SomaCow

Since discovering I have diabetes, I have noticed the paperwork is starting to pile up. Spreadsheets and handwritten scribbly notes indicating my blood glucose readings, prescription instructions detailing the how and the why of my various medications and procedures, calorie count data referencing each food or beverage I ingest, and the sum total of those ever important carbohydrates and fats and proteins, receipts and rebate slips for expenditure tracking…

It’s going to require a filing system, and perhaps a Secretary, which is difficult, as I am already employing a Nurse, who also works as my Scribe, and spends a good amount of time working as my Shrink.

She excels as a Personal Assistant, but I think she’d be insulted if I were to ever say that out loud. She is a remarkably capable Sous Chef, and a pretty hawt Courtesan. When my eyes get too blurry, she doubles as a competent Chauffeur, mind that car on the left, would you?

She has skills in so many job sets – Bouncer, Doorwoman, Station Manager, Veterinarian, Agricultural Botanist, Lawyer, Lab Technician, Author, Graphic Artist, Personal Shopper, Day Care Operator, Teacher, Animal Husbandry Expert, Marine Biologist, Mediator, and Masseuse (or is it Masseur? I never remember… She is the one that isn’t a seven foot blond dude named Hampus).

Above it all, she is an amazing Wife, and Mother to our child(ren, in case we have more and they go back and read this. Kids, if you are reading this, stop doing whatever it is that you are doing that annoys your father.)

I am so happy she is mine. I have no idea how I would have gotten through these last two weeks without her, and I am thankful none of us had to find out.

Thank you, Jen.Happy Anniversary to you, I hope for many years to come. I could win the lottery once a week and not have enough to recompense you for all that you do, for me and our family.

But if I DID employ you, I would never pick a shitty, murderous insurance plan like United Healthcare. Seriously… What the fuck is wrong with those people? Is the organization run by a ghoul, lusting for dead human flesh?

 

 SomaCow 327: Ignition [1:19:47m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Originally posted at somacow.com

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you by Adam and Eve (dot com).

In this, their finest hour, the guys welcomed Drew Garabo into the studio. Drew is what talk radio is all about for a lot of us. Geoff and I would come home from work, make dinner, and turn on Drew to listen to while we ate and then did whatever it is that we did before we had two laptops. Drew made his way up the rankings in the local talk radio circuit and then, due to changes here and there, moved on to other bluer and whiter pastures.

Drew shares his feelings about how things went down for him and other recent losses to the local talk radio community. Even if you aren’t from Orlando, you’ll understand. Maybe it’s the red tape and politics around how you lost your job, or even maybe some talent in your local radio community. Or maybe if you shot your wife and her dog “accidentally” after reloading the gun, aiming, and pulling the trigger. OK, so none of us understood that but we got Drew’s take on it.

So is terrestrial radio dying? Are they going like the newspapers?

Well, if they are, Drew is ready. He now works with the Magic (blue and white has done ignited!) and what a time for them! Geoff admits to not always being the biggest fan but that he is on that proverbial band wagon now! Hey, at least we’re not rooting against them, right? If you want to look into getting tickets, just click on the link above and you’ll find Drew’s pic and email address!

It wasn’t all about radio and The Orlando Magic. Oh no, these guys got on the spanking topic. And not the spanking like you might do in the privacy of your own room with your new adamandeve.com products. No, we’re talking about one of Drew’s favorite topics on air before he even had his son….punishing your kids. Ross brought up this topic. You can tell Ross is a radio show call-in pro. If you ever wanted to get Drew to drop the subject he was on, you just had to call and ask how he felt about pit bulls and shark bites hitting your kid (sorry, habit). Drew shares his parenting techniques with the guys. It’s nice to hear that after all this time they still have never hit Xander, which goes along with the stance Drew always took on hitting your kids which is never. Good on ya, as Geoff would say.

Not to worry folks, Geoff will be back writing I promise! He’s just had a busy work week so I am filling in. I hope you’re enjoying it and if not, well, read J’s blogs. At least he’s writing them again!

Marriage is an institution within which a man can aspire to become better than he already is, through the guidance of a woman leading him on the road to enlightenment.

(Just kiddin’, guys, I only put that up there because I figured your wives were reading over your shoulders right now. At this point, though, I think it’s safe to assume that she is off attending to some important cleaning behind the refrigerator, or ordering ridiculously expensive “window treatments” (what you and I call “bed sheets”), so we can now talk openly.)

Don’t get me wrong, I love women, but there is a sure-fire indicator that a wife has driven her husband totally nuts: he starts sentences by saying “Don’t get me wrong, I love women, but…”

As far as I can tell, there are only two problems with marriage:

1. There are too many women involved.
2. Those women are reluctant to wear the sexy Little Bo Peep costume that you rented from “Whores D’Oeuvres”.

Mickey seems to have a big problem with the fact that wives can become ex-wives, at which point it costs you half of your hard-earned money. But when you consider that women make up over half of the work force, half of every penny that you currently earn and spend goes straight to them anyway. The women then spend that money on purchases from diet and fitness infomercials featuring Suzanne Somers. The difference appears to be that when you hand your money to a cashier (or waitress, or stripper), you get satisfying goods and/or services in return; whereas, when you hand your money to your ex-wife, you get stories about how her new boyfriend Todd managed to convince her finally to try anal sex, and now she can’t get enough of it.

As far as grounds for divorce goes, Florida appropriately treats it like car insurance: we’re a no-fault state. We should thank God for this, guys, because, in other states, your wife can divorce you for using the ice dispenser while Grey’s Anatomy is on, or for not refilling the potpourri containers in a timely manner. In those states, YOU, an innocent bystander in your marriage, can have the blame placed squarely on your shoulders for not seeing mediocre, quarterly sex as sufficient motive to get out of bed at 3am to check the house, because your wife dreamed that lawn maintenance workers had invaded the living room and were putting their muddy feet up on the chaise lounge while smoking cigars with no ashtrays.

Mickey’s vision also contains a crapload of paperwork. I hate paperwork more than you will someday hate Todd.
I went paperless in 1998 and, apart from some bathroom scenarios that I’m still working on, it has been smooth sailing ever since.
My solution is simple: don’t get married by a minister with a bible, get married by a judge with a video camera. This way, if there is ever any question about what the expectations were going in, you can just call up the judge and say “Your Honor, did she or did she not agree that it is perfectly allowable for me to throw my boxer-briefs NEAR the hamper, not necessarily IN the hamper?”
Case closed.

My best advice to you guys is to wait before getting married. This means two things: you should wait until later in life, when your schedule is not so much driven by which Playstation games were released that week; and that ,you should wait until later in your relationship with a woman before deciding to get married. Remember, every day that you are with her and DON’T get married is another day that you have at least a CHANCE of saying or doing something right for once; a day that you have at least a CHANCE to convince her that a threesome with the hot, busty receptionist at her office would really be a treat for HER; a day that you have at least a CHANCE of discovering a reason that you two should go ahead and break up now, while it’s still free.

I’m going to let you guys figure out the rest on your own. I’ll be over here hacking Todd’s Facebook to make fictitious posts saying how much he likes little boys. And lawn maintenance workers.