SomaCow

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Tuck’s Medicated Pads. Number one amongst the newly initiated, every pro-bono rape kit should have some!

In this hour, we discussed a horrific story out of Middle American Extracurricular Sporting Entertainment, Discontinued products that MSN demands Americans demand back, and our own resident Life Coach gives Lindsay Lohan a much needed tongue lashing. Ew. Well, Hot, but, ew.

Hazing. What up with hazing, anyhow? Why is it necessary to take a good thing, be it a new job, a position landed on a team, selection for a special military unit, or just the simple admission to a new group of friends, and make it oh so very gay? Back in the day or as we learned a man was not considered to be fully grown if he had not gone beyond the hills, or sailed the Seven Seas (yeah, Seven Seas at least). Now the rites of such passage are robbed of our men-children, and they are left with these homo-erotic and entirely self-loathingly gay rituals.

Poking in the rear, standing naked in a pyramid, streaking through male company, being slapped with a frat paddle (cast-iron or otherwise) are the nouveau feats of strength. Why not climbing a mountain, defeating a viper, swimming a raging river, biking 100 miles, bench pressing a Toyota Echo, eating an entire Famous Bowl, finishing an Anne Rice novel without skimming? These are all hardy tasks, and were a man capable of performing, hell, even attempting such in effort to gain my camaraderie, a friend for life would he find in me. Skippity gee.

Girls beating girls to half-death with toasters, and boy poking each other with broomsticks? Who or what is to blame?

We get right the hell off this %$&*ed up topic and sally into some products I saw on the MSN website, begging to be reintroduced to the general public. We go over all ten, and while I lolled waiting for this episode to be released, I thought of a few more things I really miss that are gone now.

1. Die Cast Transformers – Am I imagining this, or were Transformers action figures once 4 .lbs? These new flimsy ones reek of insincerityrity and weak forging. How can you know if a toy will stand the test of time if you cannot even chip your brother’s cranium lobbing it from six paces?

2. The Chevy Sprint – 3 cylinders of maximum performance, piercing the night. The whole point of a shitty throwaway car is that you get to treat it like a shitty, throwawar car. Now that every car on the market costs 15,000 base price, how can I feel comfortable playing portopotty jouster and powerbrakeman 5000, knowing how deep into debt I am sinking myself? A note to all auto manufacturers – They are CARS, not P^%$Y! Stop trying to price them as such.

3. Super Soakers that would put your freaking eye out. Gone are the Powerblasters of yesteryear, their limitless pumping capable of delivering 1 cubic foot of water directly into a 1sq cm space on your brother’s throat. Now the guns are safer, squelchier, weaker, and splattier. Who decided this needed occurring? Thank god for pressure washers, or else our upcoming generation would never know the thrill of water in the bone!

4. Stable operating systems – We really are not willing to spend any more time whining about Vista, but even while test driving a Mac I noticed a sad new reality – Robustness has been replaced by random functionality. I should be able to slightly lazily plop at the keys and not accidentally strike the magic key combination to “close this window without saving, or even warning”. Why is that even an option, especially on a laptop, where hands must drag and wrists must work overtime to keep balance? Why is it if I lazily drag two files at once, Vista must fire up the whirling circle of S%&t, and force me to sit for two hours while it tries to figure out if I wanted to copy paste a shortcut of internet explorer to my blog (apparently, a commonly performed task at Microsoft Corp.?) or if I just had fat hand. Just work. If I click “shut down”, shut the hell down. If I click “stop trying to do whatever asinine task you think you need to do right now, and answer me so I know if you are okay, or if you are just being ridiculous and spooling unneeded data into a swap file on your temperory drive so that you may copy and delete it 6000 times”, then STOP.

Same goes with Wordpress. When I first downloaded this once functional, bad ass software, I could type words in a box, hit post, and have a damned fine show blog. Now, I sometimes think I am summoning Cthulu with the amount of time, technique, fireworks, tentacles, and blood that must be shed to get out a pressing.
To all companies – Less is More. Even me. So, check out these bands, and Mickey’s LC at the :40.

• They Might Be Giants – Ball and Chain
• Duenow – The Sewage In My Nuts

Tags: broomstick, chevy sprint, comedy, die cast, diecast, famous bowl, hazing, internet, mac, msn, orlando, Podcast, poking, radio, rituals, somacow, super soakers, talk, toasters, toyota echo, transformers, tucks, vista, wordpress

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this, our finest hour by Mickey’s Life Coaching and Old People Computer Use Help Desk.

The ladies of Say Anything sit in with us for a final hour, which, again, is far prettier eye candy than what we are used to. We start out with something that aggravates us to no end, the end user that can’t use their computer to a meaningful end. That being said, I think I picked up a few thousand “applications” from my last bout of “browsing”. The only thing that is protecting me at this point is Vista’s hostility towards the operation of ANY program, much less scumware and spyware.

Mickey brings up a valid point that NO candidate can hide from the public lens, and will forever be hiding from their past. How prescient (that means “future done seen”, Apopka) of him, considering Hillary Clinton’s current efforts to align her memory with actual footage. I am still praying for a last minute third party swoop-in, saving us from four years of… THOSE people.

