Ross takes the notes and writes them down Doo-dah doo-dah
We can’t read them so we all frown doo-dah doo-dah
So then he started typing them Doo-dah Doo-dah
Then he emails them off to Jen, All the doo-dah day…

ustream blows
The Oscars
Bruno got Dissed
This Show Was Made with Coconuts
Globetrotters = Death
How do you Become a Washington Senator. General.
Newsbomb
Lot Lizards
Legalize It?
Askin’ for It?
Internet Creeps
Way too much about J’s Penis

In this hour, we talk about candy.
A whole freaking lot.

I am sort of embarrassed how much we talked about candy.

See you on Friday in the Ustream!

SomaCow comes outta Florida, it’ll make you think and feel.
But no one seems to understand this show: so once again, here’s the deal.
See Geoff was a stout boy, known for gnawin’ on vittles like they wasn’t hot.
And Mickey was a nuke tech on a boat playing with rads and nads and what nott:
I bet you didn’t know it, but J is on this show too.
He may be old but he’s pure gold when it comes to comedy brew
“Now you may like some shows you’ve heard, but you ain’t Heard what we can do:
I ain’t trying to be bold, but you’ll get sold, when this episode is through.

Yes, it’s the country hour, where we sassafrass in the hoosegow with a ginnysack a ‘taters on the hootnanny how there well then there that… Holy crap. I don’t even know what that is. In this episode, we discuss country music, and baby lullabyes.

I really hope you guys get the opportunity to check out rockabye baby music. I am working up quite a collection, my favorites being the Nirvana, Green Day, Beach Boys, and Pixies albums. They are all pretty great, though some of the NIN songs just…. well, it’s hard to take a song like “Hurt” and make it happy go lucky, yeah?

Anyway, it’s a good episode, loaded with rhetoric and cheekiness, and it really was one of our finer hours. We miss Ross, and look forward to seeing him back with us again this Friday, live in the Ustream, as always.

Until then, getcher self a li’l chicken; fried.

In this hour, we chat up some Really Big Oblong Pigskin Bets that Ross may or may not be partaking, Kids Shows, Chili Beans, and a Very Special Topic.
The other stuff is pure hilarity, well, except for the Chili topic (seriously, people, it has beans), but I want to dedicate this episode to the Sufferers of Our Special Topic. Our hearts, if not our hands, go out to you, RSilva, and your ilk.

http://www.poopreport.com/Doctor/Knowledgebase/leaky.html?from=90&comments_per_page=90

Yeah, wash your hands when you get  done reading that. And your eyes. And your brain. Well done.

I actually think I leaked that story before. Did I? Let me know!

See you guys in the ustream tonight, y’all. Bring some bet ideas for Ross, would you please.

When reviewing the notes from this episode, I was greeted with the following notes: “Mickey wants to bang Oprah, Geoff’s sack and the shaving thereof, Jen calls…again…”

Wow, I don’t know that there is that much more I can say about those that listening yourself won’t take care of!

There are a few things I feel I must tell you, though. First, we are taking nominations for Listener of the Year-2008. You can nominate someone (or yourself) here on our forums!

Also, Geoff reviewed a fantastic book that he recommends to all-no matter what your beliefs. Even though it was written a few years ago and he’s read it a few times, it still gets him riled up over what is going on out there.

And to update you on the SomaCow Media doings of 2009…

SomaCow is still going strong on Friday nights (live) for 3 hours (7-10 Eastern)! Join us!

Saturdays now showcase Prime Time Geek (PTG) live from 8-10 Eastern. Their first show with SCM was last week and Felix had a great reception. Join us again this week!

On Sundays, The Sports Buzz still continues to discuss the hot sports topics of the day. This week join Ryan and special guest Luke sitting in for Todd, from 6-8 Eastern.

Just Push Play continues to entertain with Brian (titsMagee), CR, and Nova on their new night of Mondays from 8-10 PM Eastern.

And expecting to start this week, Wednesday?, is the return of ComaSow with Geoff and Jen! We’ll be reviewing new bands sent in to us as well as show you all a little glimpse into our crazy life. Check out the site for details on time!

Thank you all for an unbelievable 2008! We are looking forward to an even better 2009.

Jen

We spent quite a bit of this hour discussing the deliciousness of Bacon. I am okay with that. It needed to be done.

What I was not expecting was the massive outpouring of Bacon feedback. Our inboxes are overflowing with all things chewy, salty, savory, and grease-soaked. J is reportedly ecstatic. Mickey may smile.

Allow me to take this opportunity to share the sheer Baconicity of our Listeners, with links aplenty for you to snarf down. Happy artery hardening!

http://bacontoday.com – This handy li’l gem comes from MalibuPJ, consisting of a full blown daily digest of all things Bbacony. It’s chock-filled with recipes, true stories of Bacon-Justice, and plenty of meaty articles. She points out the TurBaconducken, which is a mouthful in all senses of the word. Yes. Turkey, duck, chicken…. All lovingly wrapped and rendered in the sheerest, shimmering Porquoise.

http://bacontwits.com – The Greatest Tool for the Twittering Public, Ever. Glenn Webber clued us in to this. It’s a fast paced world in which we live today, and sometimes the more sizzly, important things in life get lost in the shuffle. With BaconTwits, missed BaconTweets are a thing of the past, as the site lovingly reproduces any and all messages containing the delicious five-letter term for happiness. Join in the conversation, as hundreds, nay thousands seek to do the impossible: Convey their love for Bacon in 140 characters or less.

For The Love Of Bacon – Noelle Carter, Los Angeles Times – Never to be outdone, BGDLE, ChrisP sends us a crispy portal that leads only to madness. Salivate with me, then, if you will, to the concepts of a Apple-Bacon Coffeecake. Too sweet? Then cleanse thy palate with a savory Bacontini. I am not making this stuff up people. This is REAL, this is Elementary dear, Elementary, Watson, Elementary, aaaarrgghh!

There ain’t nowhere to run. Bacon will have us all. So I say it is time. A few people have tried it, but we need to do what SomaCow does best (following great ideas through to their realization) and celebrate a full international Bacon Convention.

That’s right, people! BaCon, 2oo9! Let’s make it happen!

Imagine the possibilities!

We could have BacOffs, where competitors armed only with a pan and a gas flame struggle to achieve the perfect ratio of fatty to lean cooked Bacons.

Ba-confit (Frenchy!), where high-minded individuals seek to create Baconsserts (delicious Bacon-desserts, designed for wine pairing)!

BaCongress, where a council of elders works to answer the great Baconundrums of our generation: Is maple flavoring a good thing? Should people that like their Bacon burnt be ostracized, or is any lover of Bacon welcome at the table? Just what IS Fatback, and how can we get our hands on some of it?  Is Bacon from Canadia REALLY Bacon, or is it just ham?

Oh, the ideas are spattering in my brain-pan, baby. It almost hurts.

We, the three wise men (and Ross) strive each week to bring gold, BACONsense, and Mirth.  We’re doing it live tonight (Friday) at 7pm eastern.

I need a friggen drink. See y’all tonight, Live in the Ustream!

Bacon Related articles

• Turbaconducken
• Bacon Art
• Chicken, bacon & asparagus rolls
• Mr. Bacon Pant’s Ultimate Bacon Gift Guide
• Top 10 Bacon Gadgets
• The Bacon Flowchart
• Bacon – UnWrapped
• I Heart Bacon

Do you have any idea how hard it is to do things one handed? You might laugh and think, ‘Jen I only need one hand for that‘ and to that I say… sometimes you have to switch hands! Cramping!

One day Geoff asked me what advice I’d give moms-to-be, and while I pondered the answer to his question, while holding Rowan, keeping her from grabbing the knife on the table, while I cut my food with a fork, he interjected, ‘I’d say doing things one-handed’. Until that moment I hadn’t noticed all I had started doing, albeit slowly, with only one upper appendage. And I’d have to agree with him. Laundry, dishes, eating… all are done differently now. Multi-tasking at its finest.

And why am I even talking about this? Because I am typing this whole blog one-handed, duh.

But I digress (before my arm cramps up more) and back to hour 2 of SomaCow…

In this hour, the guys talked about their dream bedrooms, their love of music… and then realized that they were SomaCow, not the new Say… Anything. So they decided they all needed to talk about their manly things they did this week… and their not-so-manly things.

Speaking of a new Say… Anything, as you may know (and if you don’t I’m about to tell you), I co-hosted a show called Say… Anything. We had been going for about a year and a half and through some personnel changes, job changes, and just life changes, the show is down to me. As much as I’m sure everyone would just love an hour of me and Rowan (/sarcasm), it just isn’t the best idea. So Geoff and I are talking about doing a show together, reviewing the music that comes into the studio and previewing albums for you, The Heard. We’re flushing out the details (and the name… SynDown? ComaSow? Say… Anything?) and will keep you posted!

Mickey reminds us all at the :40 to put on our mask first, and good advice that is!

smooches until Friday (join us live at Ustream 7-10 PM Eastern)!

In this hour, we discussed my rapid disenfranchisement with the Chope Express (Curse You, Obama!), we celebrated IamZ’s birthday (He is from Thailand, Mickey. Stop being a cliche!), and the Endeavor Launch.

