SomaCow

What would we do without you, the listener?

I’ll tell you what we would do without you. We would eat flamed beefs. All day, every day. But, as good as that would be, it would still leave a large empty place in our hearts, though not our thighs.

What would be the point of us getting actors’ names mixed up, making up ridiculous news stories or tickling fatties on the webcam if it weren’t for you, and the time you spend with us?

Everything we do here at SomaCow, we do for our listeners. Whether it’s giving away a free iPod Touch (no purchase necessary, some restrictions apply), scouring the Interwebz for things that
might interest you, or coughing into the mic during Mickey’s Life Coaching segment, the point is: you complete us.

And what is our reward? What’s in it for us? It’s the growth of our show, our network and ourselves (for which you listeners are not ENTIRELY responsible, see flamed beefs above).

So thanks to each and every one of you who has downloaded our podcast, or listened to us live on Sundays from 2-5pm EST, or watched our video stream on ustream.tv, or donated funds or commented our blogs or entered our contests.

THIS JUST IN:
Ok, one of you listeners has gone completely nuts. And we love it!
Candy, our favorite stripper from the midwest, has captured the very ESSENCE of the personalities on the SomaCow show with her masterful and insightful rendition of: The SomaSims. Wonder how J would look if he were skinny? Want to know what’s REALLY under Mickey’s omnipresent trucker cap? Dying to see how Geoff plans to knock off Mickey and J so he can be the sole heir to the empire? Visit Candy’s The SomaSims site. Leave her a comment, and the lap dance is negotiable.

THIS is why we do what we do.

And we would cuddle every one of you.

Tags: beef, cuddle, Interwebs, ipod, lap dance, life coaching, listener, Sims, touch, ustream

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this week by Specialty Pizza Express. It’s damned fine pie. Seriously. I recommend the Super Cheese, cause it doesn’t plate off the cheese into a gooey death mess on your neck on the first bite. Just mouthful after mouthful of steamy hot wet moo. I guess there is a reason I do not write ad copy for a living…

So, this is the final episode of audio weirdness. You may have noticed the last three episodes suffered a certain tinny warblyness, and I am happy to report that that issue is resolved, and we here at SomaCow Media, Inc. are ready to screw up in all new ways!

In this hour, we discussed my toe, which is looking better now, thank you for asking. I still have no nail, and I am terrified of its tendency to turn ghostly white, but the pain is gone and the swelling is reduced. It’s a lot like lovemaking that way. If you ever need a podiatrist, I highly recommend Dr. Pearl. His bedside manner is second only to his hot nurse assistance. Just make sure you exfoliate your heels before you go, as no one wants to hit on a cute girl when she is holding a scabrous hoof.

For us, it begged the question, why would ANYBODY be a podiatrist, or a proctologist, or an otolaryngologist? I mean, you sat through god knows how many science and math courses, you staved off sleep through internships galore, and now, you stand, your shingle in hand, ready to get hippocritical on some mo’ fo’s, and you choose leaky swollen nasty bits? Weird. Sound off if you know why, Heard.

The Pope has been quite active lately, making assorted commentary on the Iraq war, the middle east in general, and how Muslims should act. I can only attribute it to the fact that his man-boylust is peaking, and I hope somebody can get him some kidtouchbane or wormwood or whatever normally makes him go back to his dark lair.

I would like to take a moment to address our younger listeners, specifically, our Catholic younger listeners. We at SomaCow know that the Pope is deadly serious in his desire to ram some youth butt, and so we offer these handy tips to stave off potential papal/priestly buggery:

1. Smoke heavily. Nothing turns off a horny holy man faster than proffering the wafer of Christ only to see a furry green and yellow tongue staring back at him. At the very least, eat lots of sour apple candy, and try to get braces. Make your mouth into a threatening sewer of steel and sticky rotten putrid bits of nasty, and Father O’Faggy may just read scripture instead of undressing you with his rheumy eyes.

