In this episode we discussed how much we all love the Brady Bunch.  It was a heart warming show that provided hope for the many people that suffered from shattered lives due to deaths of moms, dads, husbands or wives.

But that really isn’t important right now.

On Twitter, I engaged in a conversation about how to fix our economy.  After rattling off a few ideas, we boiled it down to hot chicks.  Hot chicks are the key, the solution, the drips and drops we need to fix our country’s shattered economic Brady Bunch.  Inspired by the cleavage of Miss Jenny Love Hewitt, we feel that a chorus of hot chicks (with well exposed cleavage) should sing a song in the style of USA for Africa, begging the world for money.  It was also suggested that the clan of cleavage be sent to the United Nations and have them politely ask, while leaning exposingly forward, for the rest of the world to send charitable contributions to our economy.

Face it, if you are a guy and you see cleavage, you stare.  If you are a lady and you have cleavage, you enjoy the attention.  I have never met a woman that honestly said the sentence, “I didn’t realize my shirt was that low cut”.  You knew.  You planned it.  You designed it like that.  You drank all night for free.

If cleavage wasn’t such a big deal, the wonder bra industry would be dead.

I am not bitching here.  Not by a long shot.  I am a big fan of cleavage.  If I could put cleavage on a bun, I would have it for lunch every day.  Atkins diet be damned!

Here’s a secret:  Women have the tools needed to rule the world.  But like Luke when he first gets his light sabre, women do not know how to weild it correctly.  In one of my life coaching classes that is offered at the Mickey’s Life Coaching Academy, we cover this subject.  Some students may require excessive tutoring, but it is so worth it.

One day people will listen, the chicks will be recruited, the money will be raised, and the economy will be saved.  And when all is said and done, we have Jennifer Love Hewitt to thank for it all.

Oh, complete side notes:
1) It is DOWN Periscope.  (Not UP)
2) It was Jesse Jackson that called New York a “Hymietown” (Not Al Sharpton)
3) Twitter is a useful tool for promotion
4) Avast! is a great, FREE, antivirus program.

Some links to interesting things that are sort of on topic:

• Jennifer Love Hewitt is still single, and still not hot! (music-juice.com)
• PETA Sends Dieting ‘Brady Bunch’ Star Vegetarian Starter Kit (ecorazzi.com)
• Growing Up Brady (mollygood.com)
• Howard Stern Questions Marsha Brady About Her History of Anal Sex [FNFF] (gawker.com)

So, in this hour, we decided to put right a great wrong, namely, underappreciation of our Producer, Ross. The guy goes through so much to get our show out each week… And we don’t even offer him health insurance! Thrill in this hour as we discuss the horrific child abuse he suffered, resulting in this.

Ross is still recovering from his mishap, and so we dedicated a whole episode to his news stories. And don’t think we just skirt a bunch of headlines… This is extensive, deep thrusting journalism. A whole hour of all the news THEY don’t want you to know!

I spent a little time just now, watching CNN, Fox, etc. I am amazed that these channels still exist. Poorly pronounced non-facts being flubbed by overly teethy smilamatrons, lying through their eyes as they glaze over truth and push policy as press. Nasty. Not so here at SomaCow, where we mutter the truth between mouthfuls of whatever food some kind listener has so graciously graced us with.

So we chatted about Chinese Men that smoke, and Waffle Houses, and Waffles in General, and the supreme Waffle.

It was pretty sweet, all around.

If I could turn aside from the jocularity and goofiness we normally get up to, I have a real question for you, the listener. Please be honest.
Why…

Does Burger King…

Make such an awful stomach pain?

You don’t believe me? Go eat some tater tots, and get back to me. IF YOU CAN.

Geoff doesn’t feel like writing the blog tonight and I don’t blame him. After all, after about 30 minutes of him being at work he got a frantic call from me, his lovely wife, that I had a family emergency. He got someone to drive him home (one-car family) and then proceeded to drive my rambling crazy ass to Clearwater.

He held my hand, sang They Might Be Giants and Bob Marley with me, and, best of all, he drove!

Then he sat with me and about 80 clergy friends of my family (they aren’t really that churchy but I guess pastors have nothing to do on a Tuesday morning but visit a hospital waiting room) and helped, got answers, got snacks, got drinks, kept us laughing….

So it was a long day for us all and we are going to get some rest so I can go back to visit family again tomorrow. Thank you all for keeping us in your thoughts, as of now everything looks good and I’m sure we’ll share more Live this Friday! See you then!