I hereby dedicate this episode to the fine men, women, dogs, tomato seeds, and monkeys that make up our Space Program. Being one of the good things we do with Government, May your funding be reinstated tenfold, and may you continue to challenge the infinite with your courage and tenacity.

We also chatted a bit about brothers, since mine called in a few times – Cannot thank that man enough for the PAP machine. While it curtails my wife’s advances on me somewhat, it lets me sleep, and that is a good thing, for myself, my career, the listeners, and even random people on the street. I was rapidly becoming one of those idiots that gets out of their car to tap on other people’s windows to discuss the proper way to make a dual left (USE THE CHICKEN SCRATCHES, PEOPLE!!!)

Mickey’s sister made Mickey do the Pee Pee dance. J’s brother dates Hot Ukrainian? Poon. Siblings rule.

Overall, I think our first real Friday went well. Show starts at 7pm, if you ever want to watch live, just swing by the Ustream and join in. Thanks again to Gary of Just Push Playor for vacating to Monday nights at 8pm, where he will remain eardelicious for all your counter, sub, and uber culture needs.

Note from Mickey:

I am truely honored to live in a country that has sent men to touch the sky.  There are times that I feel that Geoff and I were born in the wrong decade.  I think the two of us should have been in a class room sitting next to Dennis the Menace and J, watching gigantic rockets being launched heavenward.  I envy those that not only reach for the stars, but are given the opportunity to dance among them (YES, Mr. Literalpants, I know the stars are way way far off, I was being poetic).

The men and women responsible for theorizing, engineering, building, flying, and caring for the machines that break away from Earth are to be admired, and given our awe.  In thier efforts they provide pride in humanity, pride in America, and pride in intelligence.

As a side note, the production staff has sent out letters to a few people to see if any of the parties would be interested in Kwadal Television.  It will unhinge the need for any other channel.

Referential links, because … if you are a reader, you need something to read…

• On Heels of Campaign Promises, Obama Faces Big NASA Decisions
• If You Believe, We’ll Put A Man On The Moon…
• Future of the U.S. Space Program in Obama’s Hands
• Endeavour heading for space station rendezvous
• Endeavour heading for space station
• Obama on Space
• Shuttle approaches space station

Yeah, so Elross hosted this hour! He had his list together as he and Geoff switched places. He had his notes on what he wanted to talk about. His notes must have been like his notes he takes for the episodes! Nah, he did a fine job. It was a little rough for his first time but whose isn’t? I mean have you all tried podcasting? The first time is always the hardest. We are sure that he will improve with time and age. At least he got dressed up for the occasion!

So as I lay here writing the blog for the boys, I do have to admit that this week’s notes took the cake!

Uh huh. Thanks sweetie… I know, you were trying to help me out by getting Ross back but look at who that got turned around on. Oh well, it’s ok. I don’t mind. Keeps my creative juices flowing.

And hey you guys, remember that this week SomaCow is starting LIVE on their new night of Fridays from 7-10 PM Eastern. Won’t you join us at ustream?

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow brought to you by insert your show name here.

In this, their finest hour, the boys put out the call, talked about quitting smoking, and did some impersonations. Fine, indeed!

So SomaCow is ready to expand. No, not our bellies, but our catalog of shows! Right now we have, of course, SomaCow. We also have The Sports Buzz, Just Push Play (whenever they aren’t at a convention), and Say… Anything (when they aren’t getting new jobs, having babies, moving…). So while we have a nice little variety of shows, we want to get more. We all know you have stuff to say, you definitely let us know here, live on Saturdays in chat, on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, and email! So what kind of show would you do? Would it be just you? Advice? Music? Chat on your favorite hobby? Let us know, become part of our family.

After this call out, Ross decided he wants to do a show so be sure to tune in this week as the guys give him a chance at hosting!

Of course what would 3rd hour be without… you guessed it… Hulk Impersonations! Now was it The Incredible Hulk? Or the other incredible Hulk Hogan. Guess you’ll have to listen and see.

Geoff is trying to quit smoking. I am really so proud of him. I know that he is trying to be healthier for himself, me, and Rowan. I really know he was willing to try anything when he agreed to try out a laser clinic

While it might not have worked completely, I do have to say that that first day he was very pleasant! (even if he was sleeping away most of it). So what methods have you tried to quit smoking? What have worked? What have failed? We know very few people who have actually successfully quit. My dad is one of them. He just stopped one day. He didn’t tell anyone, he just stopped. He had smoked for 40 or so years and poof, gone. He is also the only honest one I have known who said he still wants one every day and he’s not smoked for over 10 years. I quit… I got pregnant though and while it was physically tough, the emotional side and elation of being pregnant made it pretty easy in comparison. I think I’d go back if it wasn’t for her and us nursing but I hope that I don’t go back when we stop… guess we’ll just have to get pregnant again!

Geoff’s Weekly Constitutional this week was on John Hodgman’s new book, More Information Than You Require… which you can get here! And while you are there, check out John’s site. Fascinating stuff. We love this man! And his books are great, from cover to back cover, to back cover inset to front cover inset to back of the actual hard cover of the book and all the pages in between.

Thank you all for being such great listeners, I know the guys appreciate it. Keep those comments and emails coming. We all love doing what we do and we love to hear how much you love what we do!

Stuff to pass the time until the next episode of SomaCow:

• The PC guy on love and space aliens
• Tila Tequila switches from Yahoo spawn to Mac guy [Celebritards]
• Barack Obama: New US President…Digitally !!
• What am I Missy?
• A Visit To The Marvel Comics Headquarters

So it’s Halloween! Happy Halloween! It’s Rowan’s first and we have a little pumpkin outfit and also a little hat and socks thanks to a great fan of the show :) Pictures will be coming!

So the guys talked about Halloween and parties and dressing up. What are your traditions? We finally love having a house in a neighborhood as we actually get to have kids come by! We sit in our driveway with our bug repellant on (or fireplace lit depending on weather) and have a drink (unless pregnant or nursing) or two and hand out the candy. Crap! That reminds me we need to get some pumpkins to carve!

Geoff is starting new traditions. Today has been filled with so many changes for him but you’ll have to join us Saturday live at ustream to find out what!

So enjoy the hour! And we’ll see you soon! Happy Halloween everyone!

Spooooooky links to stuff you might find interesting…

• The 2008 World Championship of Punkin Chunkin (in Millsboro, DE)
• How Halloween is celebrated around the world
• Spooky Halloween
• How To: Carve A Pumpkin Without Butchering Yourself [Halloween]
• HNT – Trick or Treat?

Yep, this hour (our finest), we had Orlando’s own Drew Garabo in the studios. Drew used to host talk shows on terrestrial radio here in Orlando and for many of us, was a staple every night from 7 to 11. Drew has now joined us in the uberranks of podcasting!

So this hour, we talked to Drew about the state of radio today. Is it going away from terrestrial radio? What is the next big thing? Satellite or podcasts? And what is up with companies thinking that people who are listening to a talk show want to suddenly hear music? Hybrids might work in a car but not in radio.

The guys also talked about sports! It’s true! Listen! Golf, football, basketball…it’s amazing what the guys actually know about sports. I mean they couldn’t give Ryan a run for his money but they have some knowledge…

So it was an honor and a blast having Drew in for this hour. We thank him. Check out his show! The website has all of the podcasts and he has, at least recently, been doing live shows on Tuesday nights on ustream.

And for those of you catching this blog Friday, SomaCow will be doing their 3 hour live show tonight (Friday) from 8-11 PM Eastern. See you there!

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Hi everyone, It’s Jen! Geoff is helping out Ryan with The Sports Buzz doing some producing so I’m helping with the blog while Kali helps watch the baby. Phew! This week the guys discussed the current economic state, food, and us!

Yeah, the Dow is in the shitter and we are going through a credit crisis. There are unemployment scammers out there, people are screaming in the streets and running into each other…where is our big flashy title across the screen?

Seriously, does it feel like a 1950’s horror movie to anyone else? Who will be our hero and save the world? And it is the world…and they all seem to blame us. Look, as much as we need to take responsibility for the shit storm we are in, you also had a choice in investing your money in us…stupid on your part!

After we all talked about the sacrifices we have made in this time, I mean we are going without hot butt in our car, the topic turned to food. We have to cheer each other up, you know? Mickey has sworn off Cool Whip (please read with strong wh) because of the dairy content. J swears there isn’t dairy in cool whip. Could he be right this time? Or is this another no-chocolate-in-a-tootsie roll saga?

And Geoff and I rediscovered an old favorite…but Geoff is having problems pronouncing it. He swears as a kid he had “sherbert” but when I bought us a variety of Sherbet from Publix this week Geoff noticed the serious lack of a second ‘r’. So is it “Sher-bet”? What is sherbert? Is there such a thing?

Speaking of old episodes and how awesome SomaCow is (we were talking about that, right?), we need your help, dear listeners. The Heard is being called to let us know your favorite line, bit, moment of SomaCow. If you know an episode that will help but if not just let us know what you loved. When did you laugh? See, there is a contest and we want to win. We’d love to be on Sirius Satellite (and feel free to let them know how much you love us) so we are going to be putting together a 3 minute SomaCow montage (even Rocky had a montage). Thank you for your help! We tried making 2 of the 3 minutes by giving Ross and J their own 1 minute. Yeah, um…we’ll take your suggestions.

