SomaCow

I am a man.

A man’s man; a guy; a d00d.

As such, I am cursed with a very simple, rudimentary brain, a very short attention span and a trouser-dwelling companion who thinks he’s running the whole show from down there.

I’m not complaining, exactly. Most of us men eventually learn to adapt to these limitations. It becomes second nature, like parallel parking or being able to kill a spider without standing on a chair screaming. Or not caring when people at the mall catch us scratching our junk.

But it sure would help us out in the bedroom if you ladies could see your way clear to not complicating matters for us.

I’m talking about your G-spot.

Where the hell do you women keep your freakin’ G-spots?!?!

Do you always bring them along, or do you sometimes leave them in your purse? I have personally found the legendary Holy Grail four times already (including once in a castle in England and once in a Sharper Image store), and I can tell you where Waldo is in an instant (he’s usually behind the concession stand), but locating the apparently migratory G-spot is usually way tougher. Is there any adequate device for achoring the G-spot into position? Having to chase one around the living room during foreplay is not very romantic.

Maybe you sometimes forget to provide a G-spot, and are then too embarrassed to mention this to your partner. Have you ever locked your G-spot in your car? Did you have to call Triple A? Triple G?

I have no idea what proper “G-spot etiquette” is. Is it poor etiquette to be the only partner having a G-spot? My Mom always used to say “If you didn’t bring enough G-spots for EVERYbody…”

If we go out to dinner first, do you expect me to open your G-spot for you, check your G-spot with the coat attendant, or pull out your G-spot for you as we’re being seated? A tiny little clue would be nice.

I think you women perpetuate these mysteries as just another tool in your “Convince Men That They are Inferior” toolbox, which I find highly unfair. Men will give YOU a four-page, double-spaced script, with notes in the margins, diagrams AND a PowerPoint presentation describing EXACTLY what we like, what we want you to touch, and PRECISELY where it is located. We leave nothing to chance. We don’t ask you to guess. I think this is very generous of us.

So, if you would like us to be your knights in shining armor in the bedroom, a trail of breadcrumbs leading to YOUR own personal Holey Grail would be very much appreciated. Or a trail of tater tots. Or Fritos. And bring some dip too, please. And some beer. In fact, let’s just go out to the sports bar.

Umm…what were we talking about?