We have no time for politicking on SomaCow, it seems, and quickly get off topic into tongue piercing and oral. It’s the effect of the girls in the studio, I believe.

As an aside – Hiter was Swedish. Shocking, isn’t it?

Why is America so willing to “take back” Obama? I mean, I like the guy. I had NO problem with him and his racist friends, but I do not understand that whole battered wife/Stockholm “just say you are sorry and all will be fine again” mentality people seem to be approaching this with. Nothing is fine, and glossing this race issue over is just a guarantee that it will revisit with a vengeance in October. Oh well… The Democrats know how to lose an election, and it shows!

Again, why are we talking about Politics during a visit from the ladies?

I think it had a lot to do with THIS (read at your own leisure and peril)

After reading that article, I was in a tizzy. Our society: bankrupt. Our way of life: defeated. A giant fat wet fart and The American Way is On the Way Out. We have to take steps to avoid this calamity, in addition to all the other calamities we are currently facing (Disease, The Housing Market, and Starbucks Coffee).

I had high hopes for Starbucks, as I thought they had clearly identified their problem (bitter, bad coffee, dumb staff, unethical managers, and too many layabouts holding up The Line). So, today, I swung by a Starbucks adorning my local mall and went to get a Venti Caffe’ Americanoeoee. It was god-awful. Bitter and repugnant, I see no change in their corporate behavior evidenced, as “Morris”, the 17 year old cheese-face that poured my Joe, stared at me, thenm stared at the machine, then stared at me, then stared at the sink, then WALKED TO THE SINK AND POURED MORE TAP WATER INTO MY COFFEE. Mmm… Nothing makes coffee taste better than the microbial soup of a dirty sink tap.

Let me be clear, I have no problem drinking from “A” tap. I drink from mine at the house, public drinking fountains… Hell, I have sucked off a garden hose just to feel that cold, slightly dry iron-y mouth feeling. But this sink was a cesspool of spilled beverages, uncleaned canisters, and filthy steam rags. Screw you, Morris. I sentence you to another year of working in a Mall Starbucks under the not-so-watchful eye of Bernice.

Speaking of Starbucks, THIS JUST IN, one thing you can get that’s good at Starbucks? your barista’s kidney!

We continued our topic sprint in an effort to get the girls to chime in, and they finally came to as we did a bit of girl vs. guy trivia. Feel free to play along:

Thanks to Paul Redman for the idea. Next week, Dialing for Dollars, or something. Mickey hates trivia, which sucks, cause he is good at it. at the :40, for my Weekly Constitutional, I reviewed The Bible. It was a complete pantload, mostly about this guy with daddy issues… But – it gave me a GREAT idea for a story. More details later!

For now, simply bask in the glow of the following great bands:

• The Dollyrots – Nobody Wants You
• Notorious MSG – Warlord

Tags: anything, barista, clinton, coaching, comedy, constitutional, debe, disease, dollyrots, hilary, hillary, hitler, housing, independant, independent, internet, jen, kidney, ladies, life, market, msg, music, notorious, obama, orlando, Podcast, politics, radio, say, somacow, starbucks, swedish, talk, the bible, vista, weekly

Red Seas at all, we’re all screwed. Shove that bullet in your bizone, nudge.

We talked about the impending disaster set to sweep America away in a rising tide of… Gravy. Or something. It’s all greek to me, because now that the right wingers and the White House are on board with this whole global warming thing, I am no longer sure it is relevant, pertinent, or salisbury.

So, we try to clean up our act in this episode, as we want to be able to provide you, dear listener, with the best possible auditory and entertainment experience while still getting paid. In order to do that, we have to stop chasing off advertisers with our foul, foul language.

And really the show has become something of a sleaze pit, with Mickey scrawling LOLcat-sailorspeak all over the bathroom walls, J dropping all kinds of Shakespearian insults at people during the smoke breaks (he actually called me a base-faced eater of broken meats… what does that even MEAN?) and my standard operating procedure of hyphen-the-motherfuck-ating words that should not be hyphenated… It’s just not civil anymore, you know?

So, presumably, we will now be paying a listener every time we swear. Or they will be paying us. I am not sure, because there was a honeybaked ham on the premises during the show, and I really cannot focus when such temptations lay about.

Theoretically, the new breakdown after episode 100 will be as follows:

The S Word – $1.00
The C Words – $2.00
The F Word – $5.00

That, if you listen to some of our shows, could get pretty shitty-cock-cunt-fucked-up pretty quick. So here’s to being broke in the new year!

Blah Blah Blah windows vista sucks…

Oh! We gave some of the black friday tips, which I wish you all luck in. I am no longer going brick and mortar, partly to avoid chafing but mostly to keep from killing my fellow man during the holiday season.

We also talked about beer delivery mechanism… Which do you think outshines all others? The Vending Machine, The Train, or the Tube?

See you on Wednesday!

Panic! at the Disco – The Only Difference between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage
The Guggenheim Grotto – Wonderful Wizard
The Vandals – Money is not an Issue

Tags: alternative, baked, beer, black, cat, cock, cunt, cuss, friday, fuck, ham, honey, independant, internet, lol, machine, orlando, Podcast, radio, shit, thanksgiving, train, tube, vending, vista