in the works. Mickey announced his intention to open the first prototype!

We’re still recovering as a city from Nipple-Shock. It seems that the WWE had to modify their promotional materials here in Orlando so that MALE wrestlers nips were not showing. When I first heard about it from Xander on The Lunar Room, I realized that I do not currently have a large enough font to display my wtf-acity.

Speaking of wtf-acity…

I mean, why would anyone want this taken down? It’s the truth, right? Or is it? Should you raise your children with religion? religions? If you do will they turn out like J and sue the church?

Mickey actually quotes Bill Clinton in his Life Coaching this week at the :40 so check it out!

J doesn’t get aroused in strip clubs. I am just saying.

We’re never taking down the following great bands:

• Richard Cheese – Girls, Girls, Girls
• The Vandals – Fucked Up Girl
• They Might Be Giants – The Mesopotamians

Tags: ads, arousal, aroused, be, bed, bill, billboard, blog, boobs, brass, capital, casino, cheese, clinton, clubs, comedy, dancer, disney, fleetwod, forida, gambling, gas, giants, governor, independant, independent, internet, link, lunar, mac, male, mickey mouse, might, murder, music, nipple, orlando, Podcast, pole, radio, religion, richard, room, somacow, strip, sun, talk, tax, text, the mouse, they, tmbg, vandals, wal-mart, wrestler, wtf, wwe, xander