Geoff had such a crush on her. I did love YCDTOT. You know what else I loved? Electric Company and it’s coming back later this month! Yep, PBS is having a new Electric Company. I wonder if they’ll have a new bloodhound gang. I am not sure why, but sometimes those mysteries scared me…oh wait, that was 3-2-1 Contact. Oh well, I love The Electric Company, too.

Where in the hell did that all come from? Oh yeah, because Geoff loved Moose.

So also in this hour, the guys talked more about family, cutting back on smoking, and scuba diving. Wow, my notes look like Ross’s this week. So you’ll have to just listen to the episode to see what in the hell I was talking about! I’m going to go watch some Hoose

And by the way… does anyone know any single hot chicks?

Links and regalia:

• 1970s Timewarp: Morgan Freeman and Rita Moreno on The Electric Company
• They’re Doing WHAT To The Electric Company?
• Scuba Diving Kitty Explained by HowStuffWorks

In this hour, we discussed my rapid disenfranchisement with the Chope Express (Curse You, Obama!), we celebrated IamZ’s birthday (He is from Thailand, Mickey. Stop being a cliche!), and the Endeavor Launch.

I hereby dedicate this episode to the fine men, women, dogs, tomato seeds, and monkeys that make up our Space Program. Being one of the good things we do with Government, May your funding be reinstated tenfold, and may you continue to challenge the infinite with your courage and tenacity.

We also chatted a bit about brothers, since mine called in a few times – Cannot thank that man enough for the PAP machine. While it curtails my wife’s advances on me somewhat, it lets me sleep, and that is a good thing, for myself, my career, the listeners, and even random people on the street. I was rapidly becoming one of those idiots that gets out of their car to tap on other people’s windows to discuss the proper way to make a dual left (USE THE CHICKEN SCRATCHES, PEOPLE!!!)

Mickey’s sister made Mickey do the Pee Pee dance. J’s brother dates Hot Ukrainian? Poon. Siblings rule.

Overall, I think our first real Friday went well. Show starts at 7pm, if you ever want to watch live, just swing by the Ustream and join in. Thanks again to Gary of Just Push Playor for vacating to Monday nights at 8pm, where he will remain eardelicious for all your counter, sub, and uber culture needs.

Note from Mickey:

I am truely honored to live in a country that has sent men to touch the sky.  There are times that I feel that Geoff and I were born in the wrong decade.  I think the two of us should have been in a class room sitting next to Dennis the Menace and J, watching gigantic rockets being launched heavenward.  I envy those that not only reach for the stars, but are given the opportunity to dance among them (YES, Mr. Literalpants, I know the stars are way way far off, I was being poetic).

The men and women responsible for theorizing, engineering, building, flying, and caring for the machines that break away from Earth are to be admired, and given our awe.  In thier efforts they provide pride in humanity, pride in America, and pride in intelligence.

As a side note, the production staff has sent out letters to a few people to see if any of the parties would be interested in Kwadal Television.  It will unhinge the need for any other channel.

Referential links, because … if you are a reader, you need something to read…

• On Heels of Campaign Promises, Obama Faces Big NASA Decisions
• If You Believe, We’ll Put A Man On The Moon…
• Future of the U.S. Space Program in Obama’s Hands
• Endeavour heading for space station rendezvous
• Endeavour heading for space station
• Obama on Space
• Shuttle approaches space station

In this hour, we discussed charity, kung fu, and the Chinee Zodiac. Listen, enjoy, and I will have some information on how you can help SomaCow make a whizbang holiday for some lucky family.

In the meantime, I would like to provide you with your horoscope, Neat-Chi Long Style!

There are 4 elements in Chinee Zodiac -

Sizzly – People born under this sign are universally hot to trot, and frequently suffer from fever blisters, itchy bits, and multiple offspring. Their rhetoric is fiery, but quickly runs out of substance and must be added to keep the action going. Ross is very sizzly.

Dippy – Folks governed by this sign are remarkably tasty, creamy, and smooth. They have rich, buttery voices, deep, darkened, honeyed features, and are essentially just waiting to accept what you have to say, provided they can cover it with their own ideas and somewhat sickly-sweet take. J is so Dippy, it’s whack.

