SomaCow

Face it guys, we’ve all done it.

Each of us, in our misspent youth, has tried to use a terrible pickup line to get a woman’s attention.

Normally, we simply fail. Occasionally, we fail AND get kicked in the nads. And, at least once in our lives, we have used a pickup line that was SO bad that we required immediate paramedic assistance and an oxygen tent.

What, that never happened to you?

Why do we do this to ourselves? The answer is simple: we are stupid and horny.

Keep in mind that WE are the gender who thinks that fake vomit is hilarious. We are the ones whose idea of “formal wear” means actually wearing socks to the wedding. It is we who can wear a beer hat to a football game with no shame. Well, unless it’s a Miami Dolphins game. Then we just pretend that we are rooting for the visitors.

In my never-ending efforts to save you, my foolhardy brothers, from making the same mistakes I have, I’ve compiled a list of pickup lines that you should never, under any circumstances, not even if a panicked, scantily-clad Playboy Playmate shows up at your front door because her pet poodle “Cokie” has suddenly burst into flames and you have just perfected the world’s first successful Dog Extinguisher, even ATTEMPT to use on a woman, unless your HMO does not require authorization in order to see a specialist.

Keep in mind that all of these lines have actually been used in my presence by actual men hitting on actual women with actual vaginas.

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“Hey, could I bum a smoke? And a lighter? And an orgasm?”

“Well, YOU don’t look like you’ll spend all of my money on clothes.”

“You may not believe this, but I know Mickey from SomaCow…”

“You know, I’m a sensitive guy. I would only put the first nine inches in.”

“Do you like NASCAR? No? Greasy fried chicken? No? Hmmm…I guess we’ll just have to be f*ck-buddies, then.”

“Do you put out on the first date? Oh, not until the fifth? That’s ok, I’ll be back four more times in the next half hour. Have your purse ready.”

“Excuse me, is this your big, fat wallet full of cash? Well, it could be, if you play your cards right, baby.”

“You know, anatomically, we were made for each other.”

“I’m not a neat-freak or anything, but I’m going to have to insist that you don’t get lipstick on my zipper.”

“You may not believe this, but I know J from SomaC…HEY! Where are you going?!”

Tags: beer hat, Dog Extinguisher, fake vomit, fried chicken, HMO, horny, lipstick, Miami Dolphins, nads, orgasm, oxygen, paramedic, pickup, Playboy, Playmate, poodle, socks, stupid, wedding, woman

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Repticon. For all your stinging, biting and creeping horror needs, Repticon is a one stop shop for pets sure to scare the living crap out of your neighbors.

Saturday was a big day for me and my wife, as we decided to actually leave the SomaCow Studio Compound and Sausage Emporium and head out. I had been told by a friend that Repticon made for a good fun walk-around, so we piled into the Saturn Running Show and headed over.

Place was amazing. I talk about it some in this episode, and Jen got a buttload of excellent pics which you can check out while listening – Some of these things have otherwordly colors, and blew my mind. Hell of a lot bigger selection than what we see at Pet Bazaar or any of the local cricket and mealworm shops.

There were lots of women there, surprisingly. I really do not know what that is about. Mickey and J say Snakes=Penis. Mickey feels that pets signal the death of a person’s social life, and I tend to agree.

Those of you that like snakes, you should head down to the Central Florida Zoo and wave “hi” to a good friend of ours serpents, both of whom idle away their luxuriant life in happy herpe heaven. Maybe next weekend I will hit the zoo and get you guys some pics. God knows something good has to come out of that camera I bought Jen.

We talk a lot about snakes, and Mickey clues us in to what it REALLY means when a chick touches a reptile. I wonder what it means when a chick touches her iPod iTouch, that she won from SomaCow Media? Take the test and win!

Also – PSA -don’t have hermit crabs as pets- You think it’s cute. Your kid may say they do, but they are lying. Stop scaring your children, people.

We finally agree that, for some people, reptiles are just their “Thing” – Everyone needs to have a thing, something that they get nutty for, or follow religiously. Mickey’s might be comics, mine might be authors and their first editions, and J… J loves shrimp.It came up during the episode, and maybe you can sound off here: How much would you pay for a piece of the moon, or what object would you pay an exorbitant amount for, far above it’s supposed “value”?

Check out J’s NewsBomb at the :40, where he makes Mickey AND I laugh. No. REALLY!
In sadder news -

Guess who’s Back?

Back Again?

Nader’s Back.

Stupid Bastard.

Yeah, it didn’t rhyme, but there is no less evocative, more meaningless, less likely candidate to ever announce. I have more belief that Chavez, or Charlie Chaplin, or Charlie freaking Brown, could be elected, than Ralph. S. Mouse Nader. Dude is a perfect example of the guy that just does not know when to leave the party and go the F home. And that’s coming from a card carrying member of the Green Party. That whole organization is falling apart at the seams. Maybe I will fix it in a later episode.

We rounded out the hour with some Oscar talks. We must just not get out to the theaters enough, cause I have not seen a single big contender. Give me some suggestions, listeners. I saw 3:10 to Yuma, and it was excellent. What else from this year’s harvest should I be seeing?I apologize for the Jungle Fever singing. Sincerely.

Don’t forget to check out Justice at the Club at Firestone, coming soon. Get in, get’tained, and let us know how it was.

And enjoy the following hissy hissy tunes in this episode:

• Cobra Starship – Bring It (Snakes on a Plane)
• Bittybox – Snake Eyes

Tags: anything, bastard, bazaar, bittybox, brown, camera, central, chaplin, charlie, chavez, club, cobra, comedy, contest, cricket, dance, emporium, firestone, fl, flickr, florida, free, green, independant, independent, ipod, itouch, justice, mealworm, mouse, music, mysgyn, nader, nikon, orlando, oscar, party, penis, pet, Podcast, radio, ralph, repticon, reptile, s, sanford, saturn, sausage, say, snake, starship, stupid, talk, woman, women, zoo