You all have been the best listeners in the world. If you can, we’d love to see you live every Saturday from 1-4 PM Eastern at ustream.tv and don’t forget to check out all the other great shows on SomaCow!

Ross came in a little late this week but all he missed in the notes was some talk about him…being late…

But we don’t blame him too much, after all the night before was his birthday party where trivia and beer abounded! He came in and jumped right on his job and then handed out beer. That took away a bit of the pain of him being late. Good call, Ross! Geoff, Mickey and I (not J) got him some funky beer from Total Wine which is a mecca of alcohol! Thank god for dear friends having birthdays so we could check out this place. And thank god for those dear friends sharing it with us.

Speaking of dear friends, we sure do miss the hell out of one big bastard. Come home lil doggy!

Have you ever had sun tea? It’s a tradition… or a staple… what is that word? Well, we do it here in the south! You take tea but instead of making it inside you put it outside… in the sun. My mom used to do this all the time but I didn’t like tea at the time. Why don’t northerners make sun tea? They still could, for a few weeks each August? I guess we just do it more often here since we can do it all but a week in January and a week in February. And in other things the south just does better (yes, I’m trying to rile you all up, come on Yankees!)

At Ross’s party we had a thing called a rib nibbler. They were little bite size chunks of rib (bone-in) and they were GOOD. I didn’t try the ribs but from what I hear these were better than their specialty of baby back ribs! They didn’t even need any dressing.

Speaking of dressing, Paul Newman died. I’d say it was bad that current generations knew him more for his salad dressing but he has stated that he enjoyed that more and he made more money for it so good for him! We did lose a good liberal in that man though. RIP Mr Newman.

I thought I had finally found something to pick on Ross for as there was no music listed but then I remembered from listening live Saturday from 1-4 PM Eastern, that there was no music as we had a twitter pal of Ross‘ call in! Thanks for the great call Mister32.

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• Farewell Paul Newman

In this episode the guys talk about beefs, small packages, and porn!

You know, having a baby sure does change your life. And I’m not talking about the physical act of birthing the baby, I mean just having one around. You might say “duh” but let me tell you… For the last 9 years, until 4 months ago, Geoff was a night owl. He would be up until 1 am easily watching TV, playing on the computer… I can’t count the number of times I fell asleep sitting up just trying to keep up with him. But that baby…you suddenly have all of these new worries, or, if they are the same worries, they are 10 times more worrisome now… Is the baby eating enough? Too much? How will I pay for her college? Is she happy? Will I lose my job? Who will watch her? Will she take the bottle???

And while I worry about them, Geoff works 60 hour weeks, puts on a great show, and spends as much time as he can with Rowan, all along worrying about the above and 100 other things. I’m glad he worries, I’m glad to know I’m not alone, and it’s good he thinks about these things and doesn’t just shrug things off until the worst happens.The worrying never goes away, though, does it?

So anyway, yeah, I’m using this blog space to type this (what else will I do with the notes I have ha! *wink*) as Geoff has passed out next to me at 9 PM and has to be up again early tomorrow morning. I’ll be sure to also throw his bedtime clothes on.

So in this episode, where Geoff, Mickey, J, and the live chatroom were definitely not sleeping, McDonalds was blamed for the meatpocalypse. Then Mickey talked about his small package and gave us all an update. Thanks Mickey!

After that they went into porn and the Chinese Milk drama. I can not wait to go back and listen to THAT segue!

Most importantly, birthdays were talked about. Who doesn’t love a birthday?? Well, Ross is hitting a big one (not the rolled up or water or gravity style, his age silly) and we hear he is having some kind of get together. Rumor has it maybe some trivia involved? We are so there!

So Ross, Happy Birthday. Despite what the song says, you are special!

And Geoff’s birthday is coming up and we are planning some mega-eating for that one. Check in, we’ll keep you posted on where and when but for now, pencil in Saturday, October 25th for some eating!

And in this week’s Weekly Constitutional (which he really does have to do in the bathroom, when else would he have time?) Geoff laments the fact that his Borders was going out of business. The only good thing? The number of books he got for next to nothing! But it is sad…all the little independent stores are practically gone and now the big ones, too?

What isn’t gone is our great music played this episode:

• Dirty Wormz – Top of the Food Chain
• No More Kings – God Breathed

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Due to a pending gag order, we can’t talk about Mickey’s court case. We can only hope that Ross is back with us next week to help us out… although that would mean making sure we have his chocolate replaced…Jen!!!

Instead, this week will be brought to you by Randolph LaLonde. I make the final review of his book, First Light Chronicles. Do pick it up, let him know what you think, and tell him you heard about him here! And then get ready as book #2 is on its way! And you can always join us live every Saturday from 1-4 PM Eastern where you can usually find the author himself chatting along with us. We are so honored. Thank you, Randy for your writings, company, and insight. This episode is all for you.

So in this episode Mickey talks about his experience eating at a gay bar. He went to Hamburger Mary’s, a new burger establishment/bar in Orlando and gave it rave reviews for scenery (and food)! He says he didn’t realize it was a gay establishment at first, but as a self-proclaimed cock tease I think he was just trying to save face. Geoff is hoping Karma bites Mickey in the ass one time when he goes into a gay bar cock-teasing with his handsome charm, wit, and good looks.

So after this, the guys go into a lengthy discussion on their various gay encounters throughout the years. OK, this part wasn’t so bad…interesting insight into the past lives of Geoff, Mickey, and J. Then they jumped into the smell of semen and how J’s doesn’t smell but Geoff swears there is a scent to it. The live chatroom loved getting into this discussion! So what’s the verdict? Does semen smell? Does the scent change? Discuss!

After about 30 minutes of gay bar/semen talk, the old SomaCow came back around and focused on the real issue of hour 3… FOOD!

Is there such a thing as too many incredibly hot and wonderful fries? I think not! Who has the best fries out there?

And then, the topic shifts again…Geoff swears that if a drag queen is hot enough it doesn’t matter if they are a man. I mean there are some that are just incredibly beautiful!

J had had just enough of this talk so he had to finish the hour on a more masculine discussion. He has hooked Geoff on one of the more manly habits a man can have…putting a long thick thing in their mouth and sucking.

Thank you all for joining us in this hilarious and insightful hour! We also enjoyed the following music:

• Devin Lima – Crafty Bitch
• Baskervilles – Slip a LIttle and Boom!

And the show notes of the week from Ross:

“3:13 J ‘You sure have a nice boy (box?) for 15.’”

We would also like to add, if you have a SomaCow Sticker and have placed it in a really cool place, take a picture and send it in. This weeks SomaCow sticker comes from our listener Gryffyn who has recently become a pilot.

Here on SomaCow we often do things tongue-in-cheek. We’d like to take a moment to be a little more serious, and recognize two guys this week. First, Carlito from Madhouse Radio stopped in this episode. After listening to a clip of one of their prank calls, he spent some time with us just hanging out and talking. He’s a great guy doing Go’s work in som bunker here in Orlando, and therefore, you should give his show a listen! Let him know you heard about them on SomaCow.

And while we didn’t get to do the review this week, Randolph (we like to call him Randy (or Ralph, or Rutabega, or Rumplestiltskin)) Lalonde has been a faithful listener every Saturday from 1-4 PM at Ustream for our live show. Randy sent us some early copies of his new book, Part of The First Light Chronicles. We didn’t get to review it this week with Carlito in the studio, but we will! We caught up with him this week, though and he has a ton going on! He now has the website www.spinwardfringe.com where he can publicize his books, especially the new ones! so check out his site, and his stories!

We’re so grateful to have such great listeners that are also so talented. Share your love for us with them, ok? But make sure you tell them you heard about them here. We deserve the credit (and paycheck ;)).

Okay, back to the Hippy vs. Frat Guy War!

Hi everyone! It’s me, Jen. I’m filling in for Geoff while he nurses the baby, er, I mean, sleeps…

Do you miss me? You know, you can always come chat with me while I listen to SomaCow on Ustream, and also of course for Say… Anything. I know I miss my notetaking! I am going to do my best to let you know about this hour using Ross’s cryptic notes.

From the first three lines I can surmise that John Edwards had sex, Bernie Mac died, and the boys have a death wish on another comedian??

Then it says Budweiser is greater than divided by 3. Now I love math, but this formula has had me scratching my head so much the dogs are bringing me the Advantage! This led into “beer talk”. I do remember this from the live show…Kostritzer is teh yummy…

The next line says either WW IIII or WW VII but I think those are both wrong? No clue.

But opposite of war is peace, like the Olympics! The opener was supposed to be grand, and the guys want Bob Costas to get ‘STUF’fed? Do they think he’s too skinny?

Mickey peed in the Navy. OK, I really don’t understand how this is noteworthy! Unless he literally peed IN the Navy…but what does that even mean?

And the last note on the page is that Mickey was stranded at Burger King without paper. I guess Mickey likes taking notes, too?

Well, I know that reading these notes and trying to give them back to you, dear Heard, does not do the hour justice because when listening live from 1-2 PM Eastern last Saturday, it flew by and was quite entertaining. So take a listen, and maybe you can help me decipher these notes. We’ll call it a SomaCow mystery.

What wasn’t a mystery was the music this week!