Choppy – These people are just plain to the QUICK, yo. Without regard for life or limb, they attack the problem head on, or rather, sidelong, as they wick away layer after layer in a clatter of metal and spark and sinew. Sure, some people get hurt, and yeah, not every bit that lies now asunder was necessarily ready to be cooked. But the F^%$ing thing is CHOPPED. Mickey is known to wield a knife or three, when TCTHID lets him.

Skewery – These people are perfect in every way. Plump, succulent, ready for consumption. All they require, sadly, is a means of deployment. A spine, if you will. They must have the assistance of a strong sliver of wood to uphold their edicts, scribe their thoughts, and carry them to bed for scratchies at night. I have no idea who resides under this element. Maybe Jen knows.

I will be back with a blog for the 12 signs, as soon as we have 12 listeners. HA!

Hey – Check out Greg Rollet’s page – Dude has some real sense, especially when it comes to New Media and getting your band noticed in an ever wider talent stream!

Also, feel free to comment here with your Kung Fu must sees – I will be collecting the top 10 as listed by you, so, get to, Yu.

If you are only going to do one good thing in your life, let us make a strong pleas that that one thing be helping out a worthy cause like Rock For Hunger.

Other links to other stuff

• FretKillr playing acoustic guitar
• Kung Fu King Smashes Coconut With Finger, Retires (VIDEO)
• Kung Fu Panda on DVD Tomorrow
• Measuring the Increase In The Homeless Population
• PCH, Post-Apocalyptic Cult Leader Ride Edition: Rolls-Royce or Bentley? [Project Car Hell]

So, in this hour, we recapped a bit of the election (we promise not to bore – lord knows there was enough coverage, discussion, and politicking already). We’re happy to be done with it, and moving on to our favorite topics, food, the bathroom, and chicks.

I would like to take one moment to laugh at women. HA!

You guys are just… well… girls. And dumb. And sad. Consider for a moment -
You got the right to vote LONG before black folks did.

You represent 50+ percent of the population, whereas blacks float in the low teen percents.

You have poon, and all the power it entails. You can enchant, ensnare, and entrap men simply by doing… well… by simply lying (laying?  Lie’in, lion) there.

I think the first women President is going to be an accidental president, and you guy (gals) even missed the boat on that one.  This was your last best chance to have a chick slide into the Oval Office, AND NOT BE ON HER KNEES.

Janet vs Janet

Janet vs Janet

You dames could have gone the Hillary route, but Hillary is more Janet Reno than Janet… … … uhm.  Are there any attractive Janets?  Well… yes … of course Janet Jackson, but I thought that would have been utterly confusing with Ms. Jackson being related to an half white pop star.

You now how four years to come to terms with the fact that you chicks hit your buzzer a little too soon, and then let the timer run out, and you have to accept the snarky belittling look from Mr. Trebeck.

I want you to sit there and think about what you did wrong.  Maybe next time you will stop being so catty, and be happy that another person without a swinging meat tube is succeeding in the world.  Maybe next time you will not withhold your vote because SHE has on the wrong shoes.  Maybe next time you will feel a bit of solidarity with HER despite her hair being in her eyes and annoying you.  Maybe the next time the guys allow a skirt to play in the big leagues, you will grab the opportunity and stop being so bitchy to your fellow woman.

Stuff to click on while you listen to the show:

• Janet Jackson’s Ticket Sales…Weren’t That Bad?
• Janet Jackson’s Boob Ruled Not Indecent
• Sarah Who?
• Hitch on Palin
• Obama And The Press
• Flat Screen TVs, Waterbeds … for Cows?
• The Long Republican War on Voting Rights

A little back story.  A few months ago, my best friend was in the hospital.  He wasn’t sick.  He was (physically) doing fine.  He was there for the birth of my goddaughter.  Actually he was at the birthing center, and then ended up at the hospital.  His wife, one of my best friends, was on death’s door.  There were complications, but like a trooper, she pulled through.

On that day, we were confronted by the universal flow of karmic spirituality of the nature of man… or whatever the hell kind of mumbo jumbo in which you have a belief.  A voice inside me said, “Mickey, the universe is like a fat girl in a rocking chair.  She goes back and forth and creeks a lot… with her chubby cleavage hanging out everywhere, but she always ends up right side up.”  I said, “You know voice, that makes absolutely no fucking sense what-so-ever, and Chubby-girls-in-rocking chairs is a blatant ripoff of fat-girls-in-party-hats (dot com).”

