171: The Perfect FastBreak [1:01:51m]:
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SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Wa Wa Coffee. Chrispy introduced me to this jitterjuice, and I have already snurfed down an entire bag of the Original Blend. Get some!
In this hour, we discussed my plans for a New Exercise Regime, the contents of the Ideal Breakfast, and the Lifelock Moron.
Wii has issued a video game, which stands as a double challenge for us. The first challenge is to actually locate a Wii video game system, which has gracefully unadorned the shelves at every Best Buy, Circuit City, WalMart, and Target from here to Tupelo, and the second challenge is to work out daily with the regiment set up by the Wii Fit game itself. I read a review of the game by a personal trainer, and all I can say is LIAR! Naturally, this track suit beef man is cautious of being supportive of the genius inherent in this game. He doesn’t want to be out of a job. GET IN LINE, “NATHAN”. You and the Detroit Auto boys can genuflect on how much it sucks to be replaced by a robot!
Whew! I don’t know about you, but I am exhausted by all that talk about considering exercise. We roll right back into good habits, taking the Biscuits and Gravy discussion of episode 170 to higher peaks still, with the identification of the ideal SomaCow Breakfast Spread. I insist that it must contain the following:
Eggs – Omelettes are appreciated, but anything scrambled kinda needs cheese. I have long been a fan of the eggs over easy, as they provide an initial egg white and pepper thrill, and then a long hard slog as you pound down buttered wheat toast dripping with golden delicious yolk music. My only problem was that I often found the egg white to be too runny. At the age of 29, I suddenly realized one could order an egg “over medium”. I have been unstoppable since.
Bacon – We waver back and forth, with some of us preferring the crisp, hot hardness of overcooked bacon, and others enjoying the fatty, translucent trichinosis temptation of an underdone hog. The point is simply this: Bacon is necessary, and right, and it brightens my morning every time I think of how much more bacon there is for me since the Jews and the Muslims are dumb.
Sausage – It’s amazing how important a pig is to breakfast. Sausage is just so versatile. It can be found in patty or link, maple coated or spiced to mouth-watering proportions, and it’s always welcome. I think a variety is necessary, to help round out the goal of eating a whole day’s food pyramid in one meal.
Pancakes – Ah, this is where the magic begins. A proper pancake, be it buttermilk, blueberry enriched, or even a crepe, must have no dark brown. It should almost kiss undercooked, its exterior hot and spongy, its interior barely not-gooey. There is no pan on the earth capable of delivering such a blessed bread, and a griddle or full Wolf brand grill are required.
French Toast – Strange, that soaking bread in milk and egg and then frying it utterly and irrevocably forever changes that bread for the better. Some people pile on the powdered sugar, but I think that is shameful, like raising the white flag of suckdom over your breakfast battlefield. No, these beauties are destined for far greater application. Save the syrup for the pancakes, and roll some sausage and egg into these instead. Nom. Nom. Also, Nom.
Hash Browns – Here is where it gets tricky. The potato has very little to offer at breakfast. Sure, you could make potato pancakes, but that’s sort of a Brunch/Linner thing. Yes, you could have hash, but that is sort of a Mick thing to do. No, the hash brown is potato’s ticket to the Yum Show, and you must make sure to have a thin layer of hot grease ready to transition those frozen shavings into instant golden brown deliciousness with a quickness. Overcooked hash browns are only good for the dog. We named the dog, “Indiana”, which means “Would eat overcooked hash browns if necessary”. And by the way, it is HASH BROWNS. Not HASHED BROWNS. Asshole.
Biscuits and Gravy – We said it all. Sawmill Gravy, Buttermilk Biscuits. I could almost willingly turn from the light of God if the Devil had enough of this stuff prepared.
Fruit – Makes an excellent garnish, in theory.
And no cereal, damnit! Cereal is for hobbits, children, and Arabs!
Oh, and Lifelock guy is an utter and complete tool. Laugh with us at him.
At the :40, I reviewed Twilight - It’s burning up the young adult shelves, and I help shed some light on these Vampires and the way they engage in that their evil national pastimes.
We greeted the day with the following great bands:
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ethan lipton,
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hash browns,
internet,
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orlando,
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Podcast,
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talk,
twilight,
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