• They Might Be Giants – Istanbul, not Constantinople

In this hour, we complained about wikipedia, podcasters, J, luauers (people that luau), Shia the Beefs, harmonicas, Charlie Chaplin, and the Death of Chivalry. We were going to discuss great comedy partners, but, apparently, “Simpsons did it”.

So, why am I in such a bad mood? I have a great kid, a truly loving wife, powerful smelling friends with no active plots to destroy me, a decent job, and three pooches to boot. How could I possibly be so hissy and pissy when “a pack of blessings lights up upon my back”?

I really don’t know. I get a lot of enjoyment out of Kingdom of Loathing (sign up, Heard!), and spending time with the baby and wife, but otherwise, I am just seeing red lately. At work, we have a sign. The sign reads “No Solicitation”. I would think that that implies, “Do Not Try To Sell Us Your Scammy Copiers, Nor Your Free Delivery of Overpriced Sub Sandwiches, Nor Even Will We Give You Money, Even If You Just Need It To Catch a Bus and See Your 14-month Pregnant Wife”.

It apparently, does not. Today i was accosted by “the Gallery Rep”, who wanted us to buy 45 dollar cheap brass laminate framed Thomas Kinkade Art. I snarked, swore, and slammed the door.

WTF is up my butt? I normally LIKE breaks in the day like that…

I think I need some sessy time… Something.

Anyway, we had a good show, but in retrospect, we pick on J too much. I will give twenty dollars to the first listener that catches me being uncivil to J without reason, from here on out. See you in the Ustream, Saturday at 1:00 PM Eastern!

We fumed while rocking out to the following great bands:

• Goldfinger – War
• Wes Charlton – Daytime Blues

Sit down for a moment, and let’s talk. There comes a time in every young listener’s life when they begin to notice other listeners. But for the love of God, protect yourself, preferably with a chain mail grade prophylactic!

In this hour, we discuss the secret continued ascent of the AIDS virus, sex education, and comedy! Figure that segue out!

In all seriousness, HIV apparently continues to sweep here in the first world, and not only in third world cultures. Whatever successes we may think we have gained, the fact is that tens of thousands of Americans continue to become infected each year. What other measures can we take? Having just had a daughter, I am all for mandatory chastity belts until age 30, but surely there are some intelligent ways we can curb the spread of this disease.

Mickey gives us a retelling of his efforts to explain the miracle of birth, the joy of sex, and the responsibilities of both to his son. Mall food court, staring at boobs, surely this is how it was meant to go down. Certainly better than my parent’s efforts, which may have not even been legal. Both Mickey and I struggled under the realization that J will have to have sex explained to him soon. Here’s hoping he takes it well.

We rounded out the hour with some comedic discussion, namely, comedy pairings. Didn’t get too many out during the show, so feel free to comment with some of your particular favorites. I cannot believe I neglected Penn and Teller! J really helped us with this topic, by repeatedly referring to Charlie Chaplin. Don’t ask me, cause I have no idea.

We killed em in the aisles to the following great tune (while the band joined us in the chat room):

• Hadley’s Hope – Zoom

In this episode we reviewed some listener mail, discussed my love for Taco Salad at Tijuana Flats, and had in Curtis Earth for some innerviewin’ and trivianatin’!

We get a lot of listener mail, from diet advice to cash donations to cows (seriously, I love the cows, thank you to everyone that sends cows), to coffee to cds and more… But this week was a doozie, with books from Randolph LaLonde for review, dutch hats and shoes, and a special gift from our listener, Seadad, deployed somewhere in the middle east. SomaCow now proudly displays a flag that flew over his vessel in country, and we are honored beyond words. Tune in to our Ustream channel to check out the flag, and help us in sending your thoughts to the troops still stationed overseas.

Since my eyes are already watering, we might as well finish the taco salad recipe. These are the keys to happiness, and I am happy to give them to you. Head to Tijuana Flats, and opt for the taco salad chicken (blackened, if you like that sort of thing), hold the olives, keep the jalapenos (danger!) and add on some refried beans. It’s just soooooo good, people! I would also suggest making it “wet”, which is where the staff cover your dish in queso, but somehow, a salad dripping with spicy velveeta just does not FEEL healthy. It does, sorta, feel squishy.

We enjoyed a visit from a man I really respect here in Orlando, namely, Curtis Earth. If you are a fan of trivia, you cannot go wrong in attending one of his various trivia ventures, or just tuning in to his show here. We get some inside scoop on Curtis, including his sales fashion sense, why and how he got into the trivia hosting business, and we enjoy a quick 10 questions courtesy of his skilled cerebrum. Listeners are invited to participate in the questions in this hour, and we will post hour two with all the answers on July 30th.

We eschewed music in this hour, simply because it was too jam packed with good talk. Fear not, and maybe take this opportunity to visit our band page, familiarize yourselves with some of these great groups, and mail me some requests for the show!

Thanks, as always, for tuning in. See you guys on Wednesday!

In this hour, I am giddy with anticipation, Mickey tells us all The Grating Story of Job, and I foam at the mouth a bit about religion, and this country.

By the time, you, fair and buxom reader, traipse across these words, odds are pretty good that I will be in mid huff on some seriously hot sand. That’s right, yours truly is heading to a glass blowing class, where the instructor will supposedly teach and allow me to craft a pint glass, and a vase, and so forth. We expect to get some pictures and videos, cause I have been looking forward to this since the first time I saw it done on 3-2-1 Contact. Is there anyone cooler than the guy that breathes molten glass? I say nay nay. There is something just ridiculously pure and raw about it, and I cannot wait to learn.

Heading from Blowing to the Story of Job (get it? My title wasn’t vulgar, it was WITTY! That’s a PUN. Highest form of comedy, apart from maybe the limerick), a fascinating delve into the Mind of Mickey. I am not quite sure, but I sorta remember something about Job and a whale, or maybe it was Job and a Giant Peach… All I know is some dude gets pwned, and God said, “yea.”

I really think Mickey’s bible lesson is what started me champing at the bit, as it were. I apologize to all of you for my comments regarding Christians, and the lack of Christians in this society, but, frankly, I am right. I am so right, and you are so wrong, and I am totally going to spend the rest of my week commenting on Christ Blogs until every internet Christian admits to me that they are Fail, they are Doing it Wrong, and they do not has a Savior.

Or, maybe I will just go make my cup.

The point is, I hope all of you are having as great of a week as I am, and I look forward to seeing all of you in our chat room this Saturday, from 1-4pm Eastern. It’s just better radio, internet or otherwise, as a good friend of mine once said.

We got frothy to the following great bands:

• Me First and the Gimme Gimmes – I’ll Be There

• Pushmonkey – Caught My Mind

Yeah, so here I am, trying to help out Geoff as he is working late. So I pull out the green book with the notes…

How the hell am I supposed to write a blog when the notes look like this:

g wants some chisexmass

food like wilbsh chrtsed are good, usually

mickey likes boobs and did some l.c.

jaye told a joke but I didn’t get it…

music played:

Yeah…that’s what I got. And the music? Not listed!

So the guys did a great show (I know as I listened live Saturday 1-4 at Ustream and all 3 hours were fabulous…I just can’t recall the details now) so listen, enjoy, and leave your recap here!

In this hour, we talked about Mickey’s 35th birthday party, which The Chick That He Is Dating was kind enough to throw. It was… surreal, and J and I came to the terrifying realization that Mickey was born to skate. He just looks right, twirling around, gossamer threads of diet mountain dew sweat arcing from his magnificent suddenly seven foot tall hair. The dude needs to be retro-installed into every ABBA video.

We also discussed Bill Gates leaving office, as tipped by one of our chat room listeners. If you ever want to listen live, its pretty easy – just swing by the ustream and you can watch anonymously, or create a log-in and take part in our discussion. Just one of the many gifts that Bill Gates and his OS of shame have yet to take away from us. Maybe next build, yeah?

We rounded out the hour talking about pie. Specifically, $60.00 if you eat it, you get it for free pie. I have yet to hear from the guys this week, as I know they are cowardly and afraid of my skills in the fields on munch, I cannot say that I am surprised. But I promise you this – the competition will happen, there will be video, and I will not fail. What’s 29 inches, multiplied by 3.14? Lunch, that’s what.

Happy 4th of July to all our listeners. Try not to blow off any of your appendages, and send pictures of your firecracker boobs to Mickey@somacow.com. I will, apparently, be spending much of today getting to know our new toilet seat. I wish we had gone with the $700 dollar model.

And listen to these fine tunes with us:

• Richard Cheese – Welcome to the Jungle
• Richard Cheese – Hey Ya!
• Richard Cheese – Material Girl

*WAVE* Hi everyone! It’s me, producer Jen, and I’m at home one-handed typing…my other options are some desperate housewife bitches of NYC or some “Who’s my baby’s daddy this time” show or Court Shows although I love Judge Mlian…

The guys of SomaCow are not too into sports, let alone fantasy sports…but the guys of The Sports Buzz are! I don’t know if TV is even bad enough for me to get into this fantasy sport.

So what is up with the wiki? I mean plenty of crap podcasts are on there but The Greatest Internet Talk Show, Ever can’t have a wiki page? Keep trying, dear Heard!!

Are you a musician? Geoff wants a unique musician to come in and play! Email him an mp3 to geoff@somacow.com and song requests in this episode from Geoff. Can you help?

J went to lunch with a famous person. Can you beat his fame level? We can’t let J win!!!!