But, it made me think.  Every action has an opposite and equal reaction.  On that day, we were assaulted by the media.  They were blasting away telling us that gas would rise in price.  The gas did rise in price, but the major cause was the pure speculation that gas would go up in price.  We (J and I, joined by The Chick That I Am Dating) decided to fight back.

We pronounced and announced on that day that we would start a rumor.  A rumor to help drive gas prices down.  A rumor that called out to the world saying, “I heard a rumor that gas would be one dollar a gallon by March of 2009″.

People around the globe joined the battle.  Ross, took up the cause and spread the rumor around the airwaves.  Reports from all over, Chinamen, Singaporians, People of Canadia, West Uzbekistanians, and even Iranistanians were yelling from rooftops that they heard a rumor that gas would be one dollar per gallon by March of 2009.

For the first time in eons, the People of Earth were United.  Most of the people.  There were some that did not like our agenda.  Some claimed that for this to happen, the global economy would have to crash.

I said, “So Be It!”

Some claimed that wars would be waged, I said, “Bring it on!”

Some said, “OPEC is gone done fuck you up.”

I say, “Let them come!”

And they did.  OPEC (although we have no proof what-so-ever) sabatoged our beloved Hopper.  They cut power to the studio (again, no proof, only assumtion and conjecture).  And still we scream, “‘We will not go quietly into the night!’ We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”

So I dedicate this (really poorly done) episode, to you… the people that took up a hopeless cause and brought forth on this continent, a new, lower gas price.  Get Jiggy with it.  Na na na nuh na na.

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Normally,  this space is used to describe what went on during the show to which you are about to listen.  Let me give you a brief rundown, we discuss sickness, the coming apocalypse, J’s meat, J’s meat in Geoff’s mouth, plans for economic recovery, mortgage strategies, Dr. Phil, the future history, and the next President.

Dr. Phil is a douche.

Image via Wikipedia

We also discuss the need of a whittler in every post-apocalyptic clan.

With that being said, I want to remind everyone to abstain from voting.  Leonardo DiCarprio told me that I shouldn’t vote.  He makes a good point.  At this point in time, every opion, every choice, seems to be a turn for the worst.

I will be running for an elected office soon, and when I do, I can promise that I will not fuck things up worse than they already are.  I will provide the people with CHOPE.  I believe the Beatles once said, “All you need is Chope, Chope… Chope is all you need.”  I have tonnes of CHOPE (and since I wrote it like a British person, or Madonna, that makes me look smarter and more qualified).  I have so much CHOPE, that I leave CHOAP residue in the shower.  I have enough to CHOPE to give each taxpayer enough CHOPE to hang themselves.  I am so full of CHOPE that Catholics call me CHOPE Benedict XVI.  I will make sure each school is equipped with a teleCHOPE and a microCHOPE to ensure that “Childrens do lurn”.  I will have the government buy each doctor a stethaCHOPE when they graduate medical school, in hopes of lowering medical bills.  I promise that only legal immigrants will be invovled in trimming my CHOPE’iary.

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

When the time comes, if you are able, I CHOPE you will vote for me.  I only CHOPE it isn’t to late to save this great country, this land of ours, this shining city on the hill.  Maybe with a little CHOPE and water we can clean the stains off of our reputation.  Some will say that I am leading this country down a slippery CHOPE, but I say it is a slippery CHOPE of goodness and smiles and tickly giggly happy feelings.

I am Mickey, and I approve this message.

Paid for by the Vote for CHOPE campaign.

Random Links That You Might Find Entertaining

• Pope Awesomely Rips Capitalism
• Madonna Upsets Catholics by Dedicating a Song to Pope
• Beijing Olympic Gardens Topiary
• Topiary tribute Beatle beheaded
• Pube Grooming Kit Makes Your Muff Best In Show [Pubic Topiary]
• I’m a Star-gazing Good-for-nothing, and I’m Here to Help:
• Madonna’s Crotch Still Taking Center Stage
• Holding a Mock Election
• Dr. Phil Strikes Again

Neighbors done looking at you yet? Good.

In this, our… um… Hour, we discussed a myriad of topics, both sophomoric and profound. We ran the gambit of gabbery on a gadabout glorious… We attacked the tough issues facing Amer….