2. Bean up, boy! Every Saturday night, carb load like a dervish, and ask for seconds. The more gas you expel, the more you will stink, especially “in your rectory”, as it were, so load up on Kidney Beans, Lentils, Mushrooms, Pinto Beans, Cheese, Refried Beans, Pad Thai (extra hot!), Broccoli and whatever else is good for your heart. The more you eat ‘em, the less you have to worry about some creepy old guy slipping his hand up your frock.

3. Worship Satan! Yes, its a well known fact that the Devil wants to eat your soul, and destroy all that is good in the world, but he is also a hermaphrodite, and thus suffers from what your Dad calls “ED“. Just make sure you get back on the good foot after you grow facial hair (Think Goatee-Gotta Go!) and you will be right as rain. Priests don’t want to fuck adults, if they did, they would have gotten a real job, and a car, and maybe a really sweet jacket. Only perverts spend that much time on their knees.

Hopefully those will help you out in your efforts to “get thee from behind me”, kids. Now quit listening to our show and go outside. Your parents would kill us if they knew you were here. Well, probably not. I mean, they take you to church, so they obviously hate you.

Yeah…

Anyway, we played some great music in this episode, featuring these angelic bands:

• Frenzel Rhomb – I Went Out With a Hippy & Now I Love Everyone Except For Her

And I reviewed Apollo 13, which I loved, as will you. It got us to talking about space exploration in general, and that always puts me in a better mood. We have so little time left, people. Time to get serious about Science and start exploring and colonizing. We are one lonely miserable anthill floating all alone in the “highly unfashionable western spiral arm” of Nowheresville. Momma Earth is a good egg, but we will need to hatch one day soon, and the more we understand about off-terrestrial living, the more equipped we will be to handle the sudden poach.

See you on Sunday in the Ustream! Happy Easter!

Tags: altamonte, apollo 13, bean, carb, catholic, cheese, comedy, dysfunction, easter, ED, erectile, explore, express, faggy, fart, frenzel, independant, independent, internet, music, muslims, nasa, orlando, otolaryngologist, pearl, pizza, Podcast, podiatrist, pope, problems, proctologist, radio, rhomb, richard, satan, somacow, sound, space, specialty, springs, super, talk, toe, toenail, touch, ustream, wormwood

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this week by The Sports Buzz. Check out Ryan and Todd’s recent interview with ESPN’s Buster Olney on SportsBuzzRadio.com!

In this hour, we talk about a subject unheard of here on SomaCow – Meat! Specifically, the eating of copious quantities of beefs, at a very mafia-swank establishment tucked away off Howard and Armenia in Tampa, Fl. I highly recommend it for anyone looking for a very upscale steakhouse experience. Strangely, even with the 75 dollar plates, the ever present guy wearing flipflops and a hat was still present at this joint. Dress code violators notwithstanding, I highly recommend Bern’s for the eating of beefs. It even made me fall in love with my Mother-in-Law.

Hey! We are giving away a free iTouch media player here on SomaCow Media! It’s a nigh on $300.00 piece of technology neatiness, and you can win it simply by answering some questions. Little listening, and you are in the running. What could be simpler? Besides a woman?

We also discussed the service industry in general, and some experiences we have had recently, and we delved into the top ten things restaurants would really rather you did not notice. Maybe it would be better to just eat in tonight, yeah? It’s some good eatvice, which is just the sort of thing you can rely on SomaCow to provide you, our value-added listeners.

Don’t forget to come down and join us this Sunday, March 2nd, as we invade Texas de Brazil to hang out and consume a ridiculous amount of well seared animal. The menu from this place blows my mind, and I am really hoping it lives up to the hype. International Drive, Sunday night – see you there!

We comped the following great songs on your check for the evening:

• Straight Outta Junior High – The University of Shit Face
• The Dollyrots – Out of LA

Tags: beef, bern's, brazil, buster, buzz, clinton, comedy, de, debate, dollyrots, eat beef, eat meat, espn, free, guys, high, independent, indepependant, indie, indy, international drive, internet, ipod, junior, mafia, meat, music, obama, olney, orlando, outta, Podcast, radio, restaurants, sports, straight, talk, texas, touch