So here goes crazy Florida again. State sanctioned LARPing. For real! God I love living here. So proud!

Geoff’s doing a fairly good job getting away from racism but has he transferred his anger and feelings to the homeless?

Don’t forget to check out Mickey’s always insightful Life Coaching Segment at the :40

And the great bands we featured this week:

• The Notorious MSG – Egg Rollin’
• The Frauds – Asphalt Dungeon

OK, off to prepare for my show! Check us all out at Ustream!

]]> http://somacow.com/somacow-188-you-know-youre-a-redneckfloridianidiotlarperracistbumaphobe-if/feed 2 57:41 SomaCow Media Network is proud to present Somacow, brought to you today by Rock For Hunger. *WAVE* Hi everyone! It's me, producer Jen, and I'm at ... SomaCow Media Network is proud to present Somacow, brought to you today by Rock For Hunger. *WAVE* Hi everyone! It's me, producer Jen, and I'm at home one-handed typing...my other options are some desperate housewife bitches of NYC or some "Who's my baby's daddy this time" show or Court Shows although I love Judge Mlian... The guys of SomaCow are not too into sports, let alone fantasy sports...but the guys of The Sports Buzz are! I don't know if TV is even bad enough for me to get into this fantasy sport. So what is up with the wiki? I mean plenty of crap podcasts are on there but The Greatest Internet Talk Show, Ever can't have a wiki page? Keep trying, dear Heard!! Are you a musician? Geoff wants a unique musician to come in and play! Email him an mp3 to geoff@somacow.com and song requests in this episode from Geoff. Can you help? J went to lunch with a famous person. Can you beat his fame level? We can't let J win!!!! So here goes crazy Florida again. State sanctioned LARPing. For real! God I love living here. So proud! Geoff's doing a fairly good job getting away from racism but has he transferred his anger and feelings to the homeless? Don't forget to check out Mickey's always insightful Life Coaching Segment at the :40 And the great bands we featured this week: The Notorious MSG - Egg Rollin' The Frauds - Asphalt Dungeon OK, off to prepare for my show! Check us all out at Ustream! Podcast SomaCow no No http://somacow.com/somacow-174-were-gonna-get-ourselves-organized http://somacow.com/somacow-174-were-gonna-get-ourselves-organized#comments Fri, 30 May 2008 08:31:51 +0000 Geoff http://somacow.com/?p=737 SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow brought to you by A Space That Works.

In this, our finest hour, we had a special guest in the studio, Suzanna from A Space That Works. With her we discuss how she got into this business, what stereotypes come out in people she’s helped, and how she can help us.

Suzanna used to be a messy girl but has reformed and now helps others. Producer Ross won her doing Trivia on Game Show Radio. Well, he won us an hour of her time to help SomaCow get organized in the Martini Room. You see, this is no small task. While the room may be small (and entirely too warm), it has 6 shows worth of crap in there. I mean we have Say… Anything, Just Push Play, The Lunar Room, The Sports Buzz, The Aftermath, and of course, SomaCow. We all bring in our personal items in to make the space more… personal!

If you ever stop by the Ustream chat and you see myself or Jen in there, ask and we shall give you the most awesomest of tours.

We also talked about the difference in trying to organize women vs. men. Do women have more crap? Are they more emotional and attached to said crap? What have you seen? Are you a pack rat?

So Suzanna had some great ideas. Some include:

• One of those industrial mirrors they use to see around corners could help you see each other better during the show. Is there an industry that large? Do whales wear cosmetics?

• Use a lazy susan and/or a big basket in the middle of the desks to hold the crap we keep amassing (a big lazy susan will also help you pass things to each other easily) (We have been saying maybe we need a female in the studio…)

• Put a basketball hoop over the trash can to add fun to your trash J (yeah, J, throw away your trash!)

• Hang a shoe organizer (the one with pockets) on the door to store small items – helps keep them easy to access (I guess this one is for Debe of Say… Anything?)

• Cubbies for different shows is a great idea! You can even have fun painting them, etc. Make sure they are big enough to hold what you need them to. The Say Anything cubby is already overflowing with booze and handcuffs, and the Just Push Play cubby has apparently become Brian’s new apartment.

• Use the half flower pots or similar items on the walls near each chair to hold pens, etc. (oh good, something else Mickey can break instead of our chairs!)

We’re not going to give away ALL of her secrets but she did give some good ones. She is very open to discussion and even has a message board!

We also checked out this new band to the hopper:

• EndeverafteR – I Wanna Be Your Man

In this, our finest hour, we began floating ideas for the FatManLympics, we helped a mother in need, and home defense.

For those of you living under the enormous rock that surely covers the 5.9 billion people that DON’T yet listen to SomaCow, we’re gearing up for the FatManLympics. We’ve set the event during the hottest months, where temperatures are set to skyrocket into the 100s. We’re selecting the stoutest of men, challenging them in their weakest and strongest areas of collective expertise. We’re looking into getting chocolate medals. It’s going to be huge, if nothing else. So, we need about 10 events. So far we have seen suggestions ranging from Truck Trailer Operation to Shoe Tying, and I am still accepting submissions, so, if you want to participate, or at the very least, suggest a competition, do hurry!

We sent Mother’s Day spinning in her wheelchair back to her cheap rest home with a call from listener Mama Juggs. It seems that she was trapped at home on Mother’s Day, slaving away on some project while her kids ignored her pleas for help. I hope it all turned out well, and thanks to Mama J for giving us a call. You, too, are welcome to join in each Sunday from 2-5pm Eastern, just give a call to 407-788-0479, and turn your internets down!

Not to be missed – We talked about what you do when you hear something go bump in the night. I am a firm believer in fat naked fighting, but when I gained weight, I found I suddenly wanted a robe to cover up, so the guy stealing my television wouldn’t have to look at my man boobs, I guess? I am still not sure why. What weapon do you keep for home defense? I was flirting with buying a gun, but the wife is so dead set against it, it would almost do LESS damage to my marriage if I simply let the home invader get all rapey.

Some great stuff in this hour, including sage wisdom from J and Elross, as Mickey again abandons us for what I hope will be the final hour. Don’t forget to check out my review of The Screwtape Letters, by C.Esh. Lewish. It’s damned fine (and short!) literature!

Oh, and as promised! This, This, and THIS are just a few links to some of the great Engrish out there. Enjoy!

You know who always spells their words carefully? THESE HOT BANDS FEATURED IN THIS HOUR OF THE ‘COW:

• April March – Sugar
• April March – Mon Petit Ami

In this hour, we enjoyed a sweet poem to ex-producer-one-day-soon-mom Jen, Ross joined us on Mic while Mickey was away, and Subway hogged our meats.

Hope you guys did something nice for your Moms this Mother’s Day. Jen insisted that, even though she has never birthed an actual child, she somehow deserves mommy day privileges and should receive mommy day treatment. I say Nay Nay! It isn’t a matter of what she has been through. I am sure walking around, bloated with my offspring flimmering around inside of her has been hectic. But Mother’s Day is for birthers, for women that have stood ankle deep in a sea of unwashed grubby little crumbsnatchers, and kept it together. You don’t get to be a champion prize fighter because you walked up to the ring, right? Damn right.

I mean, can I help it if I planned out this infection so well to fall after Mother’s Day, yet before Father’s Day? I am a genius and that can not be helped.

So what did you do for your mother?

J wrote his mother a poem. I returned, in kind, with a free verse aria to my own mother born out of K-Mart experiences from my youth. Thanks mom.

Ross realized he, too, had not gotten anything for his wife. Help!

It is a short episode, as we all looked across the Martini Room at each other and realized we needed a quick trip to the mall. So enjoy, and we’ll see you back here on Wednesday. Join us next weekend at Ustream for our live show from 2-5 PM Eastern and Happy Mother’s Day to all!

In this, our finest hour, we discuss a poonbonnet of great topics, including Hillary Clinton’s struggle to overcome… a coffee machine? We delve into the importance of good Slurpee consistency, and Mickey threatens to buy us a new board!

Poor, poor fettered Hillary, she struggled mightily against the shame of a lousy philandering husband, the ludicrous nature of the constant attacks by the right-wing talking heads, the insanely “unfair” proposition of being forced to fight a black man for positioning… and now she has been defeated by… A Cappucino machine. But while we may pity her her embarrassing moment of shame, it does force the question: How hard can a coffee serve machine BE to effectively operate?

It’s not like it’s a Slurpee machine, which is obviously the most complex steam punkian alchemists’ nightmare contraption. I remember being a kid, heading out every day with a pocketful of recently stolen change, heading straight for the 7-11 with one thought in my mind: Cold, Swollen Coke. Maybe in a neat cup! I remember to this day the thrill of getting a perfectly chilled, perfectly suspended Slurpee, and sitting for hours, alternating between overly sugary dry tongue and unbelievably painful brain freeze. Now, not so much. Stupid entropy! WHY must everything that is good in the world die?

We wanted to take a quick moment and thank all of you that have been placing reviews up for us on iTunes. It means a lot to us that you take the time to do so, as hard as it seems to have been made to PLACE such a review. If you need help with it, I will be giving a webinar each week on “How To Help SomaCow”, cause lord knows we need it. Next week’s topic: The Donate Button and YOU! Just… stop picking on Mickey. I like him, and he does so damned much around here, and he might stop, and then the whole site would just be pudding in a dumpster.