Okay, it was straight fart talk for twenty minutes. But that is to be expected at this point. We all had a lotta ribs and beefs, and that makes for this type of discussion. Surely you can understand. We bravely attempted to pull the show out of its nosedive of frappery with a topic on steakhouses – specifically, is the steakhouse dying? Why are all the chains dropping in quality or shutting their doors? Look at the facts:

Outback – Sucked. No two bones about it, whatever they are doing today (dry bread, yellow salads, tough beefs, dumb staff) is a pale shell of what they once had going on

Longhorn – Salted beefs? My mamma always said, if you gotta put that much seasoning on, you are trying to hide something. What is the secret to your salty beefs, oh Horn of Assumed Length?

Image via Wikipedia

Roadhouse – Closed, assumed Orlando bankrupt. I will miss your yeasty bounty, and bloody medium rare beefs most of all, scarecrow

Steak and Ale – Someone finally put the fork in this cheesy seventies franchise. Gasp! Where will rude dumb teenagers hold their post-graduation dinners now?!

It doesn’t leave us with much, does it folks?

Houstons? Overpriced at best – Seriously – who is paying 12 dollars for a baked potato? It’s a TUBER, for Christ’s sake!

Fleming’s – I’ve never been, how is it?

Image via Wikipedia

Ruth’s Chris – a fascinating establishment, capable of delivering a steak that tastes like it sat in a bowl of Redenbacher’s finest overnight. By which I mean to say, your butter has beef flavor on it.

Ted’s – I would pay a hundred dollars to eat at Ted’s, to try a Ted on the

side, and wash it down with a Ted.

We, sadly, went all D and D at the end. Mickey tried to save us with some good Life Coaching at the :42, but the damage was done, and we never really recovered.

We sat for three hours waiting for our salads, listening to the following great music:

• Mad Caddies – Villians

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In this hour, Mickey, J and I eschew our standard fare and discuss some financial news YOU need to hear, Icees vs. Slurpees, and Gilligan’s Island. Random, aren’t we? Shut up and tune in, it’ll all make sense when it’s over.

First off, we talked about the giant, coughing, cancerous elephant laying in the middle of the room (not me), and what, if anything, could be done to resuscitate it. The scariest thing about an economy is that it DOES correct itself, and we have been enjoying several decades of uninterrupted “yay”. As the rollercoaster now seems to have plateaued off, what will the upcoming plummet feel like? If you have any sense, you are making hay right now for the dark times ahead.

But it is easy for me to sit back and demand credit conscientiousness from you guys. It is easy for Mickey to state that you should “not buy what you cannot afford”. It is easy for J to snarf down a dozen gull shrimp. What isn’t going to be easy is extricating ourselves from this massive $700,000,000,000 debt. I am putting my daughter into trade school now, cause she is going to have to start making some serious payments now if we are ever gonna touch that principle.

Speaking of touching Principals, nobody seems to have raped a kid this week! Hurray! What? Oh.

nevermind.

SomaCow’s PSA of the week involves Slurpee Science, and how you can make a great frosty sugary beverage out of a bad situation. Between the falling standards at the modern 7-11, and the difficulty to even find a Kmart that does not have 11 hoboes and a tire fire in it, it is getting pretty damn dicey out there in the slushie territories.

We finished the hour, sadly, discussing Gilligan’s Island, a.k.a the worst show on television, a.k.a. the sigil of all that is wrong with America, a.k.a. Brain Poison. Why is this show STILL being run? Who watches this crap? The Professor is a sexless automaton, tolerated only for his coconut technology, the Skipper is an abusive alcoholic, Ginger and Maryann are doing a double team on the back end a la Requiem for a Dream, the fat rich white people hold everyone at bay for fear of being touched by their jowls… This was the show that let me know it was time to go take a crap. I still poop at 5pm every day, thanks to mass syndication.

We would never poop during the following great band’s efforts:

• NOFX – Leaving Jesusland

For some reason, politics and religion are dangerous discussion peices.  Raising children is another.  These topics tend to cut to the very core of a person’s ego.  Calling into question something someone believes causes synaptic overload.

The hard part about discussing these topics is the attitude by anyone listening or participating.  I’m a very gray area kind of person.  For most folks, there is a lot of black and white.  “This is a Republican, and anyone who is a Republican believes this.”  “Democrats do this and anyone who is a Democrat does this.”

The way the political machine is operating today is leading us, as a nation, as a world, as a species, to the brink of complete and total failure.

There is no listening, no compromise, no wiggle room.

