SomaCow

 

 SomaCow 316: Fine Slew [1:02:38m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by VOTING FOR SOMACOW. If you listen to this show, and you like it, please vote for us. Thanks!

In this hour, we discussed Mythbusters, Gay Marriage, Obama’s gift giving, Apple Viruses, and Mickey’s plan to beat Ashton Kootch to 2 million followers on Twitter. I wish Mickey luck, because at the rate Swine Flu is spreading, we may not have 2 million people left to log on to Twitter. I knew we were reaching a Bacon Event Horizon. Too much pork, too much delicious, sweet, savory pork, and now look where our arrogance has placed us. If we had only listened to religions that eschewed pork! Shame.

In an effort to save YOU, the listener, I have come up with 5 simple ways you can avoid catching the vicious bug sweeping our Nation.

1. Eat Them Down – Like the rappers told us in the nineties, we need to kill all the Pigs. As a nation, let’s get down to the store and buy and eat all of the bacon, chops, fatback, salted pork, sausages, brats, hot dogs, spam, ALL OF IT. Go full Porcine Carnivore, consuming every last scrap of the Other White Meat, and the pigs will be extinct. It is a presumed fact that an extinct species cannot catch any more colds.

2. Kick the Pig – If you are unable to eat pig, due to your silly “God” and his con “rules”, you need to defend yourself. Invest in a good steel toed boot, and be ready. At any moment, a friendly four legged hawg may come sniffing up to you, and you have got to put that sucker through the twin uprights of another land. Aim for the soft underbelly (directly below the belly, and above the soft underunderbelly), and try to kick THROUGH the pig. Some folks like to take the “lift and toss” angle, using their shin and ankle to boost the pig, but real distance will only come from a solid toe to tummy touch. If your pig does not “Squee” or pulls a 9 mm and starts yapping about your Miranda Rights, you are possibly dealing with a different animal altogether.

3. Use your Cough Button – It’s a known fact to all but J that a cough button will protect you from the sound of your coughing on your internet radio show, but a little known fact is that cough buttons ALSO fight germs. Simply strap a cough button to your chest and walk amongst people, secure in the fact that you are not spreading your awful, wheezy phlegm onto passers-by whenever the orange lit button is depressed. The emotional state of the button is key, apparently.

4. Convert to Muslimanity or Jewishness – I know, it seems drastic, but when you take on either of these religions for yourself, the whole world shrinks into a manageable and fun microcosm. As a Muslim, you can either spend all of your time denying yourself pleasure, or trying to hurt, kill, maim, explode, and bore other people with your ideologue. As a Jewfolk, you get the joy of being where you are not wanted NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE, and making delicious deli meats. Choose your own adventure, and while you are arguing, feeling guilty, and exploding, you will no longer have time to worry about some silly Swine Flu.

5. Opt Out – It’s well documented that a man dying of one disease simply doesn’t have the time, spare cells to hijack, or energy to die of, another. Go get yourself a steaming cup of Avian Flu, or Ebola, or Malaria, or Whooping-Cushion Cough, or Tetanus, or Infatigo, or Biscuitmania, and sit back and enjoy your slow, agonizing end on YOUR TERMS. Don’t let some piggish disease dictate your demise! There are literally tens of horrible diseases that will summate your experience in this world in a way you find acceptable. I am aiming for sexy robot lockjaw, but you are your own host, and must make your own choices.

I hope this list helps you giggle a bit, before our inevitable and sudden death. It’s been fun, though, and I thank you for listening. Do please set your podcatchers and RSS devices to auto-update, so we can still count you as a subscriber until your power company shuts down. Thanks!

 

 SomaCow 315: Animandate [1:02:54m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by spb designs photography. Take a moment to immerse yourself in some of his pictures. His style is innovative and atypical, and wholly neat.

In this hour, we discussed shopping with another man, Technicolor, and some guy who lives in Orlando and wears a panda suit. I don’t know, just go with it. Can’t be any worse than our standard third hour fare, right?

I was shocked to learn that Mickey thinks I over-order at the butcher. Maybe I do, but that is only because I shop when I am hungry. Here, for your pleasure, are my High Dollar Food Grocery Chain seeking tips, courtesy of the ‘Cow:

1. Never Shop Hungry. As soon as you arrive at your local high end grocery store, head straight for the olive bar. You can theoretically eat 48 of these in a few seconds, and the layer of olives, oil, and salt in your stomach will help you to make smarter choices in your cuts. Ignore the stares of other patrons and employees… Their coats are not shiny.

2. Buy in Bulk. If London Broil, or Delmonicoes, or even a good beef stew meat is on sale, it doesn’t matter how many people are being served, how much meat you can safely ingest in a months time, or even the contents of your meager checking account. BUY IT ALL. I have NEVER looked across the table and thought, “gee, I purchased reasonably! I am thrilled to not have leftovers!” You can never have too much meat. If you ever find yourself in such a ridiculous predicament, come see me.

3. Stick to the Meats and Vegetables. It’s a known fact that all higher end grocers line their counters with great priced local produce and fresh, tasty food. So why is everyone in this store so fat? It’s the Pastry, stupid. Covered in butter, swollen with sugary goodness, these evil entrepreneurs have left eclairs and napoleans aplenty lurking behind each and every corner. You have to be strong, and slap aside such sweettraps. Eye on the prize, never look back just keep…. Oh… It’s got key lime filling? Okay, just… Just give me 18 of them. Thanks! Oh! Hey, is that sea salt and habenero popcorn over there? That goes good with Kona, right?

4. Carry a Basket. This is the only real tip on the list. You should not be eating more than you can carry (unless it is cheap beef, see tip #2). If you get a cart, you can load and load and load, and the next thing you know, you have a $456.82 bill and you are wondering just how the hell does one cook butternut squash, anyway? Avoid this scenario, and just get the li’l basket. Ignore the fact that your friend keeps insulting your sexuality and asking if you are going to see your grandmother. 1 in 5 adults have Herpes, and he is looking 20, if you know what I mean.

5. Get Your Wife to Do It. I cannot stress this enough: The easiest way to get a chore done quickly and with a minimum of effort is to have someone else do it. Life is so much easier when you have other people buy your food, cook your meals, tie your shoes, write your blogs. If you do it, and it sucks, or does not go well, or in any way fails, you have to scramble for someone to blame. Only by sitting back, and forcing others to do your bidding can you truly find fault, and yet not exert effort.

Best of luck, Shoppers!