“All protesters are ugly.”

We do a bit of visual humor from time to time, also, so, if you guys ever want to check out the show live, make sure you swing by Ustream on Sundays, at 2pm, Eastern!

Our audio senses were filled with excitement with this week’s songs:

• Peter & the Penguins – She Took Me By Surprise
• Peter & the Penguins – Biff, Bang, Pow
• The Refreshments – Bandito

Hi guys! So this was the first week without me, Jen, as the Producer. The guys decided that the pregnancy was making me a little too emotional and me crying in the talk back had proved too much for them to handle.

So they brought in Ross. I think he’ll do well. I had to remind him to write down the music played, and the studio has a bit more of a man smell on Sundays, but I think I pounded home how important it is to hit record! He seems to be doing well. Geoff wanted to give him my laptop so he could interact but then what would I do? So I cried, and they relented, and I still have my trusty laptop to hang out with you guys Sundays in Ustream :)

But hark! Ross is still in training and all of a sudden they are giving him the hopper (yeah, I’ve only been asking to do that since the old days) and letting him talk on the mic!?! I mean what the hell? See here’s the thing folks, it is very well documented that women can multi-task and guys can’t and Ross is a guy and I am a woman. See what I’m saying? Yeah, I thought so. Not bitter!

No, seriously, Ross is going to do an awesome job and I’m going to enjoy spending these last few weeks of my pregnancy sitting in a comfortable chair…or bed…and listening and laughing with all of you!

This year working with SomaCow has been fantastic. Not only because I got to work next to my best friend, Geoff, and my good friend, Mickey, and the lone voice of reason in this posse, J, but also because I love the show and I love to produce. I wanted more time to do things around the house, nest you could say, but I didn’t want to lose the producer position. Somewhere in my mind I pictured me being able to continue doing everything and just adding the SomaCalf into our lives, but I realize as the time draws nearer that this is not the case. So, with a slightly heavy heart but with all the confidence in the world, I have handed this trusty job over to Ross.

Oh, I’ll still be around (you can always catch me on Say… Anything LIVE Tuesdays 7-8 PM Eastern). I have a feeling a proud dad will want to show off his daughter once or a million times so we’ll be close by. Maybe by the pool, but we’ll be listening. Hmm, how old can she be until she shouldn’t listen anymore? Eh, we’ll worry about that later. I’m seriously excited about being a mom. I talked about it some on a recent episode of Say… Anything but I love being a podcaster, producer, my-other-job-worker, wife and I didn’t know how mom fit in as it seemed some of those were being taken away. What I’ve come to realize, is that being a mom is a damn cool thing, and I can still love and support the show, just from another room.

I think my favorite part of producing for SomaCow was being “silent”. It’s kind of like when you’re having sex and someone else is in the next room over so you have to be quiet…it SO intensifies the experience. Do you know how hard it is to try to be professional, and keep levels in check, and write notes for the blog, while also stifling your laughter every 2 minutes? Yeah, it’s hard.

This wouldn’t be a Jen blog without me throwing in a question for you guys. See, I do this when I help out and write the blogs so you’ll comment so… comment! *ahem* What is your favorite SomaCow memory from the last year? What made you laugh the most?

A brief synopsis of this episode…the guys love trivia (listen this Sunday to find out how they did!), there is a guy in the Army being picked on for being an Atheist (and he made a pretty good comment, if I may say so), J said a really funny line about tang and I cracked up (would have been hard to keep silent for that one), The Bible’s in a bunch of languages, religion vs science is discussed, Geoff does his Weekly Constitutional on a classic-Jelly Belly, bowling for boobs rocks as does fat guy olympics.

Check out this music played (thanks Ross for the notes!):

• NOFX – The Separation of Church & Skate
• NOFX – Franco Unamerican

See you all on Sunday! (click on that highlighted word “Sunday” to see where we all meet 2-5 PM Eastern every Sunday)

In this hour we discussed J and I’s visit to Open Mic Night, Comedy and Hecklers, and Book to Movie translations.

We headed out last Thursday to Copper Rocket, located next to the tracks that separate Eatonville from Maitland north of Orlando. It’s a good bar, the kind of place where the bartender has a Hunter S. Thompson shirt on and the seats are all knifed up by revelers past. We snuck into a decent seat right near the stage, and my pregnant wife Jen and I began the arduous task of pushing the table back and forth between our bellies. I was at a loss as to who should win, because, on one side, the table crushing her belly might mean the permanent disfigurement of our child, whereas if it were crushing my belly, I might be discomfited for a while. Thankfully, J arrived and we both opted to shove the table into his rapidly shrinking belly.

So, the comedy started up, and it was good. The emcee was a mic shouter, but in a club full of assholes that turn their back on the stage, that’s sort of to be expected. In all we saw about 10 comics, 5-6 of which were chicks. Some were fantastic, like Uncle Ray, Alicia, and Katie, and some were… well… They were working out the kinks of their act, let’s just say that. I found the room to be oppressive for comedy, and I think that went a long way towards showing the skill of some of these people. To generate laughs when you have a dull crowd, a weird lighting system, and one f^%$ed up redneck heckler can’t be easy.

And that heckler guy exercised every Floridian Redneck Retard Trait you can imagine. What? You’ve never heard of an FRRT? It’s how you spot the natives, people! Allow me to clue you in, so that you can keep an eye out for this truly rare and special breed. He frequents bars, clubs, Denny’s, and truck shows.

1. Hair – disheveled, lengthy, sweat soaked and yet buoyant. This guy may be balding, but he doesn’t let it faze him. Look for what appears to be a mid-eighties South Eastern Championship Wrestling style haircut, kinda like Sammy Hagar, but with no hint of product.

2. Skin – Slightly resembling Trashcan Man from The Stand by Stephen King. All visible areas will be lobster red, with deep seated melanoma from spending day after day toiling in the brush. This guy works hard, and it shows. Sure, we’ve had silly things like sunscreen, hats, and shirts for a few decades or so, but he is hesitant to change, cause chicks dig a nice dark 3rd degree tan.

3. Clothes – If you have ever been to a gas station on the wrong side of town, and seen an enormous box with what appear to be dirty shop rags spilling out of a funneled slot near the top, you have seen the FRRT boutique. Usually there is a strength in teals and yellows, but the occasional shirt sans sleeves is always appropriate, even on a 50 degree night. The gooseflesh really helps the blisters stand out, you know?

4. Shoes – Flip Flops or sandals. The bluer and rattier the better. The goal of all FRRT’s is to showoff their busted ass feet, which have had countless drills, bricks, car tires, and bottles smashed across them. Typically, an FRRT will grow hobbit fur on their toes to cushion the blow of these many accidents, and this fur they will groom fastidiously if given a second stool to hoist them up upon.

5. Accessories – Ah, here is where the FRRT shines! From the puka shell necklaces they got on Spring Break 32 years ago in Daytona before dropping out “for one semester”, to the sweat stained cigarette or blunt behind their ear, this guy knows how to bring an ensemble together. Look for sunglasses, even though it is 10:30 at night in the bar equivalent of the goddamned Bat Cave, a Firebird or Camaro keychain, and bus transfer tickets. I would say that the frothiest, most spillingest, stankest foamy beer you can imagine is also an accessory, but no FRRT has even been seen without one, and if he spills one, you can be damn sure he was two-fisting.

6. Eyes. Always vacant, they stare in a way that perfectly indicates how many miles of edging and blowing this one man has done in his life. Also, yellow. Very, very yellow. Jaundice, or gonorrhea? Something. Do not maintain eye contact with an FRRT exhibiting individual, for any reason. If you are a male, it will indicate your desire to fight, or discuss “The Mexicans”. If you are a woman, it will indicate your desire to copulate with him, and your need to also discuss “The Mexicans”.

Hope that helps!

Anyway, the gals and guys did a good job in the face of such adversity, and we’d definitely go back, and I think J wants to do a set, which would be a hoot that I will be sure to videotape for you all. Have you ever done an open mic night? How did it go?

We wrapped up with some discussion of Where the Red Fern Grows, which J and Mickey never read. I am beginning to think that the book topic may not be such a hot item, seeing as I work with two guys that spend more of their time staring at porn than they do anything else. Maybe I should do Porn Reviews, instead. At any rate, J hated Frankenstein for the dumbest reason I have ever heard. I actually bought him a puka shell necklace.

See you guys here next week, or, come join us in the Ustream for our show, Sunday at 2pm, Eastern. We’ll be giving away the iTouch live, so if you entered, good luck, and if you didn’t, well… damn.

We yukked it up to the following great musics in this hour:

• Straight Outta Junior High – Happy Fun Song
• Snog – The Happy Song

And check out some of Katie Hughes work:

Myspace Video from Bonkerz

I’ll tell you what we would do without you. We would eat flamed beefs. All day, every day. But, as good as that would be, it would still leave a large empty place in our hearts, though not our thighs.

What would be the point of us getting actors’ names mixed up, making up ridiculous news stories or tickling fatties on the webcam if it weren’t for you, and the time you spend with us?

Everything we do here at SomaCow, we do for our listeners. Whether it’s giving away a free iPod Touch (no purchase necessary, some restrictions apply), scouring the Interwebz for things that
might interest you, or coughing into the mic during Mickey’s Life Coaching segment, the point is: you complete us.