I am, by most accounts, a Republican.  Not a George W. Bush fascist regime style Republican.  I am a Teddy Roosevelt, Barry Goldwater, Abraham Lincoln Republican.  Ok, I’m not gay, so maybe not a Lincoln Republican.

Normally when I discuss politics, I am cut short by anyone who is part of the discussion.  They only hear the first part of anything being said.  They do not wish to hear anything further because they have already been mentally condition to think they know what the rest of the statement is.

“I don’t believe the Federal Government should give money to the poor… ”
“Oh yeah well they give it to the rich to bail out companies and RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE BLAR BLAR BLAR.”

“I don’t feel that the Federal Government should take responsibility for bankrupt industries…”
“That’s stupid because RUMBLE ROBBLE ROBBLE GLAB GLEEB GLOOB.”

Democrats look at anyone with an R on thier shirt and instinctivly disagree because they see the Republicans as Fundamentally flawed.  Republicans will not even allow a Democrat to begin to speak because they see something wrong with the very foundation of the Democratic party.

It is all rhetoric.  All the articles written by left wing, right wing, fascist, neoconservative, hippy style magazines, all the claptrap spewing forth from the Liberal and Conservative talk shows, all the speeches, all the pomp all the circumstance… it is all bullshit.

Try watching any Political show that has opposing sides.  It breaks down into a cackling roost of hens.  Might as well just watch The View.  Watch a one sided show, and you get O’Riley regurgitating whatever fried over lied he has been fed or you get Obberman re-regurgitating what O’Riley said and picking out the nuggets.  You could watch Bill Maher and lose IQ points as he mugs to an invisible friend on the other side of the stage.  Listen to Rush and hear smarm ooze out of every drug addicted fat cell.

We are eternally stuck in an Us vs. Them bear trap that is leading this nation into the anus… err… annals of history to sit along other failed empires.  We are locked in a never ending tug of war.  The flag may scoot to one side or another for brief periods of time, but no one knows when to say when.

When my marriage was failing, we attempted counseling.  One of the only worthwhile things the “the rapist” said was along the same lines as the tug of war metaphor.  He described a box in the middle of the floor.  For the purpose of this article, the box is our nation, The United States of America. He said my wife, in this case, the Democrats, was on the left side of the box.  I (the Republicans) were on the right side of the box.  We were pulling as hard as we could, but never getting anywhere.  He said that we could still pull in our own direction, but also pull forward.  There would be some give and take, but the box would move forward.

We are not moving anywhere.  The nation is freezedried into “My idea is right, his idea is wrong”.  Here’s a secret Columbo… You are both fucking wrong.

Guy one has education plan a, guy two has education plan b.  Do you want to know something?  Both education plans are going to lead down the path to poor (financially and performance wise) teacher, dumb students, and new breed of politicians rolling out the same damn plan during the next election cycle.

Stagnate.  You pull left, I pull right.  We can sit here all day.

No one is willing to admit that the other side has a few good points.  No one is going to say, “Well, overall, our education plan is shit, but I think this and this and this would work, if we just got rid of a bunch of crap.”

Regardless of all that, I was asked what my political beliefs are, so I decided to write this on our site.

===============
I believe that success and hard work should be rewarded.  I think the tax bracket idea is stupid.  If someone works enough overtime, or gets a good raise, he should not have less take home pay.  Why punish those that wish to achieve?

I think the government should stay out of my home.  Don’t tell me who to marry or who not to marry.  Don’t tell me with whom I can and cannot talk.  If you are interested in my sex life… listen to my show, not my phone calls.

I think military or civil service should have perks.  Requiring such things will lead to animosity.  However, I think the kids should serve two years and get a card.  Put a happy face smilie sticker on their driver’s license.  It would be worth points in life.  Let’s say a black, a white and a kid with a sticker are all applying for a job.  They are all equally qualified.  The kid with the sticker gets one bonus point and he wins.  WOOT!

I think charity should be left to the community.  I will paraphrase an old quote:  If you have and others do not, it is better to give of it freely, before they take it from you.  Some would argue that there are too many greedy people.  These are also the same people that are not satisfied with Bill Gates giving $126 million to charity just wasn’t enough.  Allowing a philanthropist to give freely will bring forth more generosity instead of animosity.  The greedy who will not donate are the same people that are going to find every loophole in the tax code, so they will not be paying anyway.

I believe in a strong military with high standards.  In recent years, the standards have gone to the wayside.  It is harder to fill the empty slots because there is no real reward for being a member of the military.  The TV ads are flashy and loud, but lack substance.  When I joined, I was sold a bill of goods that included large sums of money.  In the end, I discovered they were mostly flat out lies.

I believe that stupid kids and smart kids should be separated.  A child’s brain is a sponge.  If a child is keeping pace with a teacher throwing out information, why slow her down to wait for BillyBob Dumfux?

I believe federal taxes should pay the military, pave the roads, pay for some cops, and take care of a few odds and ends.  Anything beyond that is bloat.

I believe that if there is a session in congress or the senate, everyone should be there.

I believe that campaigning should be done off the job.

I believe that it is not difficult to be a decent human being.  Just stop being so self centered every now and then.

I believe the president is nothing more than an icon to identify the age.  When they mention Teddy, I think of America putting on its big boy pants and going to work.  When they mention FDR, I think of the time when America became big brother and started talking down to its people.  When I think of LBJ, I picture America as a rebellious teen.  When I think of George W. Bush, I think of America as the guy who just got out of a divorce, went out drinking, and just got riled up and pissed off.  Running around pissing on the neighbor’s lawn, honking the horn on his Chevette, blaring White Snake out of the stereo at 3am.

I believe that anyone who runs for President, is clearly, automatically, and unquestionably unqualified for the job.

====

With that being said, I think the entire political system is flawed.  It is a bloated fat kid trying to walk up the stairs carrying a overfull bowl of chocolate serial.  It may have a specific goal in mind, and a half baked plan, but that rolly rolly little fucker isn’t getting anywhere with out an asthma attack and spilling choco nibblets and milk everywhere.

So, with this embedded deep in your brain, come November I want you to go out and vote.  Vote Early, Vote Often.  And if you have a dead grandma, cast a vote for her as well.  It will count.  Unless you live in Florida.

Mickey

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In this hour, I whine a bunch about my mom, and my parenting, and Mickey and TCTHID went on a 200 mile drive. It was AWESOME!

Note: If this episode plays strangely in your mp3 listening device, simply squirt some breast milk into the unit and it should clear it right up.

Baby needs the computer… I’ll be back.

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Listen to me, folks, and listen good. We talked about a range of subjects in this hour, including Mickey’s birthday, turkey legs and sundry street food, and the need for Mike Myers and Adam West to do something useful with their autumnal years, but none of that matters.

What matters is that you understand Joe Piscopo is crap. If you already know this to be true, skip along with your bad self, and enjoy this episode. The rest of you, hold still for a moment.

Born Joseph Charles John (already, what the fuck?? What kind of insane parent names their fucking kid Joe Chuck John? RABID WEASEL PARENTS, that is who. And Joe Piscapoe is their perfect weasel child. Bready of eye, rank of fur, he wriggles and slashes his way from project to project, spreading mediocrity and gayish gauntness to the small screen like some kind of Rotten Johnny Weaselseed. But there is no fooling us here at SomaCow, JoeChuck. We know you for what you are – talentless also-ran base faced eater of broken meats)!

In all sincerity, we wish Mickey a Happy Birthday and discuss the finer points of SNL cast members, least of which is certainly Joe Pisscapough, who not only lied about the evidence that lead this great nation into armed conflict against Iraq, but also was probably responsible for the 400 years of oppression forced upon black men and women long ago.

That was probably offsides, and it really isn’t my intention to list off the terrible crimes against humanity that Joe Pizzapoke has wrought. But, as long as there is white on my screen and honor in my heart, the truth will out! Nefarious bastard!

Anyway, we played the following great bands, none of which do hackneyed impressions of Frank Sinatra ad nauseum. Unless we played Richard Cheese, but I think he does a lovely Frank. Ad Nauseum.

• The Presidents of the United States of America – Mixed up S.O.B.
• The Frauds – Days Go By

In this hour Geoff finishes his story of our birth. There also is some regular SomaCow talk after that, but we haven’t had much consecutive sleep, so it’s something interesting, funny, entertaining, and informative, I promise!

Oh yeah, this is Jen. I am at home. I can nap here and there, so I thought I’d jump in and help out a bit by putting this blog together for Geoff. You can also check out this week’s Say… Anything for my version and memories of the birth story.

And seriously, soon, we are going to write this birth story out together!

Thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers, well wishes, and general friendship. We couldn’t have done it all without you!

Jen and Geoff