And what is our reward? What’s in it for us? It’s the growth of our show, our network and ourselves (for which you listeners are not ENTIRELY responsible, see flamed beefs above).

So thanks to each and every one of you who has downloaded our podcast, or listened to us live on Sundays from 2-5pm EST, or watched our video stream on ustream.tv, or donated funds or commented our blogs or entered our contests.

THIS JUST IN:
Ok, one of you listeners has gone completely nuts. And we love it!
Candy, our favorite stripper from the midwest, has captured the very ESSENCE of the personalities on the SomaCow show with her masterful and insightful rendition of: The SomaSims. Wonder how J would look if he were skinny? Want to know what’s REALLY under Mickey’s omnipresent trucker cap? Dying to see how Geoff plans to knock off Mickey and J so he can be the sole heir to the empire? Visit Candy’s The SomaSims site. Leave her a comment, and the lap dance is negotiable.

THIS is why we do what we do.

And we would cuddle every one of you.

I felt good this week, partly because the weather has been gorgeous, and mostly because I got a haircut. First paid for haircut in 3 or 4 years, second in 10 years. A man CAN cut his own hair, but he really shouldn’t (ask Mickey). Just hope you do not hear what I did, cause it destroys a small part of your manhood.

In this hour of SomaCow, we discussed the impending economic crisis. Take a moment to check out this guy’s blog (Audio music will play when this blog loads) for some backstory, as we pretty much ran with his list. Fact-checking, it’s what we are about. And yes, I am retarded, because in the episode I said, “Everything tastes better with a 9 mm bullet”, and the last word should be chaser. Blame it on my mom, cause she drank when she was pregnant.

And J makes his trium(ele)phant return to the show…. and he is… SKINNIER???

It’s a fact! J is down 30+ lbs, and well on his way to living to see episode 200! We’re all very proud of him, and welcome you to congratulate his success!

Check out his News Bomb at the :40, and jam out to the following awesome bands played in this hour:

• Weedy Factory – Did It for the Money
• The Downshifters – Money
• Notorious MSG -Straight Out Of Canton (Iron Wok Remix)

So, this is the final episode of audio weirdness. You may have noticed the last three episodes suffered a certain tinny warblyness, and I am happy to report that that issue is resolved, and we here at SomaCow Media, Inc. are ready to screw up in all new ways!

In this hour, we discussed my toe, which is looking better now, thank you for asking. I still have no nail, and I am terrified of its tendency to turn ghostly white, but the pain is gone and the swelling is reduced. It’s a lot like lovemaking that way. If you ever need a podiatrist, I highly recommend Dr. Pearl. His bedside manner is second only to his hot nurse assistance. Just make sure you exfoliate your heels before you go, as no one wants to hit on a cute girl when she is holding a scabrous hoof.

For us, it begged the question, why would ANYBODY be a podiatrist, or a proctologist, or an otolaryngologist? I mean, you sat through god knows how many science and math courses, you staved off sleep through internships galore, and now, you stand, your shingle in hand, ready to get hippocritical on some mo’ fo’s, and you choose leaky swollen nasty bits? Weird. Sound off if you know why, Heard.

The Pope has been quite active lately, making assorted commentary on the Iraq war, the middle east in general, and how Muslims should act. I can only attribute it to the fact that his man-boylust is peaking, and I hope somebody can get him some kidtouchbane or wormwood or whatever normally makes him go back to his dark lair.

I would like to take a moment to address our younger listeners, specifically, our Catholic younger listeners. We at SomaCow know that the Pope is deadly serious in his desire to ram some youth butt, and so we offer these handy tips to stave off potential papal/priestly buggery:

1. Smoke heavily. Nothing turns off a horny holy man faster than proffering the wafer of Christ only to see a furry green and yellow tongue staring back at him. At the very least, eat lots of sour apple candy, and try to get braces. Make your mouth into a threatening sewer of steel and sticky rotten putrid bits of nasty, and Father O’Faggy may just read scripture instead of undressing you with his rheumy eyes.

2. Bean up, boy! Every Saturday night, carb load like a dervish, and ask for seconds. The more gas you expel, the more you will stink, especially “in your rectory”, as it were, so load up on Kidney Beans, Lentils, Mushrooms, Pinto Beans, Cheese, Refried Beans, Pad Thai (extra hot!), Broccoli and whatever else is good for your heart. The more you eat ‘em, the less you have to worry about some creepy old guy slipping his hand up your frock.

3. Worship Satan! Yes, its a well known fact that the Devil wants to eat your soul, and destroy all that is good in the world, but he is also a hermaphrodite, and thus suffers from what your Dad calls “ED“. Just make sure you get back on the good foot after you grow facial hair (Think Goatee-Gotta Go!) and you will be right as rain. Priests don’t want to fuck adults, if they did, they would have gotten a real job, and a car, and maybe a really sweet jacket. Only perverts spend that much time on their knees.

Hopefully those will help you out in your efforts to “get thee from behind me”, kids. Now quit listening to our show and go outside. Your parents would kill us if they knew you were here. Well, probably not. I mean, they take you to church, so they obviously hate you.

Yeah…

Anyway, we played some great music in this episode, featuring these angelic bands:

• Frenzel Rhomb – I Went Out With a Hippy & Now I Love Everyone Except For Her

And I reviewed Apollo 13, which I loved, as will you. It got us to talking about space exploration in general, and that always puts me in a better mood. We have so little time left, people. Time to get serious about Science and start exploring and colonizing. We are one lonely miserable anthill floating all alone in the “highly unfashionable western spiral arm” of Nowheresville. Momma Earth is a good egg, but we will need to hatch one day soon, and the more we understand about off-terrestrial living, the more equipped we will be to handle the sudden poach.

See you on Sunday in the Ustream! Happy Easter!

In this episode, we discussed my newfound love for tea, in all its forms, from the new Pure Leaf stuff being pimped by Lipton to this special magic brew oolong bomb secret spicy tea I am drinking. I only ask 2 things from my tea – be cold, and not taste like rotting fruit. There is NOTHING worse than tea that has sat in a cistern at a fast food restaurant for too long, and now every sip makes you wonder if it was brewed from the grout cleanings at the local YMCA shower. Except maybe Nestea. Holy crap, there must be acid in that stuff, like, scour your pooldeck acid, cause it will give you the burning coughy all day long.

We tried out a new segment, where I quiz my fellow hosts in an effort to determine who is paying attention. I think it was fun, Mickey and J looked silly, and the listeners enoyed playing along, so I think I will make it a Staple each week. Play along in the chatroom, and prove to everyone else that you are the smart!
We talked about a terrible story from Hawaii, where bureaucracy has caused one family the ultimate in suffering. For shame, faceless governmental agency sprouting needlessly from our senseless fear… For SHAME.

We also talk about my MAN! He may not be as lefty as Kucinich, or as outsidery as Ron Paul, but I feel like it is time. It’s time, for

I cannot wait! A vote for Obama is a vote against old people!

I choked down so much meat this week, that my olfactory isn’t making enough ol’ offal for me to get through Henry Rollins, so I cheated and pre-reviewed Mr. Black’s book. I am ashamed, you are nonplussed, Amazon is waiting for your credit card number.

We all agree that the writer’s strike, while lengthy, was unnecessary. After watching recent episodes of all the major evening shows, it is apparent that the writers were not what made the shows so good.

Mickey rarely suggests links, so you should take notice of these:

Funny or Die

You Suck At Photoshop

Andy Mila… Millakno…. Milinoc…. That Fat Greek Kid is NOT The Man Show Boy. I am serious, look it up.

Mickey also regaled us with a film that we must go see, if only to look for traces of Chrispy.

Please feel free to send us your independent music, movie scripts, finger paintings, pictures of bewbs, and other assorted creative stuffs, and we will happily display it in a place of prominence, here, on the internet’s refrigerator door of justice. moo@somacow.com!

Music:

• The Saints – Je Fuckin’ T’aime

• Bad Astronaut – Auto Care

Hey, about that Free iPod! Make sure you check the top o’ the page for the linkity link!

In this episode, we and our free iPod pat ourselves on the back for aligning the Powerhouse Team of Awesomeness that is SomaCow Media, Inc. Five solid shows and a free iPod, each striving to entertain, inform, and excite their listeners, for the low, low price of free (as in free iPod)! You are not worthy. You say you listen, but do you REALLY? We’ll see, check the bottom of this entry for details (about the free iPod).

(You can skip the contest and buy yours today!)

Apple 8GB iPod Touch Media Player with WiFi

We’re really looking forward to speaking with Drew Curtis of Fark.com next week, as he is a genius, a mogul, and the coolest internet not news provider ever. Plus, he may be reading and listening to this, so, yes.

We also toss out a solid salute to Wikipedia, for standing up to the pressure of thousands of Muslims as they desperately struggle to retain some dignity for their diety. Sorry, my dear friends-with-smooth-knees, the secret is OUT! Mohammad has a lazy eye, Mohammad has a lazy eye!

-Some called him Cassius…

We also discussed the tracts of hand, specifically, the irritation one feels when you realize that the guy working beside you is not only devoutly religious and reeking slightly of patchouli, but that he has waited until this exact time as you struggle to extricate yourself from the weeds to announce his desire to “save” your immortal soul. I guess it could be worse. You could be a waitress. Or even worse, still, get a SomaCow Sticker as a tip (which is no where near as cool as A FREE IPOD).

We also did a run down of the top 20 beers. Yeah, I said “as picked by Americans, but screw it. Americans just pick coors and natty ice. This guy has the straight dope on the long pull of the gold drink.

Tune in around the :40 to get some of Mickey’s Life Coaching. To thine own self, unless you are looking in a mirror or something, be true.

We sampled all the music across the land and found these to be the fairest of them all:

• Scissors for Lefty – Mama Your Boys Will Find a Home Soon
• NOFX – She’s Nubs
• Chixdiggit! – IRemember You

(all of those songs would sound extra awesome on a free iPod)
Free ipod. For reals.
Okay. So, you are here, at the end of the blog, and you are wondering – What is all the buzz about.

How about free iPod?

“But Geoff”, you wheedle, “I don’t want some crummy Nano. I know they just lowered the price on the 1GB to, like, $49.00, and I really don’t need a…”

It isn’t the Nano.

“Oh! Well, I mean… The old spin screen white model is pretty nice… I mean, it has video and stuff. I guess that’s pretty cool of you…”

It isn’t the old spin screen.

No, dear listeners, I am feeling high on the hog, or cranked on the cow, or whatever other euphemism you need. We are getting ready to celebrate one year of SomaCow Media, Inc. invading your ears and filling your life with laughter and sexy talk and the best Indie music known to man, and I feel generous.

So, I am giving one of You, loyal members of the Heard, an iPod touch screen.

All you have to do to win is listen, and pay attention, and answer 10 questions. Those questions will be posted this Friday, and we will draw the winner live from a hat filled ONLY with entries that have all correct answers. Here’s some boilerplate for you to stare at:

HOW TO ENTER

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. To enter, complete the entry form from our Quiz, with all answers being approved by the appointed panel by SomaCow Media, Inc. To be eligible, entries must be completed and received on or by April 15th, 2008. Incomplete entries will be disqualified. All entries shall become the property of SomaCow Media, Inc. SomaCow Media, Inc. is not responsible for lost, misdirected or delayed entries. Entries received by telephone, fax, smoke signals, random shoutout, courier (including but not limited to bipeds and pigeons) or personal delivery will not be accepted.

CONTEST RULES:

1. The contest is open to the general public as well as anyone currently subscribing to SomaCow Media, Inc. products (except residents of Deltona, Fl [it's a miserable place]), of age of majority. Employees of SomaCow Media, Inc., advertising and promotional agencies and their respective affiliates and associates and such employees’ immediate family members and persons with whom such employees are domiciled are excluded from this contest. Any questions as to your eligibility should be sent to somacow@gmail.com wherein you may plead your case. I wish you luck.

2. The prize is not redeemable in cash and must be accepted as awarded.

3. Decisions of the contest judges are final. No appeals. Hush. Just shut up and win.

4. By claiming the prize, the winner authorizes the use, without additional compensation of his or her name and/or likeness and/or voice/photograph and municipality of residence for promotion and/or advertising purposes in any manner and in any medium (including without limitation, radio broadcasts, newspapers and other publications and in television or film releases, slides, videotape, distribution over the internet and picture date storage) which SomaCow Media, Inc. may deem appropriate. Hubba. Hubba.

5. In accepting the prize, the winner, and any guest(s), acknowledges that SomaCow Media, Inc. may not be held liable for any loss, damages or injury associated with accepting or using this prize(s). Seriously, WTF are you doing with an MP3 player stuck up there, anyway?

6. The person(s) whose name(s) is drawn from the finalized collection of correct and completed entires as being the winner(s) of the specific prize will be required to provide a mailing address to redeem their prize.

G. Winners must reply in positive to a release form as prepared and accepted by SomaCow Media, Inc. acknowledging their acceptance and understanding of the contest rules.

LVI. SomaCow Media, Inc. retains the rights, in its absolute and sole discretion, to make substitutions of equivalent kind or approximate value in the event of the unavailability of any prize or component of the prize for any reason whatsoever. Don’t worry, barring Steve Jobs going nutty and exploding the store I am going to, or some kind of giant pandas from space invasion where the human race is enslaved and/or eaten by our new, furred masters, you will get the iPod.

10. This contest is subject to all federal, provincial and municipal laws. So, if its illegal, you may not play.

10. SomaCow Media, Inc. reserves the right to withdraw or terminate this contest at any time without prior notice. You know what? This is a shitty rule. Strike it!

10. You will get the 8GB version. Deal with it. 8GB is a lot. It would hold all of SomaCow Media’s shows, and that is all you will ever need.

14. Contest is most certainly NOT open to Canadian residents. Unless you are hot, and or comment the blog a whole bunch in a meaningful way. Meaningful is a term to be decided on strictly by me. And J. And Mickey, maybe, if he has time.

J. One entry per person.

Dear Listener,

In case you missed it, Geoff is dipping into his pockets full of beefy juicy cash to purchase an iPod. He is then going to take that iPod and give it to a listener for free. Could that listener be you? (If you are hot, and really want to win… you know the drill… we might could maybe work something out. Ok? Shhhhhhh…)

And, just in case, February 19th, 2008 – SomaCow Media bought a new microphone, Debe from Say … Anything was the first one to use it. Something silly and trivial might be important on your quest to obtain the free iPod that Geoff is giving away to one of our lucky listeners.

Good luck, I hope you win the free iPod. That would be totally cool.

Lurv,

Mickey

Again, if you are not eh best at paying attention, you can buy your (Non)Free iPod today!
(You can skip the contest and buy yours today!)

Apple 8GB iPod Touch Media Player with WiFi

We host the black flag this morning here on SomaCow, as we bid adieu to our dear Uberbastard from the State of Florida. Rare and strange is the sort of fast friendship that I have developed with this man, who drips with sexcasm and sardonicry with every word. Consider this a “Cautionary Tale of Woe” to you, dear listeners… If you know a large man with a big heart (not an enlarged heart, a big heart) that likes to drink and crack wise, take him out now and fill his giant, saucy belly with booze and his ear with camaraderie. You only get so much time in the Sun of a Star like Uber, people, and you really should soak it in while you can.

So, Goodbye to you, Uberbastard. May you find whatever it is that you need in North Carolina. See you in 2 years, tops. No one gets out alive.

J and I are losing weight (50 lbs between us so far!) and Mickey is terrified of losing his status of “Show Hot Guy”. I actually gained all of this weight to keep the constant stream of hoors off of my doorstep, and am interested to see what will happen this time around. Gotta drop the pounds fast now, as I only have 100 days until my daughter arrives. No one wants to be dropped off at school by FatDad.

We talked about shopping, and revealed Mickey’s dark shopping secret. I wonder if he ties a nice pink ribbon in his hair before entering the grocery store.

Paper or plastic? I never know now. It used to be paper, cause plastic was chemically and bad. Then it was plastic, cause you could recycle the bags, and paper kills trees. Now it’s cloth, but that has to cost something somewhere too, right? I remember reading that cotton fields were bad for the environment or something. From now on, I say we just drag an ice wagon behind us. Better hurry home, before your groceries are all over the sidewalk.

Mickey and TCTHID do not eat together. I gotta do something about that. There is a bond that occurs between a man and his woman when they sit in silence and listen to each other chew.

Check out J’s newsbomb, as it was my turn this week to derail him. I took the camera in our Ustream and directed it at his neck fat, only to realize, HE HAS NO MORE NECK FAT! The man is svelte, ladies… And single (hubba hubba!) By single, I actually mean married.

The Russians blah blah blah. Screw them potato drinking pansies!

We played the following fantabulous musics in this, our finest hour:

• Former Fat Boys – My Side of the Tracks
• Yves Klein Blue – The Street Light

In this episode, we pay tribute to the rootinest, tootinest, should probably be retired already horror villain of them all, Messier Frederick Krueger. We run through the filmography, and discuss the need for a sequel, along with some other horror talk. J and Mickey are scared of high school girls that get their period. It’s understandable, but I am there to help them through it.

I have spent much of my week playing Contra 4, which has some great unlockable content. It’s been sort of like a trip down memory lane, slaying hundreds of thousands of sentient alien lifeforms in a grisly haze of laser beams, spreadshot, and fireballs. I miss the eighties. I miss an era when men were men, and chawed on the stub of a soggy cigar while shooting hot lead at the unknown until half the friggen jungle caved in around him. Stupid emo.

Here’s a nifty 8-bit emulation of Contra (The Original). It’s friggen sweet. Except I cannot make it shoot down-right.

J hates jean jackets, which is weird.

I may do more on the Necroscope series further on down the line. They really are the best books, if you like sprawling science fiction horror fantasy. But even if you HAVE seen a woman naked, they’d make a decent movie. Hell, they made a movie out of The Dark is Rising. They will film anything.

Don’t forget to check out Mickey’s life coaching at the :40!
Speaking of needing some advice, we discuss “the incident”. Tune in to find out why Producer-Jen is no longer welcome at any Elks Lodge within 300 miles.

And don’t forget these great songs!

• Hydrovibe – The Killer Inside
• The Dollyrots – Watch Me Go (Kissed Me